life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"


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Sunday, September 28, 2014

What on earth makes her think I do not get this!

The cardiologist ripped into me this week.  Her words exactly….”you are not taking this seriously” …. “Denial”…. “When are you going to understand, this is your life?”…”Does your family know how sick you are?”

Are you fucking kidding me?  What on earth makes her think I do not get this!  I asked her to tell me how she thinks I am going to die, then I will consider her way of how I should live (why should I take medications that make me sick…surgeries…etc…etc…)  Her answer was, "everyone dies differently, “I cannot tell you that.”  So  “Why is it so hard for her  to understand that I want to LIVE it differently?”

I really did not know how I am going to die, and perhaps it was unfair to make such a definitive statement.  Then I found this book in the second hand book store. It turthfully, clearly, frankly, told me what I can most likely expect (well actually, it is what all of us can expect) but NO ONE, especially the doctors want to talk about it.

When this day comes, (and it is not here yet!) it is going to be ugly...it is going to hurt but I will be able to do it better, knowing I have had the best, truly fun, with incredible outrageous experiences, marvelously full life I could possibly have had.

And I cannot do that if I am sick and scared all of time!

"Strip Me"  Natasha Bedingfieild

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