My 2016 year of Artist’s Way classes are over with a mixed
feeling of joy and relief, but most endings are like that. I always learn more than I teach in these
classes, and that is one of the huge reasons I keep coming back year after year. This summer group came up with a term that
has resonated with me. She (and she knows who she is) calls it re-framing. 
It is done. I made a decision …..well to be honest, I think the decision
had been made years ago, but last year I caved into medical pressure and advice.
Hope and fear are influential bedfellows and when combined become a powerful convincing
weapon. Extreme measures were taken, surgeries
were planned and executed that gave everyone, and that includes me, the ability
to legitimately say, we tried everything! Or am I being incredibly naïve, could
it have been my “hope and fear” that created my willingness to try anything did
nothing more than generate a profit and relieve legal liability responsibilities
for the doctors and hospitals... I risked my future, my money and my life. They
risked nothing and generated a huge profit. Financially, physically, emotionally the
surgeries last year were the hardest thing I have ever done, and I cannot begin
to entertain the thought of going through that or anything like it again. I
stopped it before the hope and fear have a chance of enticing me into gambling
my entire future, economically and emotionally again. Yes it is scary and
uncomfortable and way outside my comfort zone!
I am still learning how to embrace my own thoughts
(insanity) I am just beginning to realize I am different and completely vulnerable. It maybe through that vulnerability that maybe I might find some of my own worth. But I struggle desperately with finding the
strength required to find and maintain my own self-worth, I am frustrated that I still need others
approval, or need them to want me. I
look through another’s eyes to find what is attractive in me.
I am moving forward by the seat of my pants (or lack there
of). 
"Girl" The Beatles
Days and weeks come and go….Some are better than others, but
I am thrilled that last week is over. Last week's doc appointments and test results broke me hard. Unlike most, I am welcoming Monday morning, a
new week-a new beginning. I may not get
to have a full “do over” but I am giving myself permission to look at this new
heart issue from a new point of view. Well actually the same issue, it is just
changing and creating new challenges and a new set of decisions.to make. Monday morning gives me a fresh week and the
promise of more time to come back “full of heartbreakingly beautiful scars”… You might want to stand back, just a bit,
because I can mend like a MF!
Each of us knows stories, have seen movies, read books about
how someone beat the odds and thrived, won the game, had a miraculous recovery,
found love, and achieved peace….Whatever good they wanted. Being passionate is the one magic ingredient
that is present in every successful scenario! 
Yesterday was a “come Jesus moment”…I have known, lived and
been party to the fact that heart failure is terminal, I even had what amounted
to a back room confession from a PA some time ago that my prognosis was about 6
years. Although I wanted to know how long, when I got it, it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, I am going to beat this! Yesterday, 2 months short of my 6 years, and after a year of absolute
hellish surgeries and long miserable recoveries, they suspect something is
going bad...again.... and have scheduled ugly tests.
It was like I was socked in the gut….hard… Now all I need to figure out
why “I HAVE to” keep doing this. 
Inner strength is one thing, and it is a great thing, but
there is another necessary part that really is best when mixed with it….and
that is the physical strength and ability to do what I want/need to do! I know most think I do a lot, but no one
really sees how much I sit in front of this computer or read or sit day
dreaming about art projects. Exhaustion is like a heavy black cape that just
covers me after the smallest activity.
Simple everyday life and house chores, which granted, I never enjoyed
doing now take so much longer and exhaust me I mean, really really wear me out. I am frustrated that I am working so hard to
find and hold on to my emotional inner strength while my physical strength is seems
to continue slipping away from me. I am afraid this is how this disease works…and I
HATE it! DAMN! ( or.... maybe it just the summer
heat!)  |
| Champagne Toast & Confetti |
Always an honor and so exciting to celebrate creativity of
the awesome Artist’s Way creatives that have been on a 12 week journey of
exploration and recovery. The last
minute preparations for Saturday’s opening are well under way. In years past I grieved about the “production”,
you know, hanging the art works, is there going to be enough food and wine, can
I find enough linens without wine or paint stains on them, will it rain, etc…etc…. The past couple of groups I have found myself
on my own creative journey and recovery right along with them. Not so much the facilitator as just part of
the group and a recovering creative.….putting my new hopes, dreams,
explorations out into the world for the first time. All of the sudden the worries about the “production”
is fading, but the nerves that erupt when I expose myself through the art work
are rampant!
All is well in “sparky” land! This is what is implanted in my chest….More
like a “hockey puck” in my left boob!
But it is working! Yesterday’s S-ICD
data download went very well! No “events”
….Pulse generator at 94% and NO adjustments!
My device is working just like it is supposed to! Does not get any better than that as far as I
am concerned! Me and my S-ICD are part of a clinical trial so all of
this gets sent to some unknown muckity-mucks as well as my round house of docs
and clinicians. I will get the official
report next week when all of “team” has a chance to look over all of the downloaded info and decide……what’s
next. This has become a fairly routine
(every 9 to 12 weeks) but the first time since this thing was implanted 7 months ago that there has not been some kind of glitch or
problem…technical or medical….Woo-Hoo …By George I think she’s got it!
Comparing movies with a friend and “The Bridges of Madison
County” was mentioned. I had not seen it,
I remember all of the talk about it sometime ago, but I never saw it, not even
on VHS or DVD. How did that happen? I looked up the year it came out….oh…. 1995. That explains it, two teenage boys, running my own business, a
barely there husband, testosterone was literally dripping off the walls.
I would not dare to bring a romance movie into the house. There was such an incident after I brought in “Steel
Magnolias” Then there was an out and out mutiny when I brought home “The
Princess Bride”. I had to swear within
an inch of my life that there were fights and swords, kings and trolls. I was exonerated. But I knew better than to even attempt
another romance movie and for years I didn’t.
Oh if I only could! It
seems like I am always looking for ways to let go of “what it should be” to jettison
all of those “prior rules”. The same
prior rules that have brought me great comfort have managed to also leave me
with an enduring pain and regret. I like
Bob Dylan’s idea, from now on I am defining nothing….
Every, every, every time I go into the studio, every time
before an opening, every time before beginning a new class, every time I show
my own work to anyone for the first time. I am petrified!
I would not put this on my FB page, Holy Crap, not after
last week, I would be crucified! BUT this is my blog, not as public as Face
Book… my place to spew, dump and celebrate without fear of retribution. Many have groused that it is technically difficult
to make comments on the posts and I should look into what that problem is. Nope…it is working just fine for me! 
Whew! Installations are great fun but oh my, they are getting more and more exhausting! Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the lugging, lifting and hanging but one thing for sure, I could not do it at all without the help of terrific creative help and support. I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing creatives.
