life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, November 25, 2016

I do not need to figure them out!

I did not really understand what it meant to make peace with myself, and now all of the sudden (well not all of the sudden like 2 days ago, but in the past few months) it has become very clear.  I am not saying that I have all of this figured out, but here is the huge difference….I do not need to figure it out! 

Those “demons” are of my own doing…I may not have created the situation that made the monsters or the original damaging feelings they caused, but I have kept the pain and beliefs alive in my heart and my head under the guise of needing to figure them out… I do not need to figure them out!

The chaos in my heart settles when I let go and accept the feelings as they were and as they are without needing to change them or understand them.  I accept the responsibility for making poor choices about people, situations and feelings that cause confusion and pain.  At the risk of sounding selfish or not being understood, I will do what I need to do for my love, my life, and my heart.  I am going to screw up, I am still going to get hurt, I will hurt the feelings of the people I love, but this time I can choose whether to hold on to that pain or release it and let it go. I do not need to understand, I do not need to figure them out.

I feel like I have just been told the secret of the ruby red slippers, and all I need to do now is click 3 times.  I am so ready to smile and be smiled at, ready to be welcomed home and I do not need to figure anything else out!
"Change"  Tracy Chapman

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