“Being” is hard. When my feelings and struggles in life go against what others feel, it becomes controversial, non-compliant, argumentative even bully-ish. It is so much easier to just agree. Everyone would like me. I would be much less vulnerable but it would be a fear filled version of me, fear of not being liked, fear of not being right, fear of hurting others feelings, fear of being different, fear of living and fear of dying. It would be me continuing the life I no longer want.
There is a very good chance I am wrong, but I am desperate enough to be willing to suffer the consequences of that possibility. I have lived emotionally alone and afraid most of my life. Fear was the emotion that propelled all of my decisions. Decisions were never about what was good or right for me, but what was good for others,and what made me seem good and right to others. There may have been and still might be lots of times where fear and what is good for me are the same. But I do not know how to tell the difference between the two. It is the pain of beginning to make authentic decisions.
"Breaking Silence" Janis Ian