life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Being specific....

“Digging deep, staying true, not giving up, building character, breathing in, hanging on”….Make it sound like a super hero introduction.  An incredibly vague set of virtuous actions with no idea about how, when or why to apply them to my life.  Is this list of super human strength the only thing that can make me a good person?  What if I choose to take care of the life I have now? Not choosing to become a pillar of strength or solve others emotional difficulties, but just to have a peaceful, happy, responsible life, focusing on the things I love?  Would walking away from chaotic circumstances that compromise my love and life make me weak and selfish?  

I am still learning what and where my limits are, both physical and emotional. My self-esteem stinks!  In the past, I would take on problems that were not mine, that I did not create and could not possibly solve. No one said I had to do it, and sometimes they did not even ask  for my help.  I made myself feel better and my own problems seem smaller by taking on other people’s problems, and as a bonus I would be seen by others as a “good helpful person”!  So unhealthy on so many levels...and then I ask why me...why heart failure?

So perhaps I need to be more specific….Digging deep into my own heart and love, staying true to my passions, not giving up on creative life,  building my character by taking care of my emotional and physical selfbreathing in love and joy, and hanging on to my own happiness.  Empathy and compassion will always be a part of who I am, but I have to learn how to balance it in my life.

"Superman"  Five for Fighting

3 comments:

  1. I don't know about everyone but I do know for me a huge part of my identity, and self esteem, was built on using the majority of my time for others....just to get pats on my back. However recently I have seenough a shift from needing that as much. I am thinking it is what happens when you get older??? Just a normal transition into a later stage of life maybe....

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  2. I do not know for sure....but I will take it anyway I can get it!

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  3. I do not know for sure....but I will take it anyway I can get it!

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