life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

a woman of strength....

I have always known in some areas of my life I am and have been a strong woman, I had to be, to create the "stay inside the lines" "Leave it to Beaver" family, it was my job to make the world believe that it was what we were..  I had to be strong, it was not a choice.  When I married I had the fairy tale vision of “happily ever after family” I had no idea of what it would turn into. I never would have chosen a life of married, make believe loneliness.  I had to be much stronger than many other married women I knew just  to survive and for the most part surviving was marginal. Maybe all of the loneliness and the times I was left alone to raise my family, work, manage the the house, repairs, cars and kids activities was in preparation for where I am now.  Now I am a woman of strength, loneliness and make believe and again I have had to be strong.  I am going through this most difficult part of my life alone.  Each day of this journey is harder and harder and I become stronger and stronger. I am not complaining, without this strength I do not think I would have made it this far, but sometimes, just every once and a while, it would be wonderful if it did not have to be.

"No Such Thing"  John Mayer

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