life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Monday, September 7, 2015


I have no idea what I am doing…..but I know clearly what I am not doing! 

The more I have dug in my heals and decided I am going to beat this, the more I seem to stay stagnant in my own recovery.  Doctors, nurses, friends and family all tell me to relax, this takes time, be patient, give myself time to heal, but I know in my heart that there is more to it than that.  I have struggled and pushed and not been able to wrap my head and my heart around what I need to do to make this happen. The harder I tried, the worse it seemed to get.

Laying awake in my bed last night, unable to sleep, I felt a shift, and I knew what I needed to do. I have got to let go of this ego centered body conscious healing. Let go of needing others to help me, when there is quite frankly nothing they can do.  I need to simply let go of all of it and connect to my spirit, my passion,  my source, trust that my heart knows what it needs to do.  Connect….one of my core desired feelings.  I have known this all along.  Connect and fearlessly trust my heart, connect to my passion and my purpose.
"Undun"  The Guess Who

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