This is not an “OH POOR ME”…although I will admit I am
really good at that! It seems to be turning
in to a confession to myself about why all of those wonderful class “inner
child” talks, suggestions, exercises never ever worked. Actually, they were
horribly depressing, there was nothing in my childhood that felt loved,
supported, good or freeing. Rather than admitting that to me or anyone else, I would
just smile and BS my way through the discussion and then walk away from
it. This morning this unedited quote popped
up on FB…and without anyone here to even see, I began the “knee-jerk” smile and
walk away performance to cover my real feelings and theatrically produce the
appropriate emotions. There is
absolutely nothing in my childhood that I loved, not dancing, flowers or fireworks. There were, however, several unsuccessful
suicide attempts. Never any counseling,
just parental punishment for doing such a stupid thing, then threats that if I
told, everyone would know it was my selfish way of getting attention that did
not work. If others found out they would think I am crazy. I was
shamed and told I would never have any friends or boyfriends if I told anyone…I
never told…
That is not what I want to “call back” to enrich my life. I am learning that through music, more
listening than playing (but doing that too) I do not have to bring up old
memories and pretend they were good, they were not! I know trying to forget
them still does not make them go away. BUT… I can make new ones…happy ones…loving
ones…and I think that will serve me well!
"Just Like a Woman" Eric Bibb
3 things
...Living in the past will not help the future
...accept that it happened and it made me stronger
...admit it and then let it go, when you can
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