life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

a woman of strength....

I have always known in some areas of my life I am and have been a strong woman, I had to be, to create the "stay inside the lines" "Leave it to Beaver" family, it was my job to make the world believe that it was what we were..  I had to be strong, it was not a choice.  When I married I had the fairy tale vision of “happily ever after family” I had no idea of what it would turn into. I never would have chosen a life of married, make believe loneliness.  I had to be much stronger than many other married women I knew just  to survive and for the most part surviving was marginal. Maybe all of the loneliness and the times I was left alone to raise my family, work, manage the the house, repairs, cars and kids activities was in preparation for where I am now.  Now I am a woman of strength, loneliness and make believe and again I have had to be strong.  I am going through this most difficult part of my life alone.  Each day of this journey is harder and harder and I become stronger and stronger. I am not complaining, without this strength I do not think I would have made it this far, but sometimes, just every once and a while, it would be wonderful if it did not have to be.

"No Such Thing"  John Mayer

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