Bending over to pull out the pine needles out of the new pond
makes me so light headed! The fear of
falling over and drowning in an 18” deep glorified puddle is NOT how I want to
leave this world! Coming up with creative tools have filled a good part of my
time! Zip ties and pool noodles are the
most amazing things!
In the real world, I have spent a lifetime with the mantra, “you
cannot stop until the job is finished!” Anything less is a failure. As I get
older and sicker things get harder and I began to rely on others who offered to
help. Unfortunately, that means I am subject
to their judgment of what I am doing, their willingness to do something they
really do not want to do, interfering with their own plans and time, and if all
of that is not enough…I just plain feel guilty, weak and worthless when I have to ask. I hate doing it. I am disgustingly hard headed and for the
most part, have specific ways of doing things… (except when it comes to
creating!!!) My independence is one of
the most important things I still possess. I am a classic control freak! If I am asking anyone for help, you will know…I
am beyond desperate.
My body no longer asks for a break it just flat out crashes,
same goes for my mind. So, I plan thoroughly, then take more time and of course,
grouse about it! But I am still getting “most
of it” done or paying for other parts to get done (when I can afford it). I am getting heavy doses of learning patience
with myself!
Honoring myself is more about patience and the creativity
needed to hold on to and expand my independence than anything else. I am so
happy that I am creative and tough. The
day I give that up or NEED others…is the day you will know I am finished!
"Sunshine" Jonathan Edwards
Dear Cherlyn, I totally know these thoughts all too well. My main problem right now is my emotions. And that is so hard to to deal with. I have always thought myself as a strong woman and now even everyone around thinks I am a basket case. What is wrong with me??
ReplyDeleteNothing is wrong with you my love...What you are going through (if it is what I suspect it is) I think is emotionally natural... but most doctors ignore it, focusing only on our physical issues. They must have missed the memo about how emotions play such a huge part in physical health and recovery. Hospice and being seen every week has been my savior...I can talk about death and dying realistically. That helps me...there are drugs that I take now that help me with the overwhelming days. That is how I do it...perhaps your docs can recommend something...no matter what it is...follow up on it...This can be the worst part of life or the best part with the right support! And I am always here for you!!! xoxoxo
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