Never settle for the ordinary.....

I can remember, as a child being taught not to stand out, to strive to not be seen.  To conform, fit in, not make waves, don’t be difficult, and do not draw attention to yourself.  No one and I do mean no one ever asked me what I wanted to do with my life.  They never encouraged my talent.  I followed all of the rules, married, had children, went to church, volunteered, chaperoned, worked hard and waited almost an entire lifetime for someone to wave the magic wand that would make me happy and successful.  In the meantime I continued to not stand out, not be seen, conform, fit in before I finally realized it was a lie.  A lie not intended to specifically damage me, but to make me, my parents, siblings, spouse and children look better in the eyes of other people.  And in that horrible process, I did t exactly the same thing that was done to me to my own children.

I want them all to know how sorry I am, I wish I had known better!  Please please please….never settle for the ordinary…live your life, celebrate the unusual!

"Have a Little Faith"  Micheal Franti

It is worth it....

I think one of the biggest misconceptions that seems to be glorified on TV and in movies….is that when our world is turned upside down, that the rest of the world or at the very least our friends and family will stop and focus on our needs! 

That is not how it works in the real world, and what is more, it is not fair for us to expect that!

Their life is theirs.  They are not being selfish, inattentive, or selfish.  They are living their lives ….as they should the best way that they can.

My challenge, my lesson and the lesson for those of us with terminal illness, especially those of us with chronic, long term illness is we need to continue living our lives with unconditional love for ourselves and strength for  them.....when they are with us and when they are not.  It is not easy,

but, oh my... it is deliciously worth it.

 

"For What it's Worth" Buffalo Springfield

Repeat After me......

Every once in a while reality (which I am typically good at keeping at bay) crashes through all of my defenses. Officially 1 week of pneumonia and I think all of the coughing has really done a number on ribs and chest muscles that have already been hacked on enough….Ouch!

Repeat after me….no fear…..no fear….no fear….no fear….


"Run Around" Blues Traveler

An amazing experience!

Breaking down an exhibit, is always kind of sad, but this one was really tough! I have made some wonderful new creative friends, mounted an amazing art exhibition with a strong message and we had a blast doing it! Thank you Marla E Artist, Lillian Verkins, Denisse Berlingeri for coming on this terrific journey with me. Thank you Amy Padgett Painter and the Leesburg Center for the Arts in believing in us and our message! It was a dream come true! "Love Potions" Protecting and celebrating women's hearts!


"Make it Mine"  Jason Mraz   

Damn...that vulnerable thing.....again....

Damn!  

It is that vulnerable thing…it keeps showing up!

I know it is there, but it is such a problem for me! A problem I never seem to be able to resolve.

I know vulnerability is the way to true authenticity.  I have read and studied enough of this to understand why it works, and it does make sense.  But oh my, to lay myself open, open for all to see and judge, I do not think I am strong enough.  And then I often wonder…is this what my art is about.  My feelings, my thoughts, my loves, my hates right out in the open, in the language of pictures, that most people cannot understand?  Is it my way of exposing my vulnerabilities without having to reveal or defend my feelings to others?  I feel like I am cheating vulnerability!  I am completely open but in a visual language that few understand.  Yes…I am cheating… vulnerable to myself  but not open to others?  Does this count as vulnerability?

"Beautiful World"  Colin Hay

Perfect Imperfection....

So easily said but there are times that it feels so impossible.  A huge part of my own personal “perfect imperfections” is to not only do and be sure about what I want, (and by the way I am still working on that) but to be able to accomplish that on my own.  I know….I know…there are those that love me, that want me to be able to ask for help, and oh my how I have tried, but it is difficult, uncomfortable and inevitably results in my giving away my power.  I have got to be able to do it on my own, to not have to depend on anyone or anything else.   Success and/or failure are unapologetically mine and mine alone….it is my own beautiful , rare, strong, perfect imperfection!

"Morning Girl"  Neon Philharmonic

NOPE!

The part I hate worst about this…..is my body’s inability to tolerate “real life”.  It is not that I go full tilt a whole lot, but every now and again, it is a good thing!  It seems that my body is railing against even the “every now and again”!  And I hate it!  Granted…..a 3 night big art opening is a bit excessive, but I was home every night before 11, limiting my drinks to 1 each evening, and perhaps one night of serious misbehaving.  But is it fair that that adds up to diminished kidney function and pneumonia?  How am I supposed to know what my limits are?  I felt great while I was misbehaving!  And here is the big question I have to ask myself (and answer) if I knew what the limits were and I still wanted to do “it” bad enough, would I?  It is one thing to take care of myself, but when does that cross the boundary line and the illness takes over the joy and fun of my life?  That boundary line is sneaky…

The big question is….if I got to do it all over again.... differently..... would I?     NOPE…..

"There are Places I Remember"  The Beatles

Still a mystery......

There are many geological and astronomical things that happen in this world.  In the past, earthquake, volcano, tidal wave, eclipse and other events were seen as sacred.
Catastrophic geological events would be explained as angry gods.  Likewise benign but observable celestial events were typically justified as “signs” from the Gods that would be interpreted to support or oppose a situation that was typically political in nature.

Today, most religious explanations have been abandoned as science continues to prove the physical cause and effects of geological and astrological events.  However there are some that deny science regardless of the evidence.  Every now and again  I am confronted with a mystery that defies spiritual and scientific explanation.

Why are most typical women’s cycles and the moons cycle both 28 days? I hold on to that mystery and continue to stand in awe of the moon and my relationship to it, without certainty of science or spirituality.  The power of the moon's gravitational pull is measurable in the ocean tides and the effects on human behavior are statistically evident in births and crimes. The moon reminds me of my own mysteries. The moon and I remain a mystery, not because of the scientific or sacred reasons for it.....but the effects we have.

"Fly Me to the Moon"  Frank Sinatra

mys-ter-y

ˈmist(ə)rē/

noun

1. 1.

   something that is difficult or impossible to understand or explain.

   "the mysteries of outer space"

   synonyms:

   puzzle, enigma, conundrum, riddle, secret, problem, unsolved problem "his death remains a mystery"

Nude Nite 2016..The Times of my Life! (videos may be slow to load....)

Last Years YouTube Video had to be taken down

.....so here is on my blog.....woo-hoo!

Pushed Outside of my Comfort Zone!

Nude Nite pushes me….Pushes me outside my comfort zone.  Pushes against all of those things that have been mashed into me since I can remember about what is good and what is bad.  Nudity has been one of those taboo issues that artist consistently tackle and audiences want to look away from….well they look away from it…when others are watching them.  Popes had “fig leaves” added to sculptures in the Vatican and hired another artist to paint over some of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel nudes.  Hundreds of years later,  as liberated as we claim to be, the mentality of a good girl still circles around the quiet, covered and pious.  That has nothing to do with the goodness in my heart!  I love being pushed outside of my comfort zone! (and it fits ALL of my core desire feelings, PASSIONATE, CONNECTED, EXCITED, FEARLESS)

"Express Yourself"  Charles Wright

Damn it...not my new socks!

And then there are days when the most ridiculous things will slap me in the face….reminding me that with all of the successes I have had recently….the problem is still here…Damn it!

              "I'm No Superman"  Lazlo Bane

Where the magic happens.....

Each year I look forward to Nude Nite.  Every year I am more honored than the year before that they actually jury me into this exhibition, but more than that, every year I am encouraged to leave my comfort zone and touch the part of me that I know, is where my magic is.  For a few days every year I get to be in the company of a tribe of totally talented and completely fearless artists. It is magnificent!

My lanyards from previous years live full time on my refrigerator, reminding me how good and how right it feels to be where the magic happens!

                                    "Good Girls"  Julian Moon

this is NOT for sissies!

And…finally!  After weeks of dealing with a body that has done it’s best to reject this ICD, today there are signs I have won the battle!  Three weeks of giant and gross trans-dermal patches delivering meds directly to the tissue may finally be over!  Today I got to come off the patches and the meds!   Yay me.....

for NOT GIVING UP!  But I am telling you…this is not for sissies!


"I Just Want to Celebrate"  Rare Earth

Has my name written all over it!

Sometimes things just drift into my life, unsolicited, but they seem to be directed right at me and speak to my life and my heart.  As I re-start my creative life, after a year of physical struggle, this just seemed to have my name written all over it.

2-9-   Deliver 2 6 foot pieces to Nude Nite Curator….Doctors

2-11,12 & 13- Nude Nite opening

2-16- Doctors

2-18- Gallery Exhibit meeting, Art Center Board Meeting, Emerging Artist Meeting…did I mention how much I hate meetings, but I did finagle them all on the same day!   Woo-Hoo

2-21- Love Potions Exhibit comes down

2-27- LAA Creativity Presentation

3-2-   Facilitating 13 weeks of Artists way and curating the student exhibit
                          "Strip Me" Natasha Bedingfield

You just will not see it....

And…that is a good thing, especially on Monday mornings!  I bet this will not be what you expect!  Monday mornings are not a bad thing for me….they are spectacular!  I have had the past few years of learning how to be alone!  According to all of the “rules” alone is a bad thing, unhealthy, damaging, unnatural, and anti-social behavior.  Bull Shit!  It is not that I do not like people, I adore crowds at art exhibitions, festivals, and teaching but, for short periods of time and then I need time to recover!  I have wonderful swaths of  alone time to create really stupid stuff,  dance in my PJ’s, sing really really bad and loud and to write about it…. with no one watching.... peppered with large, lots of people, creative events.  When the big events get too much I can leave and when I am lonely…technology has given me the ability to reach out and have creative conversations.  But Monday mornings, regardless of whether it was just having another body in the house all weekend, or big events, I get to return to alone and “me”(and it is a wild thing you just will not see it!).

                             "Wild Thing"  The Troggs

Regions Mortgage FAIL...

or Retrograde RANT part 2

This is basically part 2 to last months rant!  Regions mortgage failed at an auto-draft, using the wrong account number....after an hour on the phone with both my bank and Regions, it was determined that this was Regions problem.  I again provided them with the corrected information (they also had the wrong phone number too, my phone number and bank have been the same for over 30 years!).  They did "bless their hearts" rescind the late fees.....grrrrrr.  Regions assured us that the problem was taken care of.....Feb. rolls around, and as I check my bank account I notice there is no Mortgage debit!  I called right away but the woman that took care of the prior issue was "in a meeting"...in a meeting for more than 4 hours (no comment here) and her replacement customer service rep. was surly and short.  Insisting that because my auto-draft had been interrupted I had to make a formal written request to have it begin again. Last month I was led to believe that the problem was rectified, what I failed to understand is that THEIR problem was rectified, they got their money.

Why is it acceptable for a Regions Mortgage make to an error....be unwilling to take responsibility for it and expect their customers spend their time and resources to fix it. Regions Mortgage you FAILED!  And in the advent of social media and the internet, I must say....not smart!

Going RED!

Other  than this blog, I have been pretty silent about my heart. Recently I mounted an art exhibition exposing women’s heart disease, and just posted this on FB.  I think perhaps this may be part of why I am here, my purpose in life.  It is time I speak out. Women’s heart disease cannot be about being old, feeling guilty, not good enough,  and unable to participate in anything in life that I want to.  I do not want to be ashamed of it any more.

                                                                           "Put a Little Love in Your Heart"  Jackie DeShannon

Remember to Celebrate!

I have been at this for over 5 years now….you would think I had the program down by now. The most insidious thing about heart failure is that it always changes, and I do not mean long term expected downward changes but the daily roller coaster ride….not knowing if my heart is going to support my body and what I have planned for that day. Damn it is so friggen’ frustrating. But I am a survivor, and
a great survivor at that. I just need to remember
to celebrate the good days! Remember to celebrate!


"This is How a Heart Breaks"  Rob Thomas

Enough....

This is a mouthful….

each line I was squealing…

ouch…whew…it’s not just me…

But….. 

then the part about empowering other women, being fiercely kind with a sense of humor feels good and natural to me.

I wonder if my desire to be enough….will come from empowering others?

Oh how I want to be enough!

"Arms Around my Life"  Janis Ian

Just like Chuck Norris...

Our kitty “Slick” died a little more than a month ago.  I was broken hearted and swore, no more.  No more wrapping my heart around another kitty, it just hurts too much when they die!  But then....

I remember my Mother telling me the story about her neighbor’s cat that would march into her house for some solicited petting and a full scale home investigation each time Mother's door was left ajar. That kitty’s name was “Chuck Norris” (I have no idea why, but there must be a story there).  It was so unusual and I had never heard of a cat doing anything like that...until...last week while I was unloading groceries, which with a 10 pound lifting limit, takes many more trips to and from the van, when this kitty darted into the front door and began rubbing and wrapping herself around my ankles. Four days ago, she figured out there is a “cat door” on the back porch and has begun visiting regularly, taking naps on our beds and in general presenting herself as "our" kitty.  I have to admit, unlike my other kitty's she is so sweet and lovey!  We suspect she may be a neutered feral, she has the notched ear and other evidence that would suggest that, but she is totally comfortable around people, in fact she seems to seek us out, not  typical feral cat behavior!

Perhaps the universe has sent me a new “studio kitty”

   
                "What's New Pussycat"  Tom Jones

Still trying to figure it out....

Sunday morning, snuggled in my covers, sipping, thinking, looking back and writing. So much to say and I am still figuring out how to do it.

        "I Just Don't Think"   Colin Hay

I was captured...

One of my best Christmas gifts I did not really appreciate until last night!  Colin Hay tickets…(Thank you Darren & Jill!) I have always really enjoyed his music but last night I was captured!  There are some artists, you just know-you can feel it, are living, playing and singing from their hearts….he is one of them.

"Overkill"  Colin Hay

Welcome Home Harper.....

Baby Harper, Mom & Dad are coming home today!  With such an early arrival I had to rush-rush-rush to finish her “Birth” day cake, inside are 40 new born diapers, a fuzzy blanket, a hooded baby towel, 5 wash cloths, 2 pacifiers and a little gifty for Mom & Dad…bottle of champagne!  Darren got a Daddy dooty bag, tongs, face guard, butt paste with spatula, rubber gloves, plastic garbage bags, air freshener and 200 diaper wipes, he has a big job ahead of him! 

Welcome home my new little family!

"Forever Young"  Rod Stewart

Success vs Value

This quote shot right through my heart!  It occurred to me immediately that, in my life and beliefs, thes 2 concepts were irrevocably linked. 

A person (I) has NO VALUE unless they (I) have SUCCESS.

 

I was taught that success is measured by money, stuff and the “Leave it to Beaver” lifestyle.  I spent untold amounts of energy trying to fool all of you, and I did a good job.  The truth is I think the only person I fooled was me.

I want more value.

"Try"    Colbie Colbert

Harper is here!

Cool as cucumbers, grace under pressure, Jill and Darren brought Harper Molly Evans into the world to day!  And it was a spectacular day!  5 lbs, 1 oz Harper has arrived and she is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen!

     "Isn't She Lovely"  Stevie Wonder

 2 generations and 4 grand sons we finally have a GRAND DAUGHTER!
It is the most grand day!

Taking back my power....

The powers over my own thoughts are the only power I truly have.  It is my super power, the only power that cannot be taken away from me without my consent.  I do have power and strength, and I will not give it up because of fear….mine or others.  I will find the strength and power to do whatever I want to do!

"No Sugar/New Mother Nature"  Guess Who

it knows.....

There…That’s it…That is why I am here!   When I get frustrated, afraid, lonesome, unsure, anxious I need to shut up, turn down the volume of the situation I am currently in, and listen to that little voice.  That little voice knows what my heart needs …it knows….it knows… because it is true.

"Fear"   Jazmine Sullivan

The count is 3 "Oh Craps" and 1 "Meh"

Monday mornings are always a choice!   Choice #1 the beginning of another exciting week or Choice #2 “Oh Crap” another week is starting again. 

I woke up, wrapped my house coat around me, put my slippers on and made a mad dash to the thermostat to turn up the heat….mmmmm…the warm air pours out over me as I position myself strategically under the vent.  Until…..it didn’t…"Oh Crap"!  Call the repairman, hop in the shower to get ready to head up to 2 appointments at the Florida Hospital Heart Center. The water is warm but as soon as I climb out it is crazy cold! “Oh Crap” I made it to the clinic, almost on time and the ICD is working perfectly but the incision site is showing some suspicious signs,  my body is not liking the ICD  “Oh Crap”.  If you are counting…that makes 3 “Oh Craps” and it is not yet 10:00 AM.  Monday morning is not looking good!

It is now late Monday afternoon, the repairman has come and gone, The heater is humming, the incision has been medicated and seriously taped up, my feet are up, bra is off and I am binge watching (and really liking) “Mozart in the Jungle”….The count is 3 “Oh Craps” and and  1 “Meh”.  It was officially a rocky start, I never reached “Excited” but I am... after all… a gem! 

"Have a Little Faith"  Micheal Franti

You'll just be too much....

It is so hard to be what is expected of me and do what my heart screams for.  It is time to make a whole new crown and/or not "NEED" a man at all.


"Try Everything"  Shakiera

The Retrograde RANT....

If I were Jewish I would be holding the back of my hand to my forehead bellowing “Oy-vey... what a day!”  I did not make it to the art center board meeting this afternoon, instead I had a memorable ride in a tow truck. The tow truck expense is mercifully covered by the roadside assistance part of my car insurance, the repairs I am afraid will not.....AND there is more, upon arriving back home I find out that our automatically drafted mortgage payment was declined, they say the bank account had been closed….ARE YOU KIDDING ME….that account has been open since 1979, (I maybe close to holding a record somewhere for the longest open bank account!) and since 2002 they have successfully drafted 168+ consecutive mortgage payments! One and a half hours on the phone and the mortgage co. still insists it is the bank’s fault and, of course...yes... you knew it..... the bank claims it is the mortgage company’s fault.  This all comes on the heels of my marvelous DMV adventure to attend to another colossal screw up that I had no responsibility in creating. The common thread through each of these, is I did everything required of me.  I dotted my I’s crossed my T’s on time with the correct amount of money and account numbers , The error that created the problem is clearly not mine. But the expectations are that I locate and repair their errors! Crap...I can barely keep up with screw ups I make on my own and I AM responsible for. When did the errors of large companies, become the customers responsibility to track down, prove and correct?  I have spent hours on the phone and in DMV waiting lines tying to fix errors someone else made without the benefit of their computers and logical customer service. I will not be receiving a paycheck for my time from Wells Fargo, Regions Mortgage or the Florida DMV....In fact Regions Mortgage and Florida DMV had the unbelievable moxy to tell me with a smile, that they were not charging ME extra fees or late charges!  AGAIN....ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

I was told these things might happen after all “Mercury is in retrograde”. I do not know who I should see about sending that stinking retrograding somewhere else besides all over me!  If there is any silver lining  the  tid-bit of good news, has to be if “shit” truly comes in 3’s…I should be done!

 
"You Might Die Trying"  Dave Matthews

Being specific....

“Digging deep, staying true, not giving up, building character, breathing in, hanging on”….Make it sound like a super hero introduction.  An incredibly vague set of virtuous actions with no idea about how, when or why to apply them to my life.  Is this list of super human strength the only thing that can make me a good person?  What if I choose to take care of the life I have now? Not choosing to become a pillar of strength or solve others emotional difficulties, but just to have a peaceful, happy, responsible life, focusing on the things I love?  Would walking away from chaotic circumstances that compromise my love and life make me weak and selfish?  

I am still learning what and where my limits are, both physical and emotional. My self-esteem stinks!  In the past, I would take on problems that were not mine, that I did not create and could not possibly solve. No one said I had to do it, and sometimes they did not even ask  for my help.  I made myself feel better and my own problems seem smaller by taking on other people’s problems, and as a bonus I would be seen by others as a “good helpful person”!  So unhealthy on so many levels...and then I ask why me...why heart failure?

So perhaps I need to be more specific….Digging deep into my own heart and love, staying true to my passions, not giving up on creative life,  building my character by taking care of my emotional and physical self,  breathing in love and joy, and hanging on to my own happiness.  Empathy and compassion will always be a part of who I am, but I have to learn how to balance it in my life.

"Superman"  Five for Fighting

Mother's clock

I met my mother when I was 14 yrs. old (1968…PLEASE do NOT do the math). One of the very first things we did together was go to pick up this family clock that Uncle Harvey was repairing. By the way…Uncle Harvey was the family repair man and NASA engineer, I do not recall anything ever, in my life that Uncle Harvey could not fix (or for that matter Aunt Mary could not make, cook, knit, sew, or play on the organ!) but...I digress…this clock has lived and chimed on every shelf and or mantle of Mothers since the very beginning of our relationship in South Miami.

From her original diagnosis, she kept asking me “which of my belongings do you want” and each time I answered “nothing”. That is such a loaded question, and I always felt so awkward when she would ask. I would always answer "I want our memories, our good times and our bad times and all of the love we have created as a result of them". We began talking honestly about our history one day. Admitting to each other that we had failed miserably at the “mother-daughter” relationship, but when we let go of the "family" rules and expectations we became the greatest friends, it was the most amazing love filled adult relationship! That was the day I changed my mind. I wanted to have this clock.  We talked about that day in Uncle Harvey's garage and both agreed it was the one constant in our lives, it marked all of the time we spent together…both good and bad, it has been a part of us from our beginning. The clock was our symbol of the time we did not spend together, the time we spent badly together, and the time that we spent sipping wine, drinking coffee, laughing, exploring, dancing and reveling in the wonderfully peculiar relationship we created.  It was always there, marking time and chiming to the best and the worst of us!

Mother’s clock is a finicky old girl and she has taken some time settling in, insisting on being on precise level footing and slipping into lethargy when I forget to wind her. But finally….we have found our groove! I now recognize the chimes gentle requests when it is time to be wound and she appreciatively responds every hour (and half hour).  The love and  memories of a lifetime surround me each day and every night and are told through those magnificent chimes.


Mother's Clock Chimes

Maybe not shake…how about just a little shudder?

The moment any of us are diagnosed with a long term terminal illness, palliative “living” care should begin…and that is exactly what we should call it, although it needs to be geared towards the early “diers”. (Which by the way....we are all early "diers") Palliative care should not be just a last minute effort that does little more than  organize living wills and prescribe pain meds.  I need guidance to accomplish my best most full life, before the disease is over powering and I have no option but to sit down and rest.  I do not want to “conserve” energy I want to wisely use every single bit of it up.  Give me the resources to be comfortable and as active as possible, do NOT keep telling me to sit down and rest.  Sit down and rest…for what? 

"And Your Bird Can Sing" The Beatles

Monoliths!

Monoliths 6 feet tall and 14 inches front and sides that hang on the wall!  Not quite sure I knew how to “get out of the box” so I just built bigger boxes….well canvas boxes.  The pics are pretty poor quality, I was painting up to the last minute so they are cell phone pics and the texture and the writing really is not visible but ….it is there!  I promise.   I am so very excited that they will be at Orlando Nude Nite  the 11-12& 13^{th  of Feb.}…WOO-HOO!  

Scary and fun pushing myself outside the box!  It's a new life and a new year!  It's amazing, makes my heart sing!

"It's Amazing"  Jem

Most magnificently fascinating!

And it is not as hard as you might think!  Surrounding me is much easier than I thought and the great news for me and others is with a touch of an “on” button I can be connected to just about any one…anywhere…sharing similar problems or interests.  But…. I do have to admit there is nothing like the real experience!  No computer or cell phone screen has ever made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up, or goose bumps appear, or shared a naughty giggle over a glass of wine, or made me feel the need and the want to search, move, dance, sing, and paint, but still I am so lucky to have these connections with friends, lovers,  mentors, artists, and other heart failure ICD implanted sufferers that inspire me to live fully.  I am surrounded in cyber space and real life and it is most magnificently fascinating!

"Follow Me"  Uncle Cracker

Battery Back-up Hardware

The new jewelry.... 5 years later I am getting an up grade! Woo-Hoo! I wear the alert tag and nitro container on the back side of my neck….but it is always with me!  S-ICD is a Subcutaneous Internal Cardiac Defibrillator…Emblem A-209 is the model # and make.  There is oodles of more info on the back AND I have a “note” I have to carry in my wallet at all times just in case I set off the shop lifting detector in stores, metal detectors in government buildings and OMG the sensors at the air ports.  I am good to go and ready to travel….Yeah!!!!  Battery Back-up Hardware!

                 "What Condition My Condition is In"  Kenny Rogers and the First Edition

That’s it… 3 parts of being happy!

I cannot guarantee this will work for everyone, but it works for me. I wonder if everyone already knew this and I am the last one to figure it out.... or people really do not care to understand it.... or I just plain think too much!

Blame nobody…..It is so much easier to blame someone else for the failures in my life.  I do not think that idea needs any further explanation.  I do not want to fail or screw up or look bad, it would be so much easier if it was someone else’s fault.  Cannot blame a girl for trying to push my screw ups off on some else, but for the most part I just need to stand up and “fade the heat”.

Expect nothing…I have spent a life time expecting and every time I did, without fail I have been disappointed (and that is a shit load of disappointment!)  My love and life have been compromised by my expectations of others and their expectations of me.  If there are no expectations, there can be no failures.  I am not certain what people expect of me, but as a woman, wife , mother, sister, aunt, nana, friend I have not lived up to my own expectations of myself, much less anyone else’s.  It maybe time to quit expecting and begin living, laughing, loving without expectations or restrictions.

Do something…even if it is wrong, I am learning the absolute worst thing I can do is... nothing, even when I was healing and it was necessary to be still, not doing anything was detrimental to me.  Not moving, not doing, not proceeding with life causes great deep swaths of damage in my heart, soul and body.  It is good to think, even if I think too much (I am constantly accused of this) but for me, it has to be balanced with doing.  There is a divine balance between thinking and doing.

That’s  it… 3 parts of being happy!

"If it Makes You Happy"   Sheryl Crow

what's not said...

Maybe it is obvious,,,but then again maybe not, for a blog that is titled Life, Love, Art and Heart Failure and Assorted Ramblings, it occurred to me that there is very little here about love...sometimes what's not said,
speaks volumes.


"Life I Know"  India Arie

my little successes....

....and I do not think it is going to happen by me sitting back and waiting for it to happen (although somehow I thought if I did all of the right things that others would just take notice). I no longer need my dreams to include the approval or the admiration of others. I am so incredibly grateful that I have the opportunity to pursue the life and art I love with others that share my passion and my love. 

 I just want to celebrate every little success!

"So Beautiful or So What?"  Paul Simon

I don't believe that....

It begins by not believing everything we are told.  It begins when I look inside and acknowledge my own pain, joy, love, life and start to trust that different does not mean wrong.


"All We Are"  Matt Nathanson

finding the balance....

I am often caught in the middle…My art requires that I take chances to move forward, it is scary and difficult but on some level it ALWAYS moves me forward and leads to growth.  On the other hand the doctors chronically shake their fingers at me, admonishing me to quit taking chances, only to follow their prescribed activities.  It is difficult to find the balance.

"A Prayer for the Dying"   Seal

Doing what I LOVE....Love Potions!

An Art Exhibition
Women finding the"Love Potions" that will protect and defend their hearts from heart disease.
The number one killer of women!

Thank you!  Amy, Steve, (Amy's Mom & Dad) Denisse, Marla, Lillian, Terry, Vicky, Judy, Mary, Cindy, Joy, Debbie, Ann, Liz, Wendy, Jenifer, Terry and Peg Bebe, and so many others that were a part of this amazing dream come true!

Yay ME!

Don't you worry about a thing...

Well…here it is!  Not my first art exhibit, but the first one that my focus has NOT been on painting pretty pictures and then selling them.  These pictures are about telling a story, hoping they will feel something. "NO" they are not serene landscapes, recognizable still lifes or ethereal life studies.  They are my guts flung on to canvas and feelings mashed into clay.   I hope I can make you feel something.... I cannot change it now!  It's out there...I cannot worry .

"Don't You Worry"   Stevie Wonder

I am holding on tight to Niel Gaiman's quote.
“The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself...That is the moment, you might be starting to get it right.”

Love Potions

The Art Exhibit opening is tomorrow night!

It's not about your scars, its all about your heart!

"It's all about your Heart"

Mindy Gledhill

The Artists of 
"Love Potions"

Do I have a voice?

Almost…almost…almost…
Seems like just a few days ago this was nothing more than a fleeting idea. Just Amy Painter and I batting ideas back and forth…and then in what feels like a blink of an eye….it manifests into a real exhibition that tells a terrific story. I cannot wait to see if others like it as much as I hope they will! I cannot wait to find out...Do I have a voice?


"It's  a Little Bit Me"   The Monkees

Monoliths!

Monoliths!  No longer just pillars! 14 x 14 by 72!  By the time the canvas was stretched and the geso applied they seem to grow in size and space.  I still have no idea what or how I am going to paint these things but I got to get busy….Nude Nite juries in about 10 days….YIKES!  I will confess that the work, so far is still horribly slow, my body and these new (but healing nicely) incisions continue to  be really sore and uncomfortable.  I cannot wait to begin the "real" painting, but tomorrow is all about the texture, then I hope "she" the image will begin to show up!

"Woman"  John Lennon

I'll be there for you....

Although we “kinda” kept in touch with each other through 44 years of life, the reality is life required that we focus on the choices we made. Lovers, careers, children and other responsibilities commanded our attention for each of us to become successful in those choices. The bonds of girlhood friendships, some that were established in kindergarten, lost their intensity.  But life changes and we are finding a new place in the bonds that were created ages ago in a whole other life time.  I am reveling in the recent opportunities that have brought us together again! There are times that I look past my glass of wine at the girl across the table and the years melt away, we are 17 again!

To have this group of amazing women come to support me in this latest art exhibit opening is the most wonderful thing. As I expose my life,  heart and soul in a body of work in a style and medium that are so different than my past work, every part of me is shaking with fear. But my friends will be there, and somehow that has become the most important thing! Thank you my dear friends, Thank you!

"Friends"  The Rembrandts

How I ricochet......

And....I know most of you will never understand that quote from poet and suicide victim Sylvia Plath. but I bet every "creative" will…and….it is ok.  Telling us that our feelings are wrong or ridiculous...does not now, nor has it ever made the scary feelings of fear go away.  This is not posted to explain to friends and family why I am having these swings from “certainty to doubt” but to share with the creatives in my life, that these radical feelings are normal for every single creative endeavor that we pour our hearts into.  

It will never make sense!  

You never get used to it!  

and do it any way!

"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

Pillars & Pool noodles

And the next project is “Pillars” that will hang on the wall.  14 x 14 x 72 stretcher bars are ready for the canvas to be stretched and primed with gesso.  Nude Nite juries in a couple of weeks and I am anxious to try something really really different! Crossing my fingers….I hope I get in!  I love being busy and creative and Nude Nite!

Large canvas paintings are going out in the morning for exhibit installation and I found that the grand children’s pool noodles cut up and split will make the most amazing transporting pads! (Sorry kids!) They literally and softly “clamp” on the stretcher bars of the canvas paintings and keep air space between them!  No rubbing and scarring from the vibrations in the van or other moving!  Woo-Hoo!

"Fight Song"  Rachel Patten

who I was created to be...

I feel like I have been given another chance to be who I was created to be!  In the past I have been close. Each time I reinvent myself I feel like I am getting closer.  As a picture framer I learned about art, how to frame it, what sold and what did not. As an artist I learned how to produce the pictures that others would like and buy. Every time I tweaked my direction, I was scared and afraid of failure but every time I took the risk I was happier, a little more successful and I suspect closer to who I am supposed to be.  I have been given another opportunity to be who I was created to be. As I change directions again I have to remember that fear is part of it.  I have been given another chance to be who I was created to be. I hope this time I get it right!

"I Lived"  One Republic