life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Thursday, September 3, 2015

When things seem to be falling apart....

Because I could….did it mean I should?
In the past 3 weeks I have been through planned open heart surgery, which did not go exactly as planned, a TIA and kidney failure. The last 2 events were NOT planned…for the record I am back home from the hospital again (if you are counting, this is the 3rd time) and back on the recovery trail again, but this experience has me asking the question, because I could, does it mean I should?

Five years of heart failure have not been fun, in fact it has been difficult and painful at times, but I was adjusting physically and emotionally.  So in fairness, some of this fear and doubt may be the availability of a new life that I just cannot see yet and not sure how or what I can do with the rest of my life.

It could be that these types of setbacks are typical and I should have been prepared for the possibility, but I had no idea.  The inability to make any recognizable forward progress toward getting my life back has been extraordinarily physically painful, financially overwhelming and emotionally devastating. Although I know I should be eternally grateful for a new chance at life, the fact remains it is still too early to know if the surgery worked, and I am too much of a physical wreck to see through to the better days, yet. 
Yes, I know I need to give it more time……
Yes, I know I should be eternally grateful….

Yes,  I know….I know…I know, but before I reach for any of the amazing highs, that I hope and pray are coming my way,  I suspect it is necessary to survive these horrendous lows.  And this nagging question that keeps playing in the back of my head, Because I could have had this surgery…does it mean I should have???  I hope I will find that the answer is an irresistible, incredible yes, yes yes, but right now I just do not know.  
"Watching Over You"  Ann Reed

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