life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, August 29, 2016

Way Outside my Comfort zone! But loving, living and growing....

It is done.   I made a decision …..well to be honest, I think the decision had been made years ago, but last year I caved into medical pressure and advice. Hope and fear are influential bedfellows and when combined become a powerful convincing weapon.  Extreme measures were taken, surgeries were planned and executed that gave everyone, and that includes me, the ability to legitimately say, we tried everything! Or am I being incredibly na├»ve, could it have been my “hope and fear” that created my willingness to try anything did nothing more than generate a profit and relieve legal liability responsibilities for the doctors and hospitals... I risked my future, my money and my life. They risked nothing and generated a huge profit.  Financially, physically, emotionally the surgeries last year were the hardest thing I have ever done, and I cannot begin to entertain the thought of going through that or anything like it again. I stopped it before the hope and fear have a chance of enticing me into gambling my entire future, economically and emotionally again. Yes it is scary and uncomfortable and way outside my comfort zone!
"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"  Sarah McLachlan 

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