life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

and those who were seen dancing....

I have never regretted choosing the only life I know how to live.  It took me years to finally find and claim my passion, creating, breaking rules, sharing, and pursuing a life that most will never understand.  It is what I am meant to do, where I thrive, where I love.  But when I hurt, tired and do not feel well, my strength wavers and I become frightened.  “Alone” turns into “lonely” and I begin to buy into most people’s idea that lonely is an unhealthy bad thing.  Fear, desperation and loneliness seep into my life and I think there will be some comfort in pushing myself back into the rules of the “acceptable person” box.  That  giving up who I am to follow others rules will make me more acceptable, others will like me and it will fix the loneliness.  It never does… if anything it makes everything worse!  It brings back all of those I am not good enough feelings of childhood. 

In my creative life I am alone, and it is a good thing, it is where I create, and it is my reality. Loneliness and alone are very different.  Lonely is desperate, sad and dangerous.  Lonely makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough, and I do not fit in. But in my creative world alone is empowering.  Alone I have no other’s idea of me that I need to live up to.  Alone is where I hear the music and can dance.
"Life I Know"  India Arie

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