I found my magic in the aloneness…

Some people want to call any woman that does not fit in with the social norms a “wild woman”.  I guess that makes them feel better.  I think they want to like wild women, but it scares them.  Maybe they are not ready to let go of the rules. But it has been my experience that letting go is the only way to live a wonderful life, even though I personally have been a bit late arriving at this truth. I have learned to listen to what speaks to my soul.  I know that I have to be smart enough to know and find what I need.  I have to be strong enough to know I need to do this alone. And finally brave enough to trust that God, the Universe or Source (One…all 3…or maybe something none of us have ever been able to imagine yet) will guide me. Historically and religiously we have all been taught and told we had to be part of a tribe for safety and security.   I have no doubt that there is a marvelous advantage of like minded close-knit groups of friends and family.  What they neglected to teach us is that in birth, death and many other important critical moments of life happens in our aloneness. If being alone is uncomfortable it allows the seeds of doubt to take root and turns important life moments into frightening and painful occurrences. What makes big life events so scary is there is no choice, the outcome is unknown and we have to do them alone.  I think I found my magic when I learned this…I know this in the deepest part of me. I know in my heart that the alone times are intended to be powerful spiritual encounters.  Alone is how they are intended to be experienced.  I celebrate and dance in the aloneness of a full moon every month. Alone does not mean I am depressed or not loved…alone is my opportunity to be bright… and beautiful… and strong just like the full moon… it is how I am reminded to celebrate my life!

"Moon Dance" Van Morrison

One of my favorite writer, poet, musician creative!!!

During a recent conversation at the Boston Book Festival, the wise and wonderful Amanda Palmer spoke about the harrowing experience of watching her best friend die and reflected: 

“Everyone in this room is going to be gone pretty quickly — and we will have either made something or not made something. The artists that inspire me are the ones that I look at and go, ‘Oh my god — you didn’t have to go there. It would’v been safer not to — but, for whatever reason, you did.’ And every time death happens, I’m reminded that it’s stupid to be safe… Usually, whatever that is — wherever you don’t want to go, whatever that risk is, wherever the unsafe place is — that really is the gift that you have to give.”

"In My Mind"  Amanda Palmer

Has Jesus been jetisoned?

I am done with most white evangelicals.  I am just done...I do not understand and I can no longer tolerate the hypocrisy, inconsistency,  selective mercy and veiled supremacy!

Recently, evangelical leaders and entire congregations have publically and literally given a “mulligan” to a white 3 time married Republican President so riddled with depravity, littered with extramarital affairs, unapologetically vile, with the crude behavior of a schoolyard bully and a vast resume of legal and moral filth. There has been no sign of apology or repentance and most of our Republican senators and representatives have silently lined up behind this behavior to achieve their political agenda. It boggles my mind!

Where did the Christian tenet of salvation through Christ by earnestly repenting, accepting forgiveness and sin no more become obsolete?  What happened to  "If your brother sins, rebuke him; if he repents forgive him." (Luke 17:3) or "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me".  All of the sudden those pesky parts of Christianity are absent when personal political interests are at stake!   Has Jesus been jettisoned?

The willingness to align politics and religion is a pricey marriage. Compromising religion to justify a truly corrupt, self-righteous and unrepentant man is dangerous.  Evangelicals….you might have gained a Supreme Court seat but you have lost so much more.

It is my hope that this Easter weekend, wise, decent, good-hearted, faithful people can truly see the cruelty, lies and the ugliness of this person and honestly with an open heart reexamine the faith they hold dear. 

And all of this rant is from a certified agnostic...why aren't the Christians outraged!

"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

Kintsugi THIS!!!!

Kintsugi is what it is officially called.  So if scars and flaws are what make me unique….all I can tell you is that I am really really really unique. I have had 14 major surgeries.  Kidneys x7, lady parts x2, caesarian sections (yep I am counting them!) x2, Thyroid x1, Open heart x1, SICD implant x1.  Hold on…need to do the math again….yep 14 of them and the scars to show for them…but there is no gold and I promise there is no beauty either.  There are times I am so ashamed of them…so big…so ugly…so many.  So… it is easy to see why the Kinsugi philosophy appeals to me, even if there is no real gold.  I have fought long and hard most of my life just to be alive and no one will ever understand the guilt of the financial burden I have put on my family. For the most I am incredibly grateful, other times I am just friggen’ tired!

"Better Off Now"  Trent Dabbs

So....Can I be a half badass?

So…maybe I am a “wanna be” badass!  Willing to write all of my feelings down, but not really
sure I want everyone to read them.  I am just now figuring out what my own heart is about.  I am scared to death to open myself up to vulnerability.  Afraid it would be so easy for someone to swoop in and undo everything I have figured out so far….so can I be a half badass?


"Hold On, I'm Coming"  Same and Dave

Until I pointed it out!

They got my name backward!  And…. I can raise hell, crab and bitch.  But….I cannot change it… my only choice is how I react. It is the only thing I have control over.  For a control freak…I tend to hold on to that one with absolute, intense sincerity!  So the question always becomes, when to let go and when to stand up or enforce my boundaries.  For all of the years I have donated and taught there at Casselberry, I thought they would know my name…so I think my feelings should be really hurt and a bit more offended than regular!  But what does it get me?  They will not reprint the poster.  I think what I have learned is that my expectations of having a little more attention in exchange for the time I have given them did not exist.  And NO, it does not work like that.  The lesson is…if I donate something even my time, I cannot expect anything in return. It was my decision to donate. The joy has to be in the act of giving, NOT in expected returns.  And the reality is…the font is so small, I bet I am the only one that noticed!

...until I pointed it out!

"No Such Thing"  John Mayer

Not my words, but it is time for me to embrace them!

'I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:

I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''      Author: Brené Brown

"Bruised not Broken"  Joss Stone

Several years ago I began going to a "Gifts of Imperfection"  book group and was so traumatized by the act of being vulnerable, that I dropped out after 2 or 3 meetings...I was able to hide my fear for a while but knew I would soon be exposed...and I left.  I left rather than letting anyone know how truly confused and vulnerable I was.

Or is it just plain selfish from another point of view?

That is a question I never thought to ask myself….Once you do the “until death do we part”  I think I assumed if I loved something…I was obliged to love it until… it…they…or I was dead.  I promise no one has ever asked me the question “Do you still love……?”  It is expected that all love is perfectly steady, never wanes and lasts forever.  But what if it is ok if it doesn’t?  What if love changes?  What if love expands to include more, or diminishes to become more focused?  What if my love of creativity becomes more about me and less about them?  How profound would that be?? Or is it just plain selfish from another point of view?

"Me"  Paula Cole

but I might decide to do it again....anyway!

Ok…ok…ok…but….

Don’t you need to understand the negative situation thoroughly so you know what to avoid in the future?  Maybe I do spend too much time, giving negative people and situations my attention.  But I want to consume the entire experience; I want to understand what if any part I had in provoking the situation, particularly if I plan on doing it again!  There are some things in my past I can never change and some were my fault.  I have wondered if emotionally dragging them around my entire life may be why my physical heart is so sick…so, I am not going to hold on any more…I will look at it…make a decision…and move on…But beware, I might decide it is worth doing it again….even if you don’t like it!

  "Give Peace A Chance" John Lennon

and....STILL working on it!

Somewhere between trying to figure out how I feel and what others think I should (or should not) feel there must be some kind of comfortable REAL!  There is a great swath of people that when they see who and what I am, are nicely complementary, tell me that they wish they could do what I do, and then they quietly back up and fade away.  Then there are others that see me and just out and out disapprove because I do not fit into what they think I should be…but in truth…I think most of them really just do not care.  Their mission is to make their own lives as comfortable as possible.  If anything about me is different, strange or challenging what they believe to be true then they either speak up to change me, or they walk away.  I just have to keep reminding my soul that I am not freakish or screwed up….I am just me and I am still working on it!

"Higher Ground"  Stevie Wonder

"Worthless Slug Syndrome" Cure

So here is a new/old revelation!  I have kind of applied this toward my art and studio for a long time.  It is Sark’s idea and she called them micro-movements!   I think I may have mentioned at least 47 times before in this blog how utterly frustrating it is to have this body “crap” out and just refuse to do what I want it to do.  It has become a huge source of frustration and wrenching depression! Why has it taken me so long to figure out that I can apply this to my everyday life?  The last couple of days, I realized I could apply micro-movements to all of my real life not just in the studio…. note: not because I planned it that way, it just happened. Although slow, I have accomplished some things, moving in the right direction, regardless of how much progress is made…as long as there is some progress… and it feels so so good. Feels like I am able to fight off the “worthless slug syndrome”.

           "Heart of a Hero"  Kathy Heller

A Control Freak...

Some of the most meaningful quotes seem so remarkably clear and evident that my first response is usually…" I need to do this….

DUH…who doesn’t know that!” BUT…when the time comes to apply it…it really gets tricky.

This is one of those that has always touched my heart, but I have a dickens of a time trying to figure out “when the time comes”!  How am I going to know when the time comes?  Has it already come?  There are times that I feel there has already been a “letting go”.  I really do not get upset about many of the things that I used to feel so adamant about.  I often wonder if this is about some of the natural progression of life, or is it that I have finally realized that what I think, what I want is only important to me.  I cannot depend on others to feel like I do…if I want it, if it is important to me..but then I have always been 

accused of being a control freak!

"No Time"  Guess Who

Convincing you or me?

What most people do not understand about long-term chronic illness…is how much energy I spend convincing you that I am fine!  I know how uncomfortable you are around me.  I watch awkward reactions from friends and family that are unsure how to acknowledge or ignore this illness that is now a part of me. Being out in public or being around you does require some pretty impressive acting skills and some of us are better at it than others. The obligations as a parent, Nana, wife, artist or just a plain person that I never had to think about before now require serious examination of the amount of energy I really have as opposed to the amount of energy I think I should have. I am not sure where I fall on the performance scale or how believable I am but I think it is pretty good, you all tell me how great I look, even when there is an o2 tube poked up my nose…I find myself immersed in a chronic series of performances and I am never sure if the performance is to convince you or to convince me.

"A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You"  Monkees

Wrong Doing????

I have been around awhile….(ok, no tacky age comments please!) but I have never seen the amount of Evangelical, Charismatic and other Christians oblivious to resounding wrong, as I do now.  In an act of total disclosure, I was raised Episcopalian/Catholic and have never truly understood the evangelical or the charismatic movement. I do now have to wonder why so many of these faiths are irrationally upholding the validity of a man that lies, cheats, bullies, belittles, threatens and then pays off people to keep quiet? I have yet to discover any religious teachings that find this acceptable.  It has been my experience that all varieties of Christians have typically been committed to the archetypal biblical interpretation of forgiveness. As I recall from my old and current New Testament biblical studies, a condition of forgiveness is a penitent acknowledgment of the wrong/sin and a sincere effort to change and go sin no more.  When neither of these situations is evident why would anyone forgive and continue to defend, support and uphold such a person?  I support everyone’s right to practice their own religion, but I sincerely question and do not understand how religion is now being manipulated to rationalize unquestionable wrong doing.  

"Ave Maria"  Guy Farley

No One tells you about this part!

No kidding...NO ONE ...I mean NO ONE ever explains in detail about the parts between what does not kill you makes you stronger!  There should be some magic wand that I could wave and skip all of the cranky, pissed off, and grumpy before I get to stronger.  It just does not seem to happen like that!  I mean there are periods of wonderful enlightenment and strength but it is always followed by some degree of nefarious negative!  I mean the cruelest, most frustrating and damaging negative thoughts you could possibly imagine.  It is almost like bi-polar manic depression…and it sucks!  Sometimes I just need to retreat, lick my wounds and rebuild my strength (and that usually comes with creating)...over and over and over again!

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

I am OK with NOT knowing

It has taken years and years of being afraid I will be judged by the Christians in my life, but finally, I have nothing to lose, it is not about being judged and rewarded or punished.  It is about being honest with me.

I am “AGNOSTIC”. 

Wikipedia says agnostic means you believe  "the truth values of certain claims — especially metaphysical and religious claims such as whether or not God, the divine or the supernatural exists are unknown and perhaps unknowable.” Gnosis is from the Greek word knowing; agnostic is simply a state of not knowing.   It's a belief system that, according to a recent survey, is held by up to 23 percent of Americans. (Although, the survey also grouped atheists with agnostics, so that number may actually be a bit lower.)

Being agnostic does not mean I hate religion. In fact, many agnostics (like me) were raised Christian, and still consider themselves “culturally religious”. I do not reject religion as the one true way to a heaven; I’m just not convinced there is a heaven, hell, the underworld, purgatory, or aliens, ancient or otherwise. Everlasting life does seem to be the main objective of most religion. Leading a good life by the prescribed rules buys you a divine happily ever life after death.  Breaking the rules means there will be horror and pain after you die.  It is a simple reward/punish system that requires suspending belief in scientific laws. If or when I do good, it is simply because I love and it feels good to do so, not because there is a reward or punishment waiting for me after death.

“Occam’s Razor” is a scientific theory of dealing with problems with multiple and equal answers, makes sense to me.  It is the problem-solving principle that, when presented with competing hypothetical answers to a question, the simplest explanation that makes the fewest assumptions is typically the correct one.  I have observed that most religions are laden with stories of magic, the supernatural and other claims have scientifically been proven could not have existed then or now. I have also always been personally traumatized by the amount of heinous brutality committed in the name of organized religion with the purpose of promoting love. I will acknowledge that organized religion has inspired some of our greatest historical figures and some of the most giving, loving, kind people I know. But it has also provoked some of the most hateful, intolerant, hypocrites too.

I freely choose agnosticism; it frees me to think that anything concerning the spiritual, the sciences or the metaphysical is possible. Being agnostic means I can, and do question everything, and I am willing to listen to other intelligent opinions as well as my own heart and soul, to do the work and research to find out why I do or do not choose to believe.  It means I can question, be completely open to and genuinely value every spiritual belief system. It means that when I or other agnostics do something kind or good, we are doing it from our hearts, not because of the expectations of reward or punishment in the afterlife. 

Being agnostic brings me peace. I'm perfectly comfortable not knowing, or even thinking I'm capable of knowing all the answers to all the endless questions.  The fact is I think it would be pretty arrogant to assume that I or anyone else for that matter could ever know with total certainty that there is or isn't one or many divine beings out there calling all of the shots in the universe. Not knowing does not bother me.  I can accept the concept that all beliefs about life and death are based on unimaginable uncertainty. 

I am agnostic, the only mystical thing I believe in without question…is love.

"All That We Let In"  Indigo Girls

Maybe not brave enough....

I could not imagine anything more wonderful than being selected to show my work among 52 other of the most creative women in Central Florida at the Osceola Art Center’s “Creativa” (Woman Made Art)  Exhibition…and then this happened!  Thank you so much for such an amazing honor!  Magic still happens!

It is a gift from the Universe  (and Osceola Art Center) when I am rewarded for pushing through fear, continuing to do what I am here to do, and that does not just mean creating, but being brave enough to keep putting it out there.  This is why I am here! Brave enough to work, Brave enough to show...Brave enough to be seen....but I did snatch ut the O2 tube off of my face before the picture and crop out the walker...so maybe not ready to be seen with all of my weaknesses.

"She is Not Afraid"  One Direction

Just "rambling"

I seemed to be somewhat blessed with words, but here is the thing….Are they the right words?  The more difficult the concept, the more words I write and I do tend to go on and on about nothing!  The quotes are rarely mine, and for the most part, credited to their author when the picture that I posted has that info, but sometimes it doesn’t…sometimes I will legitimately look for the author but sometimes not…I just needed a prompt and that day… that quote picture moved me for some reason…that part is simple! Sorry about that!  To all of the “real” writers with “real” words please accept my apologies.   I never called this “writing” it really is “just rambling” and for the most part, it is simple.  Thank you, Jack for reminding me….be simple.

"They Know"  Eric Bib

When someone else says it so much better...

all I can do is copy paste and share...this is just perfect!  

                                                                                             IT IS PLENTY!

"Lay Down"  Melanie

Forgiving is not Forgetting...

Forgiving is not forgetting,

it is remembering without anger. 

I will never forget, 

forgetting would mean that I did not learn the lesson, that I am leaving myself wide open and even asking for the same painful experience over and over and over again.  

I will forgive, 

but please, never ever ask me to forget.
.

"Forgiveness"  Matthew West

I expect courtesy!

This makes twice in 3 days, I have felt like I needed to stand up and defend myself for what I feel is right and truthful for me.  The Universe is really teaching me how strong I am going to have to be. So, for those that have been so aggressive toward my opinions, I thank you for the lesson and opportunity to dig deep and find my own strength without hurt or anger.  I do not need to accept or believe what the majority or religion says to be a good person.  I am a good person.  I am allowed to have my own thoughts and opinions.  I will be honest, kind and respectful towards others. And I expect the same courtesy to be afforded to me, always!

"Haven't Got Time for the Pain" Carly Simon

PS...I find it more than interesting that each of the evangelical or sarcastic comments made about my political observation were made by men in defense of another man whose public treatment of women is intolerable.  I wonder if they felt waving a Bible or publicly embarrassing me would keep me, a woman from her feelings, her own heart, her beliefs, and her own political observations and opinions.  

Just because...it feels good!

Yup...it is a video...but it is worth the wait for it to load!

What I am....

Maybe it was just one of those weekends….Maybe it was the run-in with the healer/accupunturer/chiroprator/snake oil salesman…or maybe it was just time…this past weekend beat me up emotionally and I am so happy to see the structure of the week and Monday begin.  I know that must sound ridiculous for most, but after so many years of a traditional business week, there is some unexplainable feeling of structure and some mysterious power that comes with Mondays…when I had a M thru F job I hated Mondays…but now there is something quite comfortable in the feeling of starting again, fresh and new!  Welcome new week. I need to breathe in and remember who and what I am in the world.

"What I am"  Eddie Brickelle

Red Flags!

Yesterday I had an appointment with an acupuncture physician.  My hopes were to find an alternative and somewhat familiar way to deal with some of the physical and emotional changes I am going through.  I thought that was a reasonable request…perhaps not.  The first thing was a diagnostic test to determine my problems.  I was to place my hand on a “cradle” of sorts that was connected to a computer screen.  Then the chiropractor, acupuncturist, disabled veteran, monk (no kidding he said he was a monk), gunshot wound, cancer/HIV survivor walks up introduces himself and begins looking and the print out on the screen.  Never opened my folder, never looked at my history and never asked me why I was there.  RED FLAG!

Oh did I mention that not only did the “hand computer diagnosis” determine which of my organs were not working at peak efficiency because of vitamin and mineral starvation ( now may be a good time to interject that 2 of the organs were reported as working within normal ranges… I no longer have.  No indication of heart failure or evidence of my implanted defibrillator)  but the “Hand computer diagnosis”… told him which of my vertebrae were out of alignment.  Less than 3 minutes into the “hand computer diagnosis” he began the natural supplements sales pitch. In addition the sale of supplements I also needed weekly chiropractic adjustment as well as regular acupuncture. He still had not asked what I wanted or why I was there.  RED FLAG is now waving violently.

I am now frustrated…here is another “medical” person whose primary purpose clearly has nothing to do with what I want or how I feel….but about how much I was fiscally worth to him…his bottom line.  He offered many times to discount his services…because he was a monk.  He claimed, more than once that he could make me better…he could “heal” me.  I respectfully declined the vitamin supplements and the chiropractic services and asked to proceed with the pre-paid acupuncture session.  As I lay quietly with the 10 needles placed in me, instead of relaxing and allowing the chi to flow, my mind went into high gear.  And this is what I figured out…

I value myself and how I feel…and he is not going to bully or shame me. I decided that perhaps he did not understand me, or maybe he never had a patient like me and before I get overly defensive and angry I will initiate one more conversation.  When the needles were removed I sat and said…”I understand your focus is on living well, but my focus for the time, is on dying well, perhaps we have something to learn from each other.” He said I needed to trust him and his methods.   He asked me to follow him into his office and offered another chiropractic discount that I declined, then picked up a Publix water bottle that he claims he had personally infused with his own special vitamins and minerals and that I need a month’s supply of.  I kindly raised my hand and said “no thank you, you are not listening to me” and I left his office.

"No"  Meghan Trainor

Caught in a picture.

For the past 5 years, the month of March meant Leesburg Art Festival.  I never intended for it to be, it just became.  Looking back I cannot tell you if it was a good thing or a bad thing….It just was.  It began in the way back in the 80’s and after 2 shows there, I knew this is not going to ever be a selling show and I never did it again until 2013, when I was asked to be the poster artist.  After several years of being off the art show circuit, I dusted off the tent and went back out on the streets.  Although there were sales, it was not enough to call me back as an artist but I did go back…as a creative facilitator, served on the Board of Directors, I helped with the “Patron Program”, I coached emerging artists program, and I did “Walk with the Expert” (it is too complicated to explain) but I remained a part of it.  This is the first year that I am not a part of it and it is a bit strange and liberating at the first time. Sometimes you get accidentally caught in a picture. I do not regret the “giving” I do regret the running away from me and my own work.  I got caught in my own picture of what I thought a good, successful, popular artist should be and quit being the artist that I am.

"I Don't Want to Wait"  Paula Cole

Writing on the wall...

For years, the chalkboard paint on the studio door gave me a place to post important dates, schedules anything that would help me stay focused and organized.   And for the record…it never really did much good, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.  For the past few years, it has spent most of the time blank…not much of a schedule to keep…and exhibit every now and again…but that is about it.  The last few days I have found a need to write on it again, but not important dates but important questions and lessons.  I think I like this much better.

"So Much to Say"  Dave Matthews Band

Welcoming the wild thing!

My “wild thing” gets close to the surface, typically around the full moon.  I love how that happens.  But this time instead of just opening my arms and welcoming it…I want to figure out how to keep more of it.  How do I embrace the moon and really let go of what other people think of me or my work?  How do I honor my life like this all of the time, because if I don’t, who else will?  When it gets really hard, and I do know and accept that it will…It will be all on me…I know that those that love me will want to help, and I truly appreciate that they will try… but the truth is this is…I have to do this alone, and when everyone else’s time comes…they will too. I need to practice….practice…practice…living and loving and dancing and celebrating like a wild thing!

"Wild Thing"  Troggs

I think it is the full moon that did ti!

Full Moon day….I love full moon days…Some part of me…some undefinable enduring part of me is mysteriously attached to the cycle of the moon…and the glorious full moon is dependably filled with feelings of energy, mystery and ecstasy.  Anything, any event, any feeling that shows up during the full moon is always filled with more intensity and meaning.  I know the moon will never let me down; it always arrives specifically when expected, month after month…year after year.  I do not allow myself any expectations but this one.  This journey has been learning how to not have expectations of anyone or anything…this part of life has to be done alone and often in the dark. But that glorious moon is the only part of my life that is predictable and dependable.  So I should not be at all surprised when Ed…(the hospice nurse)  said the fluid  in my lungs seems to have gone after a week of additional meds…I really did not have the heart to tell him ….the meds were good but I think it was the full moon that did it!

"Dancing in the Moonlight"  King Harvest

Or my favorite brother-in-law stops by with orchids to just say hello!  Oh my what a spectacular full moon day! How lucky could I get?  Thank you Larry and Adrianne!