do it very well....

Whenever I am willing to ask "What is necessary next?" I have moved ahead. Whenever I have taken no for a final answer, I have gotten stuck.     Julia Cameron

I am caught up in learning in an on line class called "Word Play" and reading reading the "Teaching Artist Handbook" from the University of Chicago Press.... I am grounded for awhile and I am thinking that recent events are pointing me in a new more focused direction, it is up to me to pursue them with all my heart,  I still have so much life to live, and I want to do it  very well! 

"Smile"  Uncle Kracker"

How I get through this!

Just spent the last couple of days in doctors’ offices and 4 week checkups.  Aggravated and pissed at my body for taking such a long time to recover.  Although I have been assured that I am doing well and my expectations have been totally unreasonable, this is going to take a longer time than I could have possibly imagined.  How did I miss this in the pre-op preparations?  It is my opinion that they did not tell me, or anyone else for that matter.  No one would ever agree to this if we had a clue what the recovery would be like!

Whether they did or didn’t, is irrelevant now!  I am 4 weeks in, so that means 4 weeks are behind me, and I will assume they were the worst!  There have been some major stumbling blocks, but I think I am past the really bad ones of them now.  I am now officially allowed to drive!  Woo-hoo! But warned about exposure to places with lots of people and bacteria, apparently my immune system is still quite compromised.  Can’t they just say “drive baby drive, you are free”?

In 6 more weeks (again not what I was originally told) we will begin the testing that will determine whether or not the hibernating tissue in my heart is responding and beginning to work!  It is going to be a long 6 weeks of not knowing.

This is more than I could have ever expected, it is done, and my job from here on out is to facilitate pain management and magnificent healing that is how I get through this! Laying down my regrets, I am grateful!

"A Beautiful Day"  India Arie

Forward

I have to admit, and I have said it more than once to more than just a few people that if I had to do this all over again, with what I know right now, I never would have done it!  My biggest desire was that I get a longer life with a better quality than I had.  Maybe that was expecting too much, but that is what they said could happen.  It still hurts, is hard to breathe and my quality of life right now sucks!  And all I can do is continue to hope that this a normal part of the healing process, but the reality is the medical industry does not want to deal with this part, they send you home to do this on your own……and it is the hardest part. So….I am going to keep on breathing, keep on walking and keep on going forward the best way I can. But I I do see the cardiologist tomorrow….I hope I will know something wonderful and exciting!  Moving FORWARD!

                   "Arms Around My Life"  Janis Ian

How much more....

Repeat this to myself every day at least 100 times.  I had no idea!  I get frustrated and feel like surely there is something wrong…why is this taking so long…people, all people, even the ones that care about me but have no experience and/or knowledge seem to think it will make me feel better if they tell me “it takes time and patience”.   No one ever said this will take everything I have got. You are going to be hurt and angry for no reason. That my own body is going to work against me. Exhausted for no reason, chronic pain in my ribs and chest, a huge and ugly incision  down the middle of my chest that does not want to heal.  It is taking everything I have got, and some days I do not know how much more I have….

                 "Heart of Gold"  Neil Young

The doctors, nurses and hospitals have taken good care of my disease, my broken heart and I am so very grateful, but they have done nothing to take care of me and that is the pain that needs the most attention, right now.   I was never told what how much pain and discomfort to expect or how long it would last, how much energy it was going to take just to sit up and be awake.  Our medical system is horribly horribly broken, they focus on and honor the disease and my broken parts. My quality of  life of life while healing and afterwards has been ignored.  It is backwards.  All I wanted to accomplish with my life was to live well and with meaning.  Right now I am doing neither, and that hurts as much as the exhaustion and physical pain.

I do not have to invite them....

And  I have the best tea parties!  I relate to every single one of these personalities, in fact I can identify each of these behaviors in my life.  There are times when one or all of these traits emerge in me and I am embarrassed, ashamed and I want to hide.  

What I need to do is learn how to celebrate them…..all of them!  They are all a magnificent part of who I am.  There will always be people in my life that will not approve of me, how I navigate problems or celebrate life. 

These people will always be in my life, but I do not have to invite them to my parties.

"I Don't Want to Spoil the Party"  The Beatles

I Can do This.....

I can do this….I can do this….I can do this…..I can do this…. Every day is different, harder in some ways, easier in others.  The desire to have my life back is stronger and stronger, but the reality is my body/my heart still is not letting me do what I want to do and it is so frustrating.  The ache and soreness in my ribs and chest suck every ounce of physical energy out of me.  I have to concentrate on keeping my emotional energy high, I have to find those things that give me purpose and direction and immerse myself in the joy of those accomplishments.

"Make it Mine"  Jason Mraz

I might spit....

Caution......Serious GROUSING ahead!
This has been crap!  I have never had anything physically hurt this much and for this long!  Yes I know I have been spoiled over the past few years and the pain I did experience could be quickly dispelled; I mean a matter of seconds, with no pain medicine hang-over….the joys of nitro-glycerin! Now the ribs ache like crazy and the damned incision will not heal and close.  The discomfort and pain is chronic and I am so frustrated with it I want to spit!  I hate this, I hate this….my heart is better but my chest hurts more now than it ever did, it is not how this was supposed to be.  And they all keep telling me relax, it is going to get better, in the meantime time I cannot sit here and let it take over my life, but I might spit!

                                                                             "Jagged Little Pills"  Alanis Morisette

By Doing What I Love.....

This is where I will find my purpose, my desires, my talents, my joy all seem to be pointing me in this direction, again.  It is not time for me to quit or slow down, it is time for me to go back to what I love to do.
 This is what I need to connect to!

To inspire and awaken the hearts of others!  To laugh, dance, celebrate, teach, practice art and life is what makes me happy….It is time to do more of that!  They may have tried to fix my physical heart but they stripped it of all meaning and purpose, it is going to be up to me to take back my life and fill my heart with what I love!

"Everyday"  Dave Matthews Band

Connect....

I have no idea what I am doing…..but I know clearly what I am not doing! 

The more I have dug in my heals and decided I am going to beat this, the more I seem to stay stagnant in my own recovery.  Doctors, nurses, friends and family all tell me to relax, this takes time, be patient, give myself time to heal, but I know in my heart that there is more to it than that.  I have struggled and pushed and not been able to wrap my head and my heart around what I need to do to make this happen. The harder I tried, the worse it seemed to get.

Laying awake in my bed last night, unable to sleep, I felt a shift, and I knew what I needed to do. I have got to let go of this ego centered body conscious healing. Let go of needing others to help me, when there is quite frankly nothing they can do.  I need to simply let go of all of it and connect to my spirit, my passion,  my source, trust that my heart knows what it needs to do.  Connect….one of my core desired feelings.  I have known this all along.  Connect and fearlessly trust my heart, connect to my passion and my purpose.

"Undun"  The Guess Who

Brene' Brown is singing to me this morning!

from "Rising Strong" Vulnerable

"You're the Only Thing in Your Way"  Cloud Cult

I just have to believe right now.....

And I find myself looking ahead and panicking!  

What do I do next?  

Can I go back out on the art show circuit? Galleries?  

Is it worth it, can I do it?  

Do I teach? 

Do I create?  

What do I do now?  

I know, I know, I know…take it easy, it is early, do not worry, just get well.  So much easier said than done!  I know I have so much more to do, I just do not know how or where to start!  I just have to believe right now!
Please!

 "Fear"  Jazmine Sullivan

Class act!

Yep, I am a class act!  3 full weeks of being cooped up in hospital and/or house and my first trip into the real world is the Dollar General store around the corner.  Actually I went (or...actually I was taken) for plastic garbage bags, fabric softener and kitty treats and ended up having a blast and spending $66!  I got  all kinds of fun things. 4 pairs of swim fins for the grandsons beach trip next summer (a terrific end of summer mark down sale) a hickey that will make spaghetti out of veggies, and a mess of stuff I did not know I had to have! Excellent tacky DOLLAR GENERAL FUN !

"If I had $1,000,000."  Bare Naked Ladies

I am....

starting over again

learning…healing…asking…growing...
figuring out who and what and why I am! 

They have done all they can…
it is all up to me now!

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

Again and again and again...

I seem to have had more than my share of again and again.  I have started over too many times recently and all I need to know right now is will I ever get it right?  Maybe the first times I was headed the wrong way and needed to start again to change directions.  Maybe my body has just been screaming at me to slow down, or maybe I want too much, too soon….it would not be the first time that has happened! I do not remember ever having to do anything that has been this physically and emotionally tough,  I was grossly underprepared and it has challenged every single part of me to the extreme.  When I come out of this I will be so so strong and surprisingly….. it is a little better today maybe I am finally headed in the right direction! If not…I will be doing this again and again and again until I get it right!

"He Heals Me"  India Arie

When things seem to be falling apart....

Because I could….did it mean I should?

In the past 3 weeks I have been through planned open heart surgery, which did not go exactly as planned, a TIA and kidney failure. The last 2 events were NOT planned…for the record I am back home from the hospital again (if you are counting, this is the 3rd time) and back on the recovery trail again, but this experience has me asking the question, because I could, does it mean I should?

Five years of heart failure have not been fun, in fact it has been difficult and painful at times, but I was adjusting physically and emotionally.  So in fairness, some of this fear and doubt may be the availability of a new life that I just cannot see yet and not sure how or what I can do with the rest of my life.

It could be that these types of setbacks are typical and I should have been prepared for the possibility, but I had no idea.  The inability to make any recognizable forward progress toward getting my life back has been extraordinarily physically painful, financially overwhelming and emotionally devastating. Although I know I should be eternally grateful for a new chance at life, the fact remains it is still too early to know if the surgery worked, and I am too much of a physical wreck to see through to the better days, yet. 

Yes, I know I need to give it more time……

Yes, I know I should be eternally grateful….

Yes,  I know….I know…I know, but before I reach for any of the amazing highs, that I hope and pray are coming my way,  I suspect it is necessary to survive these horrendous lows.  And this nagging question that keeps playing in the back of my head, Because I could have had this surgery…does it mean I should have???  I hope I will find that the answer is an irresistible, incredible yes, yes yes, but right now I just do not know.  

"Watching Over You"  Ann Reed

I am BACK, just not dancing yet......whew!

My heart has defined me for so long I am not sure what I should do now.  What do I do next?  Is this a magnificent new beginning or is it just another chapter in the end of the book.  The healing from this surgery is longer and harder than I could have ever imagined.  And the wait to find out if it is going to work drags on with no clues one way or the other.  

Back to the very beginning of this journey….one day at a time….still celebrating love...I will be dancing soon... regardless of what happens next....I have given it my best shot, given it all I have....Now I live, just live!

"Ooooo Child"  Beth Orton

I will be singing.....This is my "Fight Song"

Had my pre-flight check out today, and all of my test results and numbers were spectacular!  Better than they have been in quite some time!  I am thinking my week at the beach was the best thing I could have done!  I am as ready as I can be....although make no mistake, I would rather not be doing this at all....but grateful....so grateful to have this opportunity and happy that it is under the best possible circumstances...

Cross your fingers and sing and dance with me!

The Best Week EVER!

I have had the most spectacular week with friends and family!  A magnificent reminder of all of the wonderful things I have to be grateful for!  Everyone left yesterday, and I have had the perfect opportunity to connect to my heart and my spirit before this week begins.  I spent yesterday on the beach just at the edge of the water, and let the waves, the fear and the tears wash over me and then wash out to sea....high tide might be a little higher today!  Last night there was an incredible blanket of stars over me, then another spectacular sunrise walk on the beach this morning.  The Universe is telling me I am ready for this!  Tomorrow and Wednesday I will be in the hospital for outpatient testing and then Thursday morning is my most incredible gift ever!  An opportunity to feel a little better and live a little longer.  Open heart surgery begins at 7:30 am on Thursday and so does my chance for a longer, less pain, happier, fuller, more creative, more loving, incredible life!

I have so much to be grateful for,so many people and loves.  I will be fighting like a wild woman to hold on to all of this!

The Important Things!

which ever one of the "old" friends shared this yesterday....
ThankYOU is a perfect way to start this weekend!

And this is a mouthful of truth!  Running (not walking) back “home” for a high school reunion… #43 to be precise, but it is not so much the reunion but 5 good high school friends getting the opportunity to spend a weekend together in Nanny Sander’s house, where we all did a good part of our growing up!  5 (maybe more) women/girls coming home to rediscover our “important things “and I suspect there will be a bit of party-ing, too!  Woo-Hoo!

"Moma Told Me Not to Come" 3 Dog Night

Cheryl's Excellent Adventure.....Part #1

"You Might Die Trying" Live

Dave Matthews Band Concert is Part #1 of 4 spectacular adventures that will change my life forever!  It could not gotten off to a better start…..well they could have played more of MY favorite songs, but that does not take away from the outstanding musicians they are and the incredible noise they can make!  Of course, if you mix in great people, huge gigantic beers, an amazing full moon (it was an outdoor venue) with that noise and there will be dancing in the aisles!  Great, great, great fun!
"to change the world...you start with one step"

 "if you give....you get the world"               

"You Might Die Trying"  Dave Matthews Band

chaos...chaos...chaos... BRING IT!

That is what they say anyway…and I am holding them to it, cause I have got some serious wonderful chaos in my near future!  My annual pilgrimage to see The Dave Matthews Band https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK7AlQ3FNdQ , a high school reunion and a 2 day slumber party with old high school girl friends, at Nanny Sanders’ house.  A house all of us practically grew up in, and at last count I think there were somewhere between 4 and 6 bottles of vodka lined up and an uncountable number of full wine bottles…..
Ergo the CHAOS already mentioned!  

And all of this chaos does not even take into consideration the next few days at the beach with 4 grandsons ages 7 through 11.  Crazy chaos or absolute, unbelievable, kick-butt take names…FUN!

"Bad to the Bone"  George Thorogood

There she goes....again!

So….if you know anything about me….you know that I am a certified control freak (accept when it comes to house cleaning and cooking, always have better things to do).  You have to know how absolutely petrified I am about open heart surgery.  I mean the ultimate in lack of control.  Some people I do not not know (who’s only interest in me is a pay check) will literally sawing and hacking into my chest and stopping my heart.  Not that I want to be awake to choreograph this….but holy crap, it is the ultimate in letting go of control!

"There She Goes, Again"  Ortopilot

Creative rhythm, sensual ebb and flow...are you kidding me??? .... My fear is out of control dancing wildly!

i move to a creative rhythm, i am brave, open hearted, intuitive in my sway, i ebb and flow my way into this breathtaking dance, i am the sensual one.

This….This is the ultimate fear of the unknown! Not knowing if this surgery is going to work. How much is it going to hurt? How long before I get my life back? What will my body and my life look like when they are done? Will my heart be better? Underneath, my fear is dancing wildly, but all you can see is calm... It is taking everything I have to hold on to my creative rhythm, my brave open heart, my sensual controlled breathtaking dance?

"Honky Tonk Woman" The Rolling Stones

Boobs, Pirates, Tequila and Tiaras....

Yes, I know you are watching….so you need to know there is not one day of my life that I have not said Thank you for being my best friend.
"Love is where this begins, Thank you for letting me in, I've never had to pretend, You’ve always known who I am And I know my life is better, Because you’re a part of it, I know without you by my side, That I would be different Thank you for all of your trust, Thank you for not giving up, Thank you for holding my hand. I've always known where you stand Yes, I feel my life is better, So is the world we’re living in, I’m thankful for the time I spent, With my best friend Thank you for calling me out, Thank you for waking me up, Thank you for breaking it down, Thank you for choosing us Thank you for all you’re about, Thank you for lifting me up, Thank you for keeping me grounded, And being here now, I’m thankful for the time I spent With my best friend." Jason Mraz

"Best Friend"  Jason Mraz

I must do the thing...

Each day it just creeps closer and closer and the fear  can be overwhelming.  I wish with all my heart (no pun intended) that I could just blink my eyes and it would be all over with.  I wish it would be done, that it is a grand success, and I will have bought myself more time and a better quality of life.  I must do the THING….

               "Heals Me"  India Arie

and do it anyway....

I wish I could tell you how many times I have said this to others.  In 20 years of facilitating creativity classes, it is one of my go to catch phrases.  There is even a book by this tittle that I have highly recommended to classes.  And now I sit, drenched in fear and this phrase seems to be preposterous.  But....I am going to do it any way.  The next time I tell a class full of creatives to feel the fear and do it anyway, it will mean something very different!

           "Fear"   Jazmine Sullivan

Art Fairy Godmother

I have just been called an art fairy godmother, and it literally brought tears to my eyes I am so touched, honored, overwhelmed, proud, encouraged (I can go on and on) and cannot think of anything in this whole world that I would like to be known as more than this.
And if that was not the greatest thing in the whole wild world....
there is a magic wand and tiara!

Thank you my dear amazing creative friend!  I am so touched!


"When You Wish Upon a Star"   Rod Stewart

Religion and Politics

In the course of many interesting and wonderful conversations I have felt the pressure to produce a solid belief in something.  I really do feel some connection to this quote!  I love a discourse with those that can passionately embrace their beliefs, without becoming angry if I question why or do not embrace the same viewpoints.  I have had friends and family that literally sever ties with me simply because I cannot embrace and practice their beliefs, or that I openly question or doubt the popular faiths. I would not ever want anyone to believe as I do, to simply belong and/or agree.  Why is it so difficult for them to offer me the same courtesy?   Is religious and political “belief’ the death of questioning and intelligence?

"Abraham, Martin & John"   Dion

Ting-Tang-Walla-Walla-Bing-Bang

Having a truly "what the hell are you doing?" moment. The truth is the doctors do not know me from Adam's house cat.  I am not a person with a life, I am a big ass paycheck....I know, I know I am sounding horribly cynical but.....the reality is...if this surgery does not work.... they go home have dinner with the family and still collect a pay check....they risk nothing!!!

Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats

Who spy up your rectums and look down your throats

And press you and poke you with sterilized tools

And stab at solutions that pacify fools.

I used to revere them and do what they said

Till I learned what they learned on was already dead.

                                                                       Gilda Radner

"Witch Doctor" David Seville & the Chipmunks

Well CRAP.....

Well CRAP!  Timing never has been my strong suit!  I have been in the gym for a couple of months now adding strength training to my walking with the hopes of being absolutely totally and completely ready for this open heart surgery and the gym decides to remodel and will be closed for a while!  Another couple of week’s strength training will be missed!

However, beach week is the 3 thru 11 so my last week’s works outs was already scheduled to be solitary sunrise walks along the beach anyway, a much better way to prepare than that stinky gym. 

Maybe it will be ok….

"Push it"  Salt n Pepa

3/4's of the way there....

It looks like I am going to get a stutter in my life.  A distinct time where I can clearly mark the ending of one part of my life, and to a certain degree begin again.  I should have more energy and life and the question becomes what do I want to do with it.   Then I ran across this small chart, and it really did make some decisions seem clearer.  I just have to work harder on “You are paid for it”.  The other 3 things have already been answered, I am ¾’s of the way there!

"You Live, You Learn"  Alanis  Morisette

from the "Class of 72...."

1972 Leesburg High School Year Book voted “Best Sense of Humor” 

Holy crap!  That was a nice rack....even if I do say so myself!  Not so much NOW!

A reunion coming up, and my nose is smashed into the yearbook boning up on who is who. I cannot remember who I saw last week and now somehow I think looking at 40 something year old pictures might help. And yes for a few moments….. I really did think we would all look like we were still 18 years old. Why is it, regardless how much time has passed, or what I have accomplished in life, I go back home to a class reunion and every single one of those, high school feelings of insecurity and "not good enough" erupt like I am still 18 years old! There is no doubt that I have survived the wear & tear of life, I look like I am 60 something, but fortunately I am still loud, outrageously inappropriate, overly expressive, I chronically break the rules, I will never be the proper Leesburg lady and I dance really badly (but still love to). I just figured out how to make a living and a life from all of my 1972 un-lady-like qualities as a Fine Artist (never in the art club, in fact I got caught skipping art class) Creativity Facilitator (never a leader or queen of anything, although I wear my tiara regularly now), However I am, I am indeed still laughing! That part I got right!

"The Sun Screen Song"  Buz Luhman

Making my mark....

Maybe this is just the way

my art, my love and my life 

is supposed to be.  

This is the whole the point!

"How can you mend a Broken Heart"
Al Green & Joss Stone

yes....I am whining....

None of it falls into place easily, it never just “flows”…It is all a mess, but I have had years to learn how to convince myself and others to ignore and cover up the hurt and the pain and move forward anyway. I am and have been an expert performer, but this disease is taking its toll and I am so tired, I just cannot do it very well any more.  Years of hurt and pain have eaten my heart and now it is showing through and falling apart. This is when I feel the most vulnerable and clean out more closets.

and yes I am whining....

"Family of Strangers"   Ann Reed

and...Today's Lessons

Be strong

Doesn’t matter what others think

Use all of your body and soul

Do not be afraid to be smart

They cannot hurt me

And always always always express yourself!

"Good Girls"     Julian Moon

Always the Lady ?????

There is this FB app that shows past posts, and this one turned up today from one of my old High School friends…“Ummm....Yea....what do you  think?”

Always the prim and proper lady!

"She's a Lady"    Tom Jones    

Next!

If this surgery works.....I think I may be coming to an amazing new beginning!  I can start all over again, a chance to leave this consuming fear and pain behind me, to choose the energy I want to embrace.  I cannot even begin to imagine how life will change when I do not have to spend so much of my precious energy on the pain and being tired all of the time.  I need to get busy planning what I need to do next!

             "Shine" Jason Mraz

10 Rules for being a Human Being

Last night at the Art Journal Group this quote came up and I loved it!  

by Cr. Cherie Carter-Scott, it is great!

"Wide Awake"   Kay Perry

Get out of the way and let the girl dance!

Still very excited and hopeful, but also walking through the scared shitless part,  desperately looking to think positively! I know this kind of surgery is done every day, but the thought that my heart will be stopped and machine breathing and pushing blood through me, literally takes my breath away.  I need to dance, laugh and celebrate! NOW"

"She Just Wants to Dance"  Keb Mo

"Watch me"

For over 5 years they (doctors-nurses) have said, we can’t, you can’t. Take your pills and behave. I accepted their opinions, I believed them, sometimes I behaved, but more often I didn’t, a small part of me, never ever gave up.  As it turns out, that small part of me was hibernating in my heart! Never ever ever give up….never ever give someone all of your power, I do not care what kind of expert they are.  No one understands the magic we have in each of us!

"Magic Carpet Ride"  Steppenwolf

My CDF's

Core Desire Feelings!  They are an interesting and wonderful alternative to long term goal setting!  Instead of setting long term goals, struggling day in and day out.  I was taught by Danielle LaPort’s Desire Mapping, to soul search and discover the feelings that I want to have every day.  These are mine…..  Every decision I make should be done with the goal of having one or all of these feelings……every day!

This is my FIGHT SONG!

Yes...

Life gifts, chances, opportunities, breaks, typically will not arrive gift wrapped with a bow and a gift card explaining exactly what they are and how they will change lives.  It has taken me some time to realize after 5 years of doctors telling me no, that I have been given the gift of a choice, the choice to say "yes" or "no".  My immediate gut feeling, was no.  I had heard it so many times before and learned how to take "no" with grace (kind of) and acceptance.  I know how to do “NO”.
"Yes" is foreign, yes is scary, Yes is full of risk and pain.  But me saying yes, is the only possible way I have to build the new.
I am saying yes….yes... to open heart surgery, yes.... to the gift, the chance, the opportunity to hold onto to my life and build new!

"Pata Pata"    Miriam

Is this the miracle I have been hoping for?

Fear and disbelief are setting in as I begin to let yesterday sink in…..I mean truly sink in.  Sink in to my head and into my heart.  For years I have been told that there was a great deal of damage to my heart from the heart attack that was irreparable. It was dead heart muscle.  I was officially diagnosed with heart failure and 5 years ago began the process of living a long chronic and terminal condition.  I struggled in the beginning unwilling to believe that the heart muscle was the only tissue that could not heal.  How can that be?  Every other cell in our body can regenerate itself and heal, what makes my heart different?

Recent downgrades in my heart have forced me back into the doctors for more intervention and a series of NEW tests. A test that was to detect the location of healthy functioning tissue for ICD leads found that there is a part of my heart that is hibernating, not dead. I was turned down for the ICD for lack of viable functioning heart muscle.  But the test showed a moderate amount of tissue in my heart that they previously thought was dead is indeed still alive, hibernating, but not functioning.  Yesterday I saw a big time fancy thoracic surgeon that feels confident about being able to get blood flow back to that hibernating area. It means open heart surgery and that scares the hooey out of me.  Is this the miracle I have been hoping for??

"Don't Give Up"  Herbie Hancock, John Legend, Pink

Grace and Strength

I can do this….This is part of my life!  To back down, need someone to do this with me, diminishes my courage.  I am going to need to be much much stronger than I am now, to face what lies ahead of me.  To move through it with grace and strength, I need to practice at being brave, fearless and not afraid.  I am going to do this….whatever this ends up being.  I will do it with grace and strength.

"She is not Afraid"  One Direction

A beautiful disaster....

Well….that is the official PR anyway!  It would be great if it were so, but the reality is….it is not! However, I think there are times that each of us get little tastes of it.  It happens every now and again,  in the middle of an experience, with someone or something, that I totally forget my own brokenness. I become so much a part of something else that I am less me, less of my imperfections, flaws and disasters.  None of them are really beautiful but the situations and the people that can make me forget are! 

"On and On" Stephen Bishop

Finally... There is SCIENCE behind my messy studio!

Just need a copy of this on hand every time I start beating myself up over how messy my studio is.

http://elitedaily.com/money/entrepreneurship/psychology-behind-messy-rooms-messy-room-may-necessarily-bad-thing/708046/

Yes....I am just fine!

I never wanted to blend in....

I was brought up  to blend in, never ever be remarkable, do not attract attention, do nothing to make anyone look at you, ladies do not ask for anything, they wait for someone to offer it. 

Yep….want to know how well that has worked for me?

I tried to blend in, not be remarkable, not attract attention, do nothing to have people look at me and wait for them to offer…..they never do.…..not great career moves when you are an artist. 

I am not supposed to blend in, no one is supposed to blend in!,,,,and I am still working on that.....it is ok.

"Breaking Silence" Janis Ian

Welcoming madness! It is not just me!

“Be silent and listen: have you recognized your madness and do you admit it? Have you noticed that all your foundations are completely mired in madness? Do you not want to recognize your madness and welcome it in a friendly manner? You wanted to accept everything. So accept madness too. Let the light of your madness shine, and it will suddenly dawn on you. Madness is not to be despised and not to be feared, but instead you should give it life.”                                                — Carl Jung, The Red Book

"I Don't Want to Wait"  Paula Cole

i am the sensual one....

Or at least I think I am, but then that is all that really matters, isn’t?  What I think…. At the risk of sounding selfish….for the next few days and most especially on Monday it will be all about what I think.  I am finally coming into my own sensual, creative life of self-discovery.  What I think does matter.  I will listen, I will use good decision making skills, but I will follow my heart into this next breathtaking dance!


 "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"  Boostraps