life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, October 17, 2016

Authentic decisions...

“Being” is hard.  When my feelings and struggles in life go against what others feel, it becomes controversial, non-compliant, argumentative even bully-ish.  It is so much easier to just agree.  Everyone would like me. I would be much less vulnerable but it would be a fear filled version of me, fear of not being liked, fear of not being right, fear of hurting others feelings, fear of being different, fear of living and fear of dying. It would be me continuing the life I no longer want.  

There is a very good chance I am wrong, but I am desperate enough to be willing to suffer the consequences of that possibility. I have lived emotionally alone and afraid most of my life.  Fear was the emotion that propelled all of my decisions.  Decisions were never about what was good or right for me, but  what was good for others,and what made me seem good and right to others.  There may have been and still might be lots of times where fear and what is good for me are the same. But I do not know how to tell the difference between the two.  It is the pain of beginning to make authentic decisions.
"Breaking Silence"  Janis Ian

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