Flush.....

I taught this in every class at least twice a year and sometimes more.  Now it seems like it is the lesson that I need to give myself.

I recall asking students how can we expect to create wonderful new art pieces, relationships, and lives with the same old information and tools that got us here in the first place? Can we really expect that same “stuff” is going to create new, different, and effective lives?  Then to make things worse, our typical “fix it” first step is to go out and get MORE stuff for our minds.  We read how-to books, take classes, join groups and religions, and get all kinds of advice about how we need to change things,  but really…. we are just pouring more stuff on top of the old toxic...not working stuff.
  

At the risk of sounding really crude…when our plumbing is stopped up and nothing flushes…Do we force more shit in it to get it flowing again?

We need to literally “flush” out toxic thoughts and thinking to allow space for the new ideas, life and creativity to take hold and grow…

"Never Can Say Good-Bye"  Micheal Jackson

Shifting....Shifting...Shifting

It is scary and awkward when I realize that I am so different from before.  It is so easy to slide back into a life where the “fit in”with the rest of them,  conditioned, routine, and programmed reactions seemed appropriate.  It is so easy to let my emotions hook me back into old feelings and behaviors, and even though it feels good and comfortable to “fit in” for just a while, those feelings collapse quickly leaving me in a pile of regret and pain. It just does not work anymore…

There are indeed situations that no longer deserve my time, energy and attention, but then there are others that seemed to be begging for me to speak up. I am learning how to value my life and my voice, striving to use both of them for good and growth!  Failing more times than I succeed, but still trying!

"Waiting on the World to Change"  John Mayer

Just need to warm up my throwing arm!

Of all of the “spiritual” healing…I confess I was curious about crystals, but I never really “got” it.  They are pretty, I love looking at them but I was never able to keep up with which one did what and I never felt any of the magical power they are supposed to hold. But this one I “get”!  Just need to warm up my throwing arm! 

"How You Like Me Now?" The Crew
Phew.....I have been a bit militant lately...Bwa-ha-ha

I am important, I matter, too

I understand that most people may not “get” this, but my life is full of sound reasoning supporting it.  As an artist, framer, small business owner I spent a significant part of my life “marketing” …vying for your attention and dollars.  Marketing is the business acceptable code word for begging for your attention.  I paid professional PR companies to do it for me, I paid to be judged to get my work in art festivals, I paid (consignment) to be in galleries, I paid for logo designs and websites for classes I taught.  I have spent a lifetime “chasing” people with my money and time to like me. I smiled, agreed, shook hands, laughed at horrible jokes, diplomatically tiptoed around every inflammatory issue so I would not offend anyone. It is not surprising that some of those habits/or aversion to those habits spilled into my personal life over the years.

My life has been about getting people to like me and my work, it did not matter what I thought about myself.  So now this late in my life, I am finally learning that I cannot make anyone like or love me…I am just now figuring out that I am important, I matter, too.

"Breaking Silence" Janis Ian

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

When I was younger, and oh how I do mean younger…. Miami in the late 60’s, every rebellious wannabe hippie teenager had to play guitar and sing folk/protest songs. We would spend hours together with friends and unknowns singing and playing in the parks.  We thought we were protesting the war, singing for peace and seeding a new generation of love. It was such an exciting creative time!  That guitar defined us and who I was.   And then I was suddenly pulled back (via custody issues) to that small town I was so happy to escape several years before. It was traumatic on every level a 16-year-old could imagine. 

I am not certain what (if any small town gossip) had spread about why I left, but I can only imagine.  And at the risk of sounding like a worn-out version of Cinderella, there was indeed a wicked stepmother involved.  So, I can say without hesitation there were stories.  I would get hints and wisps of them now and again, where they came from will always be a mystery, but they were there.

My only friend was that guitar.  It was the only place that I could melt into happy times and Miami memories.  I would spend hours and hours alone in my room playing.  Remembering and longing to go back to where I felt I belonged.  I did not fit in where I was anymore, and I never would again.

A lifetime has come and gone, and the need to just be normal, just fit in is overwhelming at times, but my best friend is still here, maybe it is time I slip back into those happy times!...but it is going to take some work!  My memory stinks, my fingers are stiff and the callouses on the ends of my fingers are long gone.

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"  The Beatles

We have to look for it...

As much as I detest the latest political atmosphere, I have to admit, it has ushered in a new yearning to study and understand.  In the past when comparing political figures at election time, I looked at their past voting records or their platforms and plans.  If they aligned with mine, they got my vote, regardless of party affiliation.  What I knew intellectually was that even if “my guy” did not win, I trusted in his (or her) basic honest desire to serve the constituents and the country. The system, the constitution was working and I trusted it.

 

Somewhere in my trust of the system, or perhaps plain apathy or naivety, I did not see things change. I suspect most of us are like that.  I did not see the lobbyist filter in, the Gerrymandering become more and more ridiculous and many other tell-tale signs of the horrific changes that were coming.

And then there was Trump.  I kept telling myself that the RNC would never support such an unqualified and questionable candidate, they did.  That the RNC Convention would never elect him as the Republican candidate for president, they did. Surely the women and the Christians would rally against a man that openly “grabbed women’s pussy”, they didn’t. And surely the American people would never elect him, they did! (Well actually it was not the American People, it was the Electoral College).  When all of that was said and done and the shock wore off, I knew I still had the system and the constitution, I don’t…he has subverted even that.

I still wonder why good people continue to uphold and put their faith in a man that in addition to all that we do not know….pays off porn stars and playboy models for sex, that bankrupts 4 companies, has a history of not paying his bills, calls people names, and imprisons innocent children under horrible conditions.

We cannot fight him by arguing with each other….I suspect that is how we got to the place we are now.  Those that support him have some reason that I cannot understand or condone.  We cannot change their minds they have been blinded by greed and fear.  

The rest of us must look for and learn to find the good that binds us.  “Hate will never drive out hate…only love can do that”.  We have to look harder at each other to find our common bonds to form the movement that will overcome. I still believe that good and love will win in the end….BUT

we have to look for it and we have to work for it!

"Imagine"  John Lennon

Without examination...ooops!

When something challenges us, the automatic response is to defend, even before we listen to and/or hear others.  The next step in today’s world is the need to chide, bully and make fun of anyone that thinks differently. Although bad now, in the past proclaiming the wrong God or even the right God but wrong religion would get you burned at the stake.  I am grateful that we can all have our own opinions, just make certain they are your opinions, not someone else’s.  Look, read, study, be informed, before you regurgitate someone else’s point of view that you do not have the facts and evidence to defend.  People that chide, bully and make fun of others are displaying their own desperation of not having credible evidence or facts to substantiate their argument. That speaks more to their own lack of conviction and knowledge than your own.  Do your own research and critical thinking and express it with confidence without putting others down….but we all slip up every now and again when emotion takes over…..ooops!

"All the Right Moves"  One Republic

Goosebumps!

The PBS Capital 4th was so wonderfully inspiring...Keala Settle and my favorite song were so much more so today than ever before...I have goosebumps!
I am not scared to be seen! I make NO apologies!

I am not a stranger to the dark, Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts, I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say, No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust, I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come, And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me

This is me

and I know that I deserve your love  'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof, This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me

one picture...says it all...

Yes...I know this is rude and crude, and I try so hard not to stoop to those levels, but today, the 4th of July, I could not stand to be silent.

Why can he find the money for a self-aggrandizing parade, but not for all of our VETS that are still without homes and medical care?

Why doesn't he sign an executive order providing toothbrushes, soap, nutritious food for immigrant children?

He finds the money when he wants to when it serves his narcissistic needs. But the needs of the working common people, the poor and those who served this great country are never his primary concern.

This is just how I feel about him and his hijacking our (we the people's) 4th of July Celebration to promote himself and the military power he thinks is his alone.

"American Woman"  Lenny Kravitz

(Love the original, but this one is great too!)

...the magic, fantasy and the lies we tell each other.

I spent some time recently marveling at all that is available on the internet/TV if one is disposed to entertaining themselves by watching documentaries about all different perspectives of specific events in world history.  

Somehow, someway my entire academic world history education boiled down to wars, dates and famous historical figures.  Never were the events “married” to one another, never was there an indication of how one historical event influenced another or how religion prejudiced so much history.  I wondered if I was just not paying attention or was there an institutional effort to keep religion unchallenged by the events of history.  Perhaps the same was happening from a Christian point of view.  My Sunday school stories were never attached to a specific point in history, and rarely to the social, political or cultural conditions where they may have occurred. 

My heart aches from the recent inhumanity against innocent children held at our southern border. I am overwhelmed by the pure evil that is upheld and condoned by this government and silent Christians. I have never believed in the Biblical stories, myths, and magic. But I have held the actual love and teachings of Christ at the center of my own personal being, always wondering why it was necessary to surround the unquestionable power of that love with such ridiculous fantasy, outrageous magic and from an academic point of view, scientific lies. As I begin looking at history, from different points of view the one thing I am certain of, is religion has always and historically been incapable of separating itself from ego, politics, and power.  Religion is incapable of practicing the virtue it advocates, but it is historically flawless at repeating the atrocities.

And we allow it to continue through the magic, fantasy and the lies we tell each other.

"World Without Love"  Peter & Gordon

The secret lie detector test...

Heard Rev. Al Sharpton say this on a TV news program this morning...referring to one (or even ALL ) of Trump’s tweets. I about fell out of my chair laughing!.....Perfect analogy!

This man’s tweets remind me of the behavioral confrontations I had with my pre-adolescent boys many many years ago. Without exception, the louder or more ridiculous the protests the more likely they were covering their own guilt. Those 2 things are always in direct proportion to their degree of guilt...This is just one of the Mom secret lie detector tools!

Why are there matches in your jean pockets?  (they are not mine!) 


Why is your bicycle in the driveway?  (I did put it away, someone else was riding it!) 

Why is your wet bath towel on the floor?  (I did hang it up!)

If you apply just one or 2 of the basic Mom tools to Trump tweets, you will know that his emotional and moral aptitude is that of a pre-adolescent boy!

"Liar Liar"  Castaways

just citing the quote below!

Brought up in a small town in the “genteel” south, the value of a woman was definitely associated with her ability to stay in her Christian based “gender” role by “pleasing”…physically, socially and emotionally.  The unwritten but well-known rule was that expressing a different opinion or speaking up for one’s self was asking for disapproval, condemnation and ostracizing.

Living outside this community (and I suspect it may be the same for any small community) for well over 45 years now, I had forgotten how prevalent this was and I was overwhelmingly surprised at how widespread it still is! The past couple of years it has become unbelievably evident by my own FaceBook experience how deeply ingrained these antiquated and damaging feminine roles are!  I wonder if this is how so much of this dehumanizing destructive Republican right continues to hold some of its power? Are there some in my generation that still need to be “pleasing”?

When I post my daily quotes, which I have done since 2010, my intention was to simply begin my own day by putting something positive out into the universe. They have always been met with thumbs up and smiles….but recently, as I have been moved to express some of my respectful and fully researched moral outrage at the current political horror.  I notice that 99% of those posts have been met by negative and chastising men of my generation (or typically older) from that very same small southern town that I did most of my growing up in.  These responses from long ago acquaintances that I can barely identify have taken up the mantel of reforming me by name calling and other negative remarks that are clearly intended to publicly embarrass, chastise or reprimand me.  They are never intended to share educated differences of opinion or participate in intelligent statistical evidence or even engage in non-threatening humorous political satire. For a while, I decided that I could not handle all of the negativity and just quit posting anything other than my daily quotes.  Then I learned how to use the “delete” “unfriend” and “block” features on FB.  My opinions are valid, I do not expect everyone to agree with them.  I am an artist, I am used to it.  Not everyone likes what I paint or create, I do not feel the need to chastise them for not appreciating or buying my work nor do I allow their opinions to compromise my own creative talent (although sometimes that part is hard). If you do not agree with my FB political observations, please feel free to invoke the very same FB tools that I use…” delete”, “unfriend” and “block” me or even…GOD FORBID…. consider engaging in positive discourse.

As heart failure continues to restrain my physical body, it will not inhibit or compromise the strength of my thoughts or my voice.  I will not allow small minds and rude comments to handicap me further. I do not waste my time on responses to FB punitive rebukes ….  I will keep posting!

   

However, and happily…In the interest of full disclosure…I do know there are many intelligent, respectful, wonderful, creative, perceptive men in this and other small communities, I know some of them and I truly appreciate you even more than I did before!

"Chain of Fools"  Aretha

Meh...?

PITHY GROUSING...

I really do “get” everything in this quote and for the most part, what it says makes sense. 

However, I think the ultimate sign that healing has taken place is that there is no more anger.  But isn’t expressive anger a symptom of emotional passion?  If I become so apathetic about everything, then does everything become just” MEH”?  Sometimes I want to be angry…I mean really hurt and angry at my own heart for not working right, for friggen’ dying?  Who do I get to holler at?  What good is it going to do me…or anyone else?  Can there be healing through anger?  Will I feel better if I could be angry?

How can anyone be at peace with the end of life and all of the other stupid crap people (that are not dying) say about dying and not be angry?  I suspect their intentions are good but they really do not have a clue!

...in full disclosure…I left off the last line of this quote, “more faith, less fear” because it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.

"In My Mind"  Amanda Palmer

More friggen’ equipment….Is it being prepared or is it just plain fear?

Another summer storm/hurricane season has arrived and I found myself reassessing the equipment I need to live well.  Becoming more and more dependent on an O2 concentrator and a nebulizer to help me deal with fluid in my lungs has made the need for self-contained power generation not just a convenience but more of a need….or am I just afraid of trying to survive without them?  

The last storm that came close (Irma) left us without power for a little more than a week, I learned the hard way how critical it was! And 2 years later, the symptoms and struggles of heart failure have only multiplied. 

The past few weeks we have installed a large (but portable) generator and a portable AC.  The generator will keep our fridge working, the nice size portable room AC, O2 concentrator, nebulizer and several other things running in our house.  What was beginning to feel like panic at the oncoming summer storm season is now feeling a bit better.  

But then I begin to wonder how much of this is a wise investment and preparation and how much of it is just plain succumbing to fear.  The further I move down this road, the more I realize that extraordinary independence and significant self-reliance is my guiding force!

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

The more you love who and what you are....

As I continue through this process, this is the first most amazing set of feelings and emotions that I truly recognize!  I have known pretty much from the beginning, illness and death is a solitary activity.  As much as friends and family want to, they cannot share in the pain, fear, and grief that I go through.  It is not a fault, it is a fact and maybe, in the end, a blessing.  My heart and my body may be getting weaker but the emotional struggle is making me a more powerful source of strength. I no longer need attention, validation or approval from anyone, I am learning how to do that for myself. I control my own peace and it gets better every day.

"It's Amazing" Jem

Remembering Carter

Happy Birthday friend, student,  teacher, one of our creative tribe and the only woman that made me laugh so hard that I wet my pants. There are no words that can tell you how much you have been and will be missed! xoxox

Nice ?

My entire life being “nice” was the first thing I was taught to be…if I wanted to be liked and/or loved and  I wanted that desperately, I suspect most of us do! My mother walked out of my life when I was 5, in a young child’s mind I had clearly done something terribly wrong! The only way to atone for this was to be nicer.  Honoring myself, having boundaries, being authentic about my life and feelings was NEVER a part of this equation! 

Recently, after several years of masking my own discomfort and struggles so my loved ones were not uncomfortable and saw me as “nice” and well and in no need of their concern, I am at the stage where I can no longer keep up the performance. Forced (and I am a redhead, force

does not go easily) into a space of self-care I cannot guarantee that being nice has happened, but being motivated by love for myself, my own heart is forcing a whole new perspective on how I live and love.

"What I Am"  Eddie Brickel

A perverted version of the “Wizard of Oz”

Prepare for serious GROUSING:
45+ years ago, we got a marriage license. This does not make much sense now…but believe me, it will!

In 1974 we lived and went to an Episcopalian church where we were going to get married, in Orange County. At the last minute, the priest we were receiving (pre-marriage)  Cana Classes from informed us that the Bishop’s dissolution of Skip’s first marriage was likely to be declined. In other words, the church did not feel his legal Texas divorce was valid under Episcopalian rules. The wedding I dreamed of in the Episcopalian church that I loved and grew up in, was going to be denied. However, he had a minister-friend, at a Presbyterian Church in Altamonte Springs that performed weddings for couples like us…and we did just that. If I could… I would track down that pompous Episcopalian Bishop to show him how wrong he was. I have never truly forgiven him or the church…

Fast forward to last week, while filing for Skip’s Social Security Retirement and Part B Medicare and, by the way, surviving a SS fraud scheme, we had to produce 2 more pieces of documentation to finish the process. A statement from his employer that he was indeed covered under a company health insurance, to avoid penalties for not signing up for part B during the regular enrollment period and….a certified copy of our marriage license. I insisted, that surely a certified copy of our marriage license was unnecessary since they already had 45 + years of filing and paying taxes as Married Filing Jointly on the computer in front of him. That should certainly be enough evidence of marriage! My sound reasoning fell on deaf ears! What was I thinking? This is the US government where red tape and confounding bureaucracy is the motto! We were advised, not to worry, it was easy…."go back to the county where we were married and request a certified copy at the courthouse". Back to the beginning of the story….we were married by the minister-friend of the Episcopalian priest, at St. Marks Presbyterian Church, Altamonte Springs, Seminole County. (I bet some of you have already figured out the problem that is about to occur, unfortunately, we did not!)

Seminole county said we would have to go in person to the archived records building, in a warehouse district in Sanford, out close to the airport (45 years was too long for their typical records department at the courthouse, nor were they able to confirm by phone, our records were there) …and so we followed instructions and went in person. The woman behind the desk, who looked suspiciously like a “Munchkin” and was surrounded by more than a dozen plus stuffed animals tucked in every corner of her cubicle along with miscellaneous pet rocks, opened up a drawer and pulled out a microfilm cassette marked 1974 and plugged it into a viewer. After a thorough 2-minute search announced that our marriage was not registered in Seminole County. WTF!!!! Simultaneously our brains go into overload, smoke erupting from our ears trying to figure out why our marriage was not registered when the eccentric micro-film Munchkin asked was it possible the marriage license was APPLIED for in a different county. It is NOT the county we were married in…it is the county where the marriage license was applied for..

An hour later we arrived at the huge downtown courthouse where there is no available parking within blocks, no available handicap parking anywhere and I swear, from a distance that building could be a dead ringer for the Emerald City if it were green. To make matters worse, neither of us got through the metal detector on the first pass. He for a pocket knife and I for a metal fingernail file and the defibrillator implant. Finally, through the metal detector and a courthouse pat down, we found the records office and after a short computer search by a records secretary…. there it was, our original marriage license, in the Orange County archived files!

It feels like we have been in some perverted version of the “Wizard of Oz” today. We have been in the land of Munchkins, down the yellow brick road, survived the “flying monkey" metal detector, and thrown water on the Wicked Witch of the West. She has melted, and we have the BROOM (or certified marriage license) the wizard has demanded! Now…it is back off to the Social Security office aka “the Wizard of Oz” tomorrow with our “certified marriage evidence”

…but I remember what happened in the movie! If there is a hot air balloon in front of that Social Security office….I quit!

"We're Off to See the Wizard"

BUT….What if the circus keeps coming to me

Yes BUT….What if the circus keeps coming to me???  It has felt like the proverbial “Big Top” parked in my front yard recently! Going to the circus has not been a choice.  However, learning which “acts” to participate in and which ones to walk past has been an eye-opening experience.

I have found that the moment the clowns (drama, illness, confusion, chaos, turmoil) begin, I just need to stop for a moment, NO immediate reaction required unless you are standing in traffic!  A deep breath and a few very simple questions to myself….What am I trying to accomplish here?… How do I want this to end?… What makes the most sense?  

The first thing is to identify and clarify specifically and simply what I need in this situation.  It is really nothing more than small short-term goal setting.  I cannot allow any emotions at this point, they only tend to confuse and redirect right now.  I need to determine who, what words or which actions will move me closer to what I need to accomplish? Regardless of the situation, getting emotionally hurt, angry or making everyone happy rarely moves anything forward, in fact, I think it does the opposite, expending great deals of my own energy while accomplishing nothing.  I do not want anyone to think I am a focused robot, but what I do know is that there will be plenty of time to cry, lament, laugh etc. etc. afterward. 

Although I have a less than typical goal-oriented life, using the Daniel LaPorte’s goal techniques of “Desire Mapping” and core desire feelings I will admit there are some immediate situations that require the more traditional goals.  So…bring on the circus….I can do this!

"The Tears of a Clown"  Smokey Robinson

RED FLAG...RED FLAG

I fancy myself as fairly internet savvy!  But I may now be technically classified as a gullible old fart!  I know there are “bad” people out there!  I am very cautious! I have up to date security software on my phone and laptop. I check my bank accounts daily (actually I subscribe to a daily activity email). I only use a credit card or PayPal when purchasing online …gives me a chance to dispute charges and get my money back. But for all that I thought I was doing right…this one caught me way “off guard”!

Clicking on a link on the official Social Security Association Website, “redirected” me to a site that was not SSA, but it looked exactly the same. Then I made an appointment to meet with a SS counselor for some specific filing SS guidance and advice. We were to meet 2 days later via a very official but off-site email scheduling program, at the Library meeting room a couple of blocks away from the Official SS office…First RED FLAG and I missed it.  When we got to the library, there was no SSA counselor, the library staff had never heard of such a thing….RED FLAG is now waving vigorously.  The SS office was just a few blocks away, we opted to go straight there to figure out what was going on.

 

They were aghast! We were horrified! The next 3 hours my phone (with all of the pertinent contact info from the nefarious site were located) was examined by the SS office.  Scrolling back through the SS office noticed the official website address had changed from SocialSecruityAdministration.gov to  SocialSecruityAdministration.US.  Now that RED FLAG is flapping wildly and I finally get it….We have been caught up in a scam to get our SS numbers.  The wonderful and very helpful people at the Official SS office were proactive, awesome and reported to SSA FRAUD and FTC through their offices… but instructed us to follow up with second personal reports when we got home.  We also needed to freeze our credit on all 3 bureaus.  It was a full day of “undoing”.  Even though the guy did not show up, and it does not appear that the scam was successful, we were instructed to take every precaution!

I suspect I may now be truly qualified as an official gullible old fart!

"What a Fool Believes"  Doobie Brothers

Patience and pine needles!

Bending over to pull out the pine needles out of the new pond makes me so light headed!  The fear of falling over and drowning in an 18” deep glorified puddle is NOT how I want to leave this world! Coming up with creative tools have filled a good part of my time!  Zip ties and pool noodles are the most amazing things!

In the real world, I have spent a lifetime with the mantra, “you cannot stop until the job is finished!” Anything less is a failure. As I get older and sicker things get harder and I began to rely on others who offered to help.  Unfortunately, that means I am subject to their judgment of what I am doing, their willingness to do something they really do not want to do, interfering with their own plans and time, and if all of that is not enough…I just plain feel guilty, weak and worthless when I have to ask.  I hate doing it.  I am disgustingly hard headed and for the most part, have specific ways of doing things… (except when it comes to creating!!!)  My independence is one of the most important things I still possess. I am a classic control freak!  If I am asking anyone for help, you will know…I am beyond desperate.

My body no longer asks for a break it just flat out crashes, same goes for my mind. So, I plan thoroughly, then take more time and of course, grouse about it!  But I am still getting “most of it” done or paying for other parts to get done (when I can afford it).  I am getting heavy doses of learning patience with myself!

Honoring myself is more about patience and the creativity needed to hold on to and expand my independence than anything else. I am so happy that I am creative and tough.  The day I give that up or NEED others…is the day you will know I am finished!

"Sunshine" Jonathan Edwards

Armored up and strong....

Holy Crap…REALLY?  This continues to be the most difficult thing for me to do.  I was raised to believe that emotional weakness was one of the worst characteristics anyone could have.  If you were a woman you were allowed a very small amount of tolerable emotion, but there was a definite limit.  I was “trained” be the strong one, never show emotion, or let anyone see your weakness. I grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional family, and to just survive was truly grueling but it may have been the one thing that saved me.  It was an incredible unintentional strength and armor builder!

This vulnerable thing turns out to be one of my many major flaws and one I have consistently been aware of and working on.  I have read and studied this ad nauseam.  The single one consistent issue all of the experts seem to agree on is that “the only answer is recklessly discard more armor” or the emotional equivalent.  I have tried, and tried and tried.  Every time I open up, let it out, let it in…it all but destroys me emotionally.  And so I continue to remain armored up and strong.

"All That We Let In"  Indigo Girls

The first time... I truly do not give a "rats ass" !

I do not care how calm, mastered or controlled I think I am…it all goes down the toilet when the cat brings a live rat into the house!  All bets are off and out and out panic reigns.

Self-control is strength….Calmness is mastery…my ass!  This is full-on panic as  “NOT MY CAT” the cat (yes that is really his name)  and the now loose rat run through the house both running head-on into walls and furniture like a live pinball machine.  Our best butt-crack of dawn, pre-coffee idea of getting the rat out is to set up some kind of pathetic makeshift gauntlet with anything handy that has barrier potential including brooms and bar stools forcing the cat-rat pinball show out of the wide-open front door with every inside and outside light on. In the midst of this genius idea, he barks “the front door is wide open… neighbors are going to see us!” Although I use the phrase regularly, it is the first time that I can sincerely say “I do not give a rats ass!” who sees us! Just get the rat out of here!

"Taking it to The Streets"  Dobbies Brothers

TA-DA!

There have been so many “to-dos” recently, actually perhaps most of my life it feels like there have been more than my share of “to-do’s”!  WARNING: Grousing ahead…. When I was working, taking care of children, house, and husband I watched friends and family managing all of it so gracefully and have the time and resources to still take time off, go on great vacations, go out to dinner, date nights, yard services, new cars, and homes….etc…etc..  I hid my frustration and jealousy and soldiered on with the implied promise that if I kept my nose to the grindstone and shoulder to the wheel that all of those good things would come my way.  In addition to that if I did MORE there would be MORE. That is not how it always works and I had this ongoing oppressive feeling of being pissed off all of the time.  The “official rules” were if I did what I was supposed to-do, when I was supposed to-do it…I should have more! 

Finally, I think I am beginning to figure it out.  All of this time I have been waiting for other people to tell me how good I was, other people to give me more money, other people to give me more time, appreciate me more or all of the other things I felt like I should have earned through my ever-expanding list of well accomplished “to-dos”.  I was living for and expecting accolades!

I wanted someone else to give me all of the things I was not willing to give to myself.  And I did not truly appreciate all of the intangible amazing things that I did have!  It is not now nor do I think it ever will be about doing more, but appreciating, celebrating and “ta-da-ing” regularly all that I do have!!!

Stand back….There are going to be a whole lot more “ta-das” in my life!

"Carry On" Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

That Wretched Voice!

Continuing to push outside of my comfort zone as I submitted this work to a local museum for a humorous summer exhibition.

 

It does not matter how long, how bad (or good) I am...that voice in my head STILL comes SCREAMING  at me….”WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”  That wretched voice seems to get even more colorful and aggressive as I get older and further and further outside my comfort zone with
“Who the  F***ING HELL, do you think you are”?

Interpreting the show title literally, “Cheeky” simply plays abstractly on the distinctive communication of cheeks!  Cheeks tell their own silly or serious story…we all have them!

How did I miss that?  Sometimes what we see or do not see is a matter of choice.  Choose your blindfolds wisely or be completely bold-faced and go naked!

The Curmudgeons! They are everywhere! Grousing, complaining and nitpicking! But really, when you look carefully, they are just talking heads with little or no substance!

"So Much to Say"  Dave Matthews Band

…if you find yourself or loved one in this kind of situation…find your caseworker and make him or her your friend!

Skip and by association, me…. have had a crazy couple of weeks, but before I get to the grousing part of this post let me say that Skip is doing great!  It really is just short of miraculous about how well he has recovered from a Pons or Pontine stroke! The doctors and rehab therapists are all amazed and we are so incredibly grateful!

The grousing portion is not about the quality of care, or food, or the room, although this is an older hospital all of those things could use some sprucing up and of course, the Adventist Hospital system has a long-running notorious horrible food reputation.  My principal complaint, although perhaps I should wait until the bill arrives, is about something that truly would cost them nothing, it is nothing more than just coordinated communication.  Entering a hospital through the ER with this kind of situation is already scary, but it seems to grow exponentially more frightening for everyone when the communication is so disjointed. I understand that diagnosis and immediate treatment is the primary ER objective, but I feel some amount of communication would be so helpful, if for no other reason…. blood pressure!   We were challenged in comprehending the what, when, why, how bad, test results, possible treatments, etc., etc, about a medical condition that we were not familiar with.  After diagnosis and admission, the stroke team…. Neurologist, PT, OT Speech therapy, then a hospitalist, case manager and all of the nurses were communicating with one another, but their ability to communicate in a linear coherent way with us about Skip’s condition and course of treatment was truly lacking. Each of these professionals came into the room daily (of course the nurses more often) performing cognitive, coordination and speech tests, but not explaining or sharing the results with us. I did find some solace in our frantic but always full of information caseworker.  She was overworked, awesome, helpful, always understanding and a great advocate.  If I did not understand something or treatment plans changed without us knowing about them I would track her down.  I was concerned that I might soon be known as the caseworker stalker!  She was always happily willing to explain any question we had and when possible, she answered in non-medical person speak!  So, the lesson I would like to share is…if you find yourself or loved one in this kind of situation…find your caseworker and make him or her your friend!

"I'll be There for You"  The Rembrandts

Adventure happening soon!

Tomorrow will be a week since Skip’s stroke, and he is doing so very well!  Still lots of appointments here and there but for the most part his physical health is spectacular.  What is left in the aftermath of this week is….where do we go from here?  There are so many big things that need resolution!  Some we knew would come and had chatted about, but never with any thought of needing to press any of those plans into effect any time soon.  So, as we slog through all of the medical necessities of healing, there are also huge forced decisions about retirement income, future health care/Medicare plans and if that is not enough there seems to be a huge emotional part of all of this that stages unexpected sneak attacks!  Our mantra this week has been, identify the priorities (Skip’s Health) and then walk through the rest of it when clearer heads prevail!  Clearer heads may be a bit hopeful, but at least a better ability to focus will be nice! I am putting out into the Universe, we are ready for a GREAT ADVENTURE and I do mean a great big ass fun adventure because we have already done one hell of a job of  “something gone wrong”!

"Changes" David Bowie

Slow Motion....

No easy way to say this….Skip had a stroke last Sunday.  There were a couple of days in the hospital that were a whirlwind of CAT scans, MRI, x-rays physical, speech and cognitive exams.  There were lots of tests and endless meetings with the stroke team members that quite frankly felt more like a cast of thousands.   Skip is doing as well as we can expect, it was not a big stroke, there is some brain damage but a full recovery with good rehab therapy is possible, so, for the most part, we are out of the “scary” woods. But there is going to be some hard work ahead of us!

It was our Sunday journey before the hospital that I feel like I need to share.  As a person without any experience with strokes, my only brush with that info was quite literally from PSA TV commercials!  Apparently, strokes can happen rather slowly, it can begin with a simple loss of balance, or slight almost undetectable slur in speech….and in this house, Sunday morning before coffee, neither of these symptoms rose to the level of concern, in fact it could almost be noted as quite a normal before coffee Sunday morning function.  As the morning progressed those slight symptoms seemed to be increasing, not by huge leaps or even consistently, but it was growing more obvious.  Every once in a while, per the TV and internet recommendation, I would ask him to smile…  His smile was big, even, with a touch of sarcasm but no typical evidence... he could smile like Alice in Wonderland’s Chesser cat.  However, he did become restless, not wanting to sit still, moving from couch to chair to porch. It was beginning to look like he felt like he was a caged animal, slightly losing his balance, catching himself on the furniture as he passed by it…it was then that I did notice a slight droop in his lip…although I will say again, he could still smile evenly on command.  I was trying very hard to put a good spin on this, how can this be really happening, but I finally knew ...this is not normal…this could be the beginning of really bad.

Off to the hospital to and what became an organized frenzy!  The slow motion all of the sudden became light speed! In the stroke world…this was a small one.  We are home 4 days later, and that improves the healing exponentially.  He still has a little slurred speech that phases in and out and an occasional struggle with balance.  We begin therapy next week…but all in all he is good and getting better.

The lesson for me is that not everything happens just the way it is expected.  There is no standard stroke symptom speed but the symptoms are there…

"All Star" OrtoPilot

polite silence is NOT capitulation

I try so hard to be respectful with my words and deeds (although I have been known to throw rolled socks at the president on TV).  I vote, I look into issues, I form my own opinions without great public fanfare and I do not look for intelligent political discourse on Facebook anymore.  It scares me!  But there are times that my silence feels like I agree with or worse no longer care about politics.  I wonder if people think the current illegal policies and proposed legislation no longer upset my sense of dignity and justice. The atrocities continue.  Day after day separating children from their parents, not holding the President responsible for his actions, legislating women’s bodies, ignoring automatic assault weapons legislation, denying environmental issues and the list goes on and on while our democracy and people suffer.  I wonder if some think my polite silence is some kind of capitulation?

"For What it is Worth" Buffalo Springfield

…whatever that is???

Pieces and Parts… hoping that they fit together!  Had the most amazing afternoon with a “real” sculptor.  Watching her creative process move from an idea in her head, through her hands and into tangible reality!  It is about as close to magic as anything I can imagine!  Although I have played with and worked in clay for life studies, I seem to have slipped back to my beginnings of making clay “puzzle pieces” then assembling them.   Untrained in sculpture, sometimes I just need to go with the flow…whatever that is???

"Fear" Jasmine Sullivan

Fitting in vs Belonging

I have had this nagging struggle but did not even understand what the struggle was...just that it was terribly uncomfortable, aggravating, frustrating, never could be achieved.  It was ever present feeling of not being good enough failure!!  Then this woman comes along and describes it so simply and perfectly!  Perhaps understanding the problem is where the healing begins!

I HATE BEING VULNERABLE!  DAMN IT!
 

"Closer to Fine" Indigo Girls

Not Rattling My Chains Anymore!

Maybe it is age or maybe it is where I am in life or maybe I am finally just getting smarter (well, maybe not) I have learned that 90% of the anger, aggravation and hurt was of my own doing.  For all of the grousing I have done about other people’s expectation of me…I have realized that I had my own unreasonable expectations of other people.  Even when their actions or words really had nothing to do with me, I would feel the need to insert and defend my beliefs and opinions concerning the situation.  Maybe it made me feel like I was smarter…or if everyone did things “my way” my life would be so much easier…NOT!  I am slugging through life like everyone else and making enough mistakes for me and 3 other people.  I am finally at a place where other people and situations just do not rattle my chains anymore.  It is not that I do not care I just choose to not engage…saving my love, my life, my energy on happy and positive.  I know it sounds kind of hokey…but it is working!

"Times Like These" Jack Johnson

the significance of the safety pin….

For what it is worth....I have for 2+ years and will continue to include the image of a safety pin somewhere on my FB posts as a personal gesture and a silent protest against the sitting president, his policies, and the Republicans that are up for re-election, that continue to silently encourage and support hateful, divisive and immoral legislation.  Although my voice is not loud, I want the world to know that I was consistently against hate every day!

"For What it is Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

After she lets go....

I will not lie….my Mother and I had a turbulent relationship!  Life choices that we both made created a difficult, if not impossible Mother-Daughter relationship to develop.  But then there was another element that entered into the difficulties…we both had preconceived notions about how and what a Mother-Daughter relationship should be.  Without the emotional tools to develop our own unconventional relationship, we both depended on an unrealistic version of a combination of a religious Madonna and “Leave it to Beaver” definition.  It was an impossible task to live up to and we both failed miserably.  When we finally were able to admit to ourselves and each other that we were truly inept at this Mother-Daughter thing we were able to forgive and forget and move into an adult friendship that we could define on our own terms.  It was not perfect but, oh my it was so much better.  Letting go of other people’s expectations allowed us to enjoy each other as fallible adults, more than I suspect most typical Mother-Daughter relationships are capable of.  The friendship was amazing but I will confess it is the Mother hugs that truly live on in my heart and give me such strength.  Here's to you Mother....your favorite!

"Take Five" Dave Brubeck

A little booty shake!

It has been kind of a scary week or two…there have been changes…I hate when that happens!  There has been a big increase in med dosages to counter the latest changes and I just had a 24 hr check to see if/or what effects it is having.  The official report is…drum roll please…my heart rate has responded just the way they hoped it would, now we wait a couple of weeks to see how my body adjusts. This is a good thing!  There will not be any holy crap, immediate celebrating or dancing in the streets just yet…but an extra nap here and there and a little booty shake at the front door can’t hurt!

"Dance With You"  The Beatles