life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, November 16, 2016


I have, am and still going through a period of my life that is full of profound physical and emotional change.  There are times I attempt to “plug” my emotions into Elizabeth Kebler Ross’s stages of dying but it just never seemed to really work for me.  All I was able to correctly identify was that her stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance were recognizable, but they rarely came to me in that order and the damn things repeat!  Each and every time I get to acceptance and sigh….whew….I made it….The acceptance gets depressing, I revert to denial to relieve the depression and then become angry that I cannot get the doctors on board with my denial program.  The only bargaining I ever experienced was with the hospital bills and the insurance companies which was and continues to be a total loss from my point of view, so I just gave it up. In other words this model of dying may work for the short term diagnosis, but for the long term, in my opinion it has been a bust.  So having done this the way the academics and all of those who are not dying have told me it should be done….it is time for me to do this my way, without a model or advice but from my heart. An entire set of uncontrollable circumstances a.k.a. blessings have appeared in my life. It is time for my breakthrough, and I will not doubt it.  I am claiming them with strength and grace.
"You Live, You Lear" Alanis Morisette

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