life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Sunday, September 28, 2014

What on earth makes her think I do not get this!

The cardiologist ripped into me this week.  Her words exactly….”you are not taking this seriously” …. “Denial”…. “When are you going to understand, this is your life?”…”Does your family know how sick you are?”

Are you fucking kidding me?  What on earth makes her think I do not get this!  I asked her to tell me how she thinks I am going to die, then I will consider her way of how I should live (why should I take medications that make me sick…surgeries…etc…etc…)  Her answer was, "everyone dies differently, “I cannot tell you that.”  So  “Why is it so hard for her  to understand that I want to LIVE it differently?”

I really did not know how I am going to die, and perhaps it was unfair to make such a definitive statement.  Then I found this book in the second hand book store. It turthfully, clearly, frankly, told me what I can most likely expect (well actually, it is what all of us can expect) but NO ONE, especially the doctors want to talk about it.

When this day comes, (and it is not here yet!) it is going to be is going to hurt but I will be able to do it better, knowing I have had the best, truly fun, with incredible outrageous experiences, marvelously full life I could possibly have had.

And I cannot do that if I am sick and scared all of time!

"Strip Me"  Natasha Bedingfieild

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