life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Is this the miracle I have been hoping for?



Fear and disbelief are setting in as I begin to let yesterday sink in…..I mean truly sink in.  Sink in to my head and into my heart.  For years I have been told that there was a great deal of damage to my heart from the heart attack that was irreparable. It was dead heart muscle.  I was officially diagnosed with heart failure and 5 years ago began the process of living a long chronic and terminal condition.  I struggled in the beginning unwilling to believe that the heart muscle was the only tissue that could not heal.  How can that be?  Every other cell in our body can regenerate itself and heal, what makes my heart different?

Recent downgrades in my heart have forced me back into the doctors for more intervention and a series of NEW tests. A test that was to detect the location of healthy functioning tissue for ICD leads found that there is a part of my heart that is hibernating, not dead. I was turned down for the ICD for lack of viable functioning heart muscle.  But the test showed a moderate amount of tissue in my heart that they previously thought was dead is indeed still alive, hibernating, but not functioning.  Yesterday I saw a big time fancy thoracic surgeon that feels confident about being able to get blood flow back to that hibernating area. It means open heart surgery and that scares the hooey out of me.  Is this the miracle I have been hoping for??


"Don't Give Up"  Herbie Hancock, John Legend, Pink

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