The Bad Place

Why am I so quick to go straight to the bad place? 

Every time things do not go as I expect them to, 

my brain will “go to the bad place” 

and begin unpacking  the worst case scenarios. 

They are always negative.
I am not good enough...
do not do enough, am not smart enough,
forgot, said too much, did not speak up
am not young enough, do not make enough money, 

not skinny enough. 

the list of bad places could fill this page.

Why do I go there?

This time......I am going to another place!

"Everyone's Gone to the Moon"  Chad & Jeremy

Nobody ever told me

I have had a life full of being told 

how to

what to

and when to

No one ever told me to 

Just be who I am.

To look into my own heart

do and follow my own dreams.

Nobody ever told me

Just be who you are!

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

Chaos

I am watching chaos dance around my life, not in my life, but all around me. I find myself dodging chaos at all costs and I begin to question whether or not chaos is just a part of life. Is there some connection between chaos and passion. Could it be unbridled passion creates the chaos and/or does it feed the other way also, does the chaos ignite unbridled passion.

Am I doing myself any favors by avoiding chaos at all costs?


"Just Dropped In"  Kenny Rogers and the 1st Edition

NOT Stopping!

hmmmm...I hear this question a lot...

and my answer is

I do not know what the hell I am doing...
But I am not stopping!

                                            "Pata Pata"  Miriam Makeba"

Day #1 Year #5

a fighter

dancing through the fire...

turn it way up!

I am Making Progress!

There can be no doubt that I am making amazing progress, because I am making colossal new mistakes!

I try so very hard to NOT let my heart take the lead in my life…but it sneaks up on me and when I least suspect it
oooooooosh……NEW MISTAKE….
 I wish life came with operating instructions!


"Reflections"  The Marmelade

What Does Bohemian Mean?

I wish it made more sense!

But I would not count on it!  

If it does not speak to our hearts and passions, there is a good chance we cannot-will not behave in ways that are expected.

Fear, everyone is doing it, or those are the rules, will never be a good reason to perform, conform, change our minds or agree.

What you can expect and count on from me or any other self-confessed Bohemian is complete focus and dedication to an ideal, concept,  person, organization,  etc. etc. that touches our hearts.

We operate from the heart and in all likelihood will be the most authentic, honest, trustworthy people you will ever know.

Celebrate the Bohemian in yourself and others!

                                           "I'm Free"  Soup Dragons

Happy Heart.....4 year Anniversary!

Every October while everyone else is promoting pink for breast cancer,

I celebrate RED.... for my heart!

Four years ago this week I began the most incredible journey of my life.  A massive heart attack, an aortic pump, a stent and a week in intensive cardiac care left me with significant left ventricle heart damage. Alive... it was an ugly life wake up call.

The first year I spent in denial, chasing cures, stem cell trials, and surgical options. I was willing to take any chances to fix my broken heart and get my life back. I finally gave up when the high risk thoracic surgeon at Shands said that the surgery could be life threatening. My arteries would most likely not hold the grafts, restarting my damaged heart after by-pass could be difficult leaving LVAD as my only option for heart function. The best possible outcome, was not worth the risk.

The second year I was alone, unfixable, angry and still in shock. I was not prepared for any of this and I refused to accept it. I was mad, felt sorry for myself, whined and cried a lot! (and as it turns out, I am really really good at bitching, whining and crying!)  Seven magnificent creative "VoG" women stood with me and held me up when I did not have the emotional or physical strength to do it on my own.

The third year I realized I was still here, still alive. I began creating and writing again. I realized I was wasting my precious time and aggressively began the war to take my life back. My creative heart led the charge.

And this, the fourth most glorious year,  I am learning how to embrace compromise and work around the physical difficulties. I can still love, laugh, create and celebrate my life.  

I cannot wait for my fifth year to begin.  I have so much more to do, to experience, to create, to live, to love and to learn.

Happy Anniversary to my most amazing heart, that against the odds continues to support me and the life I love every day....every day!

                                                                                  Now....I live every day! Now....I love every day!

  

     "Every Day" Dave Matthews Band

Sometimes I am Terrified

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each one of us has cause to think and 
have deep gratitude to those who have lit the flame within us.

On an early full moon morning I finally screwed up my courage
and allowed myself to be weak, 

admitting that
I need,
I want
 I love. 

I can write it here, without fear,
but I am still afraid to ask,
 and honestly tell another person 

how and what I feel.

                                                       I do not regret exposing myself, 
                                         but I am still afraid that openly expressing my feelings
                                                  will compromise how others see me and  
                                                          undermine my own strength. 

"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"  India Arie

Full Moon Dance

"under the cover of October skies"

   
"Moon Dance"  Van Morrison

Tequila & Tiaras

There are very few people that can claim a best friend for life....So how lucky am I to have Terry!  We do not know the exact date we met, but will agree we were 4 to 5 years old.  Through nursery school, kindergarten, and some of elementary school.  We were separated by divorced parents, but in high school we both found ourselves back in Leesburg.

We have survived, husbands, children, and the deaths of parents and grandparents....and still we are here and still best friends!

And on easy fall evenings, in Nanny's kitchen, (and I am sure she was watching and shaking her head at us) a magnificent mess of margaritas were made.  We toasted our lives, our friends, those we have lost, those that are still here and a serious case of the silly giggles set in when we realized how lucky we truly are....and that is what best freinds are for!


"Tequila" The Champs

Too Old for School

Finally finishing my last semester of college.  I groused at my son when he was in college on the 6-year plan, never considering that one day I might be in the same position, but this time it is more like the 30-year plan.  Having a college degree has always been a lifelong dream of mine, but life, work, marriage, and child rearing consumed me, there was just never any time.

The children are grown, life took a dramatic change and I have had the marvelous opportunity to actively pursue that dream, but every flipping semester about mid-term I find myself sitting in front of piles of books, exams and term papers asking myself, “What the hell are you doing?  You are too old to be in school!”

         "Wonderful World"  Sam Cooke

Wild Wand Waving…

Do you believe in magic??
Got a Monday morning working here….
and needing all the wild wand waving I can get. A fairy godmother (a far cry from my ballerina days) and a magic wand will do the trick!

School work...

wand and pooooooof it disappears!

Laundry…

wand and poooooooof folded and put away!

Friend having medical tests...

wand and poooooof the results are perfect!

You getting the idea???? 

This wand waving stuff, could really catch on!

If you believe in magic, come along with me... We'll dance until mornin' 
'til there's just you and me
                                                                                                                                                        

Magic!                                                               "Do You Believe in Magic?" Loving Spoonful

Big Ass Canvas.....still scares me

Big ass canvas coming..... 60" by 40" .....and it is fighting me the whole way. Struggling with proportion like a crazy woman. Although yesterday I took it off the easel turned it lengthwise standing on the floor and all of the sudden several issues resolved themselves. If you are familiar with Betty Edwards' Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain you will understand exactly why that made such a difference! Why didn't I think of this earlier!!!

For the first time in more time than I can remember, I am painting, NOT on a deadline and it is wonderful. Each creative discovery is an act of faith, every artistic resolution is a celebration!

Although there is a major amount of fear that lurks every time I pick up the brush, pushing through it continues to be empowering. She and I have a long, long, long way to go!

                                                                                                                                                                                      "Woman" John Lennon

Believe

                                                                  
                                                                            "There is a Mountain"  Donovan

Hakuna Matata

Means no worries ...

for the rest of my days!

Worry does not change anything!

Worry does not make it better!

Worry is a waste of life and love!
Worry steals my joy!
Hakuna Matata, Baby, Hakuna Matata
                                                                                       "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing"  Stevie Wonder

She is Quite Good at it....

I hide it....it is what I do best…the happy, the sad, the hurt.  I do not know any time in my life that I have hidden so much. I have become quite good at it and I do not know how I feel about it. Will hiding spare the pain or will it end up breaking me?


       "Head and Heart"  Gemma Hayes

"You're the Only Thing in Your Way"

by Cloud Cult


Drive baby drive, until your trouble's gone.
Run, baby, run, until it all goes numb.

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.

You've come too far to care what they say.
Now you're the only thing in your way.

Fly, baby, fly,
until nothing can get you down.
Sing, baby, sing, until it all comes out.

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now You're the only thing in your way.

Breathe, baby, breathe, until all is calm.
Love, baby, love...

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now You're the only thing in your way.

Nothing has Changed

It is not a big surprise that life changes, in fact the old cliché guarantees us that it is the only thing certain in life. When things are working well and I am happy and comfortable, I like it, I feel like I can get my old life back, and be whole again.

And then my heart changes, I do not know when it is coming, there is no warning, I cannot stop it, and it is so incredibly frustrating. I have no choice but to surrender my physical body to its ugly demands. Fear sets in and I find myself desperately scrambling emotionally to control and make sure nothing else changes.

I will frantically grab and hold on to everything too tight, push myself too hard and fight tooth and toe nail in an effort to prove to me and everyone else that nothing has changed.


       "On & On" Stephen Bishop

Still Listening.....

As it has always been…when I am confused, flustered and have no idea what to do next, I go hide in the art. Sometimes it is the letting go of and the listening for….that all of the answers will arrive without any additional effort on my part. And…. looking at the size of this canvas, it is telling me there is a whole lot of flustered confusion!

Hiding in the art is a concept I have recently realized is a reoccurring theme throughout my life. I wonder if I am the only one that does this or is this a cleverly disguised perception of a “muse”?

Still staring at this canvas…..nothing yet….but I am still listening.

"Listen to the Music" The Doobie Brothers

Struggling With Who & What I Am This Week.....

Remembering that artist is 

not just what I am but who I am.

That being an artist is not something 

I woke up and decided to be one day.

It does not turn off or go away just because I am not creating and selling as much as I once did.

I was, I am and I always will be an artist regardless of how much and what I create.

I am an artist!

Square Peg in a World of Round Holes

I feel like a square peg in a world of round holes.

Alone, different, bizarre....Am I the only one that feels like this?

Do I act my age?  Am I irresponsible, why do things that mean so much to others mean so little to me?  On the other hand why am I so passionate about so many things that are so unimportant to others?

Sometimes all I want in this world is to "fit" in, and I never have.

     
          "Express Yourself"  Charles Watts

cha-cha

Yes, it has been one of those weeks! There was a tremendous disappointment and I do not know which way to step next. There was so much evidence that I was moving in the right direction, and then a huge step backwards undermined all of the confidence I had mustered up.  Still learning how to accept failure with grace and desperately looking for my cha-cha!

              "Sway" Michael Buble'

Fairy Godmother Synchronicity...

Funny how things fall together without any effort on my part.  Just paying attention and all kinds of connections and synchronicity seem to be showing up!

This morning I found myself wishing on a star, the first time I have ever really wished on a star, then I realized that my very first, and I might add my only ballet recital solo was to the song "When You Wish Upon a Star"  I was a dancing Fairy Godmother. Unfortunately,  I am a real  klutz, the ballet career was short lived and that may explain why I forgot all about it!

However,  it may be the reason I am so attracted to tiaras and magic wands. Although I clearly remember a magic wand as part of this lovely ensemble, it did not seem to make it into the photograph.  Tiara is on, magic wand is waving madly, and I am wishing on a star knowing that all of these coincidences mean something, Just wishing I knew what.
I need a Fairy Godmother...and I need her right now!


"When You Wish Upon a Star"  Rod Stewart

When You Wish Upon a Star.....

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you.

If your heart is in your dream

No request is too extreme

When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do.

Fate is kind,

She brings to those who love

The sweet fulfillment of

Their secret longing.

Like a bolt out of the blue

Fate steps in and sees you through

When you wish upon a star 

Your dreams come true

I am an artist!

And a perverse fantasy world,
is a most wonderful place!

I get to make up all of the rules!

Imagination is the only guiding factor.
Anything and everything is possible

Afraid to invite others into my world...
They will bring a whole mess of reality.
I did not think I was ready for reality,

But as it turns out, 
I am
I am an artist
and I am filling my reality 
full of unrealistic expectations!

And it makes me smile!


              "Smile" Uncle Kracker

The Comfort Zone

The most exciting things in my life come when I am willing to step outside of my comfort zone.

The most painful things in my life have also come when I am willing to step outside my comfort zone.

The catch is I do not get to know which one I am headed for when I take those first steps. 

 
And now I am way outside my comfort zone, and I still have no idea.

She's Come Undone...

Finished this piece last month for the Artist's Way Exhibit.  It has always been one of those from the "gut" works.  The neck cracked when fired, I almost quit.  But then realized that was going to be part of what I needed to say.

Yes she did not want to be here, did everything not to show up.  But showed up anyway if for no other reason than to say "She's Come Undone" but she is still here!

Loved her tenacity, loved how the light recognized and created the 3 shadows in my life. There they all are.....




"Undun" The Guess Who

That...I know!

Every day there are at least 47 questions I ask myself they always begin like this “What are you doing?” & “Why are you doing that?” Most of the time the answers are so easy, they take very little thought at all….
Laundry-need clean clothes
Marketing-out of food
Gas-want to go somewhere

In the studio, I never ask what or why. I create because it feels good and right. I have something to say and I do not have the words. All I want the viewer to know it is how I feel by using shapes, colors & texture. It works so well in the studio, but in the real world….it does not...they really do not want to know about feelings.

If you ask questions of me, I am most likely to skip the what and the why, not because I do not want you to know…. because I really do not know myself.
                                                                             Ask me how it made me feel, that.... I know!

What was I thinking????

OMG….there is nothing more embarrassing than screwing up my courage, trying something really new and different, and failing …..I mean it was a spectacular FAIL.
The good news….the failure although not caught in time, is manageable and exposure is minimal limiting my total degradation…
Oh dear God…..What was I thinking????

                                                           and NO I am not telling anyone what I did !

                                                                        
                                                                               "No Sugar Tonight"  Guess Who

Good and Bad Days....

There are ecstatic, wonderful celebrate life days and then there are these crappy, crummy, cannot get my shit together days. We all have dreadful days from time to time, but I have managed, for the most part, to avoid them at all costs! The price for this marvelous avoidance has simply been, do not allow anyone into my life enough that could impact my ability to maintain this level of blissful ignorance. If the crappy days are this bad in my isolation, I could not bare it if I were emotionally vulnerable and exposed to people, too.

I understand there is a direct necessary relationship and balance between joy and grief or light and dark, life and death. It is the yin yang of life. They all must exist together and in balance. I have to experience this grief in order to feel the joy that is available to me. But, I wrestle with so much concealed grief every day; I just cannot risk the chance of letting people too far into my life that could tip my own delicate balance. I am so much better at doing this by myself, although I may have just blown my own cover by posting it here.

And this day like all of the rest will surely pass.


"Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying"  Gerry and the Pacemakers

What's Next?

My life seems to flow in stages….I bet everyone’s does this may not be big news to anyone.

The biggest swath was dedicated to being a Momma, although sandwiched in there, out of necessity were years of working, too. The work was fulfilling, but I always knew that that particular job was not what I was “meant” to do. It was the beginning but not the end.

The next identifiable stage was when I began painting and drawing. That erupted pretty quick and there was a gut feeling this was right. Many years on the eastern US art festival circuit finally allowed me to give up the picture framing business and Studio E, Inc. officially closed . It truly was one of the most exciting, challenging parts of my life. As I look back, I realize it was the part of my life that I most enjoyed and was truly satisfied both emotionally and financially.

I have attempted to go back and recreate that life, but I knew better, you cannot go backwards. It never works and this was not different. It was a miserable failure.

So… the question that plagues me is what is next. I am trying so hard to be patient and aware of opportunities. Clearly, teaching continues to show up and I do enjoy it, and there is a part of me deep down in my soul that knows this is part of why I am here.  Is this what I am supposed to leave on this earth. Creative Courage….is this what’s next…..creative courage. I need to find some, create some, and leave some.

        "Follow Me"  Uncle Kracker

No Fear!!!

Woo-Hoo ....I DID IT! 

NO FEAR! for all of those times when I just do not think I can do it.....I now have "no fear" tattooed on my foot to remind me....How strong I have got to be everyday, that I CHOOSE no fear....and  I am going to do it anyway!!!!
Bucket List #32-B check!
My first and will be my only tattoo!

Beginnings and Endings

September is here and summer is over. The semester has begun but there is more that my typical sadness that summer has ended, it is the last semester, at the end I will finally have the degree I have longed for. It truly is the beginning of the end.

Summer brought me some new beginnings and I am thrilled, fall looks like it is going to bring me some endings, some of my own choosing others not. But as sad as those endings may be, they will be making room for more beginnings.

So, to my endings I say goodbye, thank you for coming into my life I am a better person for all of the experiences. To my beginnings, I anticipate your arrivals and welcome all of the new lessons I have yet to learn.


    "Auld Lang Syne"  Mairi Campbell

10 Paradoxical Traits Of Creative People

From Fast Company

“I have devoted 30 years of research to how creative people live and work, to make more understandable the mysterious process by which they come up with new ideas and new things. If I had to express in one word what makes their personalities different from others, it's complexity. They show tendencies of thought and action that in most people are segregated. They contain contradictory extremes; instead of being an individual, each of them is a multitude." Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

1. Creative people have a great deal of physical energy, but they're also often quiet and at rest. They work long hours, with great concentration, while projecting an aura of freshness and enthusiasm.
2. Creative people tend to be smart yet naive at the same time. “It involves fluency, or the ability to generate a great quantity of ideas; flexibility, or the ability to switch from one perspective to another; and originality in picking unusual associations of ideas. These are the dimensions of thinking that most creativity tests measure and that most workshops try to enhance.”
3. Creative people combine playfulness and discipline, or responsibility and irresponsibility. But this playfulness doesn't go very far without its antithesis, a quality of doggedness, endurance, and perseverance. “Despite the carefree air that many creative people affect, most of them work late into the night and persist when less driven individuals would not. Vasari wrote in 1550 that when Renaissance painter Paolo Uccello was working out the laws of visual perspective, he would walk back and forth all night, muttering to himself: "What a beautiful thing is this perspective!" while his wife called him back to bed with no success.”
4. Creative people alternate between imagination and fantasy, and a rooted sense of reality. Great art and great science involve a leap of imagination into a world that is different from the present.
5. Creative people tend to be both extroverted and introverted. We're usually one or the other, either preferring to be in the thick of crowds or sitting on the sidelines and observing the passing show. Creative individuals, on the other hand, seem to exhibit both traits simultaneously.
6. Creative people are humble and proud at the same time. It is remarkable to meet a famous person who you expect to be arrogant or supercilious, only to encounter self-deprecation and shyness instead.
7. Creative people, to an extent, escape rigid gender role stereotyping. When tests of masculinity and femininity are given to young people, over and over one finds that creative and talented girls are more dominant and tough than other girls, and creative boys are more sensitive and less aggressive than their male peers.
8. Creative people are both rebellious and conservative. It is impossible to be creative without having first internalized an area of culture. So it's difficult to see how a person can be creative without being both traditional and conservative and at the same time rebellious and iconoclastic.
9. Most creative people are very passionate about their work, yet they can be extremely objective about it as well. Without the passion, we soon lose interest in a difficult task. Yet without being objective about it, our work is not very good and lacks credibility. Here is how the historian Natalie Davis puts it: "I think it is very important to find a way to be detached from what you write, so that you can't be so identified with your work that you can't accept criticism and response, and that is the danger of having as much affect as I do. But I am aware of that and of when I think it is particularly important to detach oneself from the work, and that is something where age really does help."
10. Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment. “Perhaps the most important quality, the one that is most consistently present in all creative individuals, is the ability to enjoy the process of creation for its own sake. Without this trait, poets would give up striving for perfection and would write commercial jingles, economists would work for banks where they would earn at least twice as much as they do at universities, and physicists would stop doing basic research and join industrial laboratories where the conditions are better and the expectations more predictable.”

her fire...

a "burner" at heart....

When the rest of the country is celebrating Labor Day weekend, my heart and my imagination soar to the temporary city of Black Rock City, Nevada and the yearly one-week celebration of creativity known as Burning Man http://www.burningman.com/ . I have never been but I fill my creative soul by watching the live video feed, admiring the creative freedom of the art installations, and marveling at the incredible adverse conditions that these creatives are willing to endure just to be in each other’s company and create.  

It is easy to draw the similarities that exist at Burning Man with the collection of amazing artists that lived and created in Montmartre area of Paris France. The excitement and lights of the Moulin Rouge, the enlightened conversations of the cafés inspired them and they thrived artistically.

My body may be sitting in a little air conditioned concrete block house in central Florida, but my imagination is dancing among the creatives that are living for a week in the middle of a Nevada desert, practicing, celebrating and living their art.

                                                                               I am a “Burner” at heart.

http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2013/09/photos-of-burning-man-2013/100584/

not thinking....

When my direction in life is challenged, I find that I tend to run back into the art. The question then becomes is the creativity my tool for avoiding the problems or is it a way to deal with them. Tucked away in the studio I can focus singularly on the work. The studio is like my magic room, it is the one place I can go where reality cannot reach me.

Maybe there are times when dealing with reality and the problems of life are better served by not thinking about them at all.

and sometimes, they just "fall" out of me

Some days I struggle, no inspiration, some days plenty of inspiration but the work will not gel and then there are wonderful days like to day.  It just happens with so little effort!

" So just let it go and see where it lands."

not buying the stories....

"The next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you're feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering - yours, mine, and that of all living beings."
—Pema Chodron

2013 Artist'sWay Celebration of Creativity....Deconstruction

And another awesome Summer Artist's Way Group
Dances into the Artist's Way Family of Creatives!

A wonderful exhibition a tremendous celebration of creativity.
What a magnificent summer! 

Worth it?

Have taken a few chances lately, they have the possibility of changing my life, but it is the “let it” part that brings my wheels to a grinding screeching halt. I have so much to figure out. There are dear friends and family that offer with help and advice but I seem to continue to be unable and/or unwilling to accept those offers. I promise I will look at the chances less critically, open my heart to more experiences and trust that these events are coming into my life for reasons that I just do not get to understand right now, but I will someday, I will.

The 2013 Artist's Way Exhibition is UP! DECONSTRUCTION

The Optional Tiara is Still Being Tested…

Fear sneaks into my life and even I forget that the only thing any of us are guaranteed is “now". In an effort to push a perfectly wonderful situation into the future; I managed to induce a full-scale meltdown that opened the door for all manner of ugly emotions to slip in! Control, anxiety and panic took advantage of the fear and marched back into my life in a matter of moments and I watched myself  being reduced to an unreasonable, blubbering and raging ball of doubt.

I sabotaged the peace and happiness of the moment by attempting to control and manipulate how it should look and feel like in the future. It was an ugly desperate attempt to hang on to the magic of now so I would still have it tomorrow. I cheated myself out of the joy that was available to me in that moment by allowing fear of the future to sneak into my life.

A wonderful and wise friend has given me a marvelous new gift. It gives me the power to contain the uncertainties of my future. It is an outrageous fear zapping magic wand and matching tiara! I can confirm that the magic wand works perfectly. The optional tiara is still being tested. There will be follow up reports!

If you've got butterflies entering your life....

My woefully overgrown back yard has been inundated with black and yellow butterflies.  Never less than 10 and sometimes almost 30, but will admit they are hard to count.  They are spectacular!  I cannot imagine what is drawing them here, and then my dear sweet friend began pointing out the obvious and more research turned this up.

 If you've got butterflies entering your life, perhaps you should look at your current situation and determine what stage you are at or what stage a particular issue is either in or moving through. That will help you decide what your next, most effective steps should be.

The fact that the butterflies in question are black and yellow is also significant. Yellow represents wisdom and black creativity. Look to your current situation from those points of view and you should be able to determine what needs your creative, wise attention.

Dave Matthew's Tampa Concert July 2013

It was the most perfect Tampa night!  There was good hard afternoon rain and the night air was cool made for a fantastic Dave Matthews Concert! 

A few beers, fantastic live music and the best company will be a night I will always remember.

And, OMG... Grey Street, did I mention Grey street was the encore!

I was magic!
http://www.cheryljonesevans.com/Grandarch.html

A whole new set of memories that I know we will giggle about forever....

always, always my sweet babes!

Bucket List Time......This time I get to spend an outrageous day, and night with 2 of the most spectacular people in my life. My 2 most awesome grown men sons. I am not sure what I ever did in this life to deserve them. I could shout a million times a day, how proud I am of them and it would still not be enough! I hope one day they will realize how truly magnificent they really are!

Life moved on, and we all got so busy with our lives, jobs, wives, grandchildren.  I want this chance to recapture the playing, the laughter and love we shared when we were all younger.

A Dave Matthews concert in Tampa, and looking forward to too much beer, silly booty shaking and the chance to make a whole new set of memories that I know we will giggle about forever! 

Head phones ON...Volume UP...World OFF!!!

3 days and counting DMB Tampa 2013

Can you hear me?

A night of Dave Matthews, too many beers, dancing and my boys (both of my phenomenal grown sons) might be exactly what I need to blow up this funk I am in.  I am ready to go!

Liar...Liar...Liar

Oh be still my heart, tell me this is true! This fear thing has been overwhelming recently; do not know where it came from, or how it could have possibly slipped into my life, undetected until it got such a horrendous grip on me.

Exploring new mediums, the loss of my sweet little girl kitty, pushing through and having to face some physical boundaries, and addressing, not so successfully some personal boundaries may have opened the door and let all of this fear into my life. I do not like it….I do not like it at all.

Liar….Liar….Liar

Open, Open, Damn it, Open

Why am I hanging on to the old proper, do good, closed self, a self that I recognize but do not like. I thought I had walked away from her to pursue a more open and accepting full life. 

Why can’t I let go and truly open up? 

I look back at some of my work and I see things I did not see when I was creating them. But now the message is clear and screaming at me….. let go, quit hiding, stop planning for the future, expose yourself, all of yourself, open up, open up!   

All of the sudden I see my work is betraying me and screaming to the world “liar” you are not strong, confident, open and honest, you are just afraid.

The "Fixer"

A new monster has tip toed into my life! The “fixer” arrived this week! Apparently hidden way down inside of me, he beckons me to go back into time and fix the things I screwed up. He insists that fixing my past is going to make my present better.

I am working on a project for the Artists Way 2013 Summer exhibition “Deconstruction” and struggling! What seemed to be a easy topic to portray is turning out to be a more difficult subject than I had originally anticipated!

The assignment- Take apart a piece of work (preferably one of my own) then reconstruct it into a new image. Simple, right? Wrong! Why is this giving me such a hard time?  

This work requires I step backwards look at and study previous and perhaps “not so great” creative decisions.

An internal argument has erupted between the “fixer” fanatically working to take apart an old piece to correct my mistakes, and me that just needs to take that old work and make something new in spite of the mistakes.  

Much harder than I had originally thought, and I furiously beat back the “fixer”.

Courage

"There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope.
The hopers would feel slighted if they knew." — Rumi

The secret medicine is courage. Courage to let go.  Courage to grab on to.  Courage to see every situation for what it is, not what I want it to be, or as others might see it. Courage to accept that the ones that love me the most will never ever really understand how truly frightening this can be at times and how I chose to handle it.  The courage to follow my heart is what I need more than anything.

Why not me??

Yesterday’s noon news included one of their “health” reports, which I typically ignore, but this one was about the glorious results that were being recorded with the cardiac stem cell clinical trials. The very same trial that 2 years ago I actively campaigned to be a part of. I was on the short list for both Johns Hopkins and Shands but after extensive and invasive testing, I was inevitably deemed “not a viable candidate” for either of the trials. I was so sure I was going to be accepted, and was emotionally devastated, by both rejections. 

I have moved on, put the rejections behind me, but perhaps not as well as I thought. As the news video continued to broadcast this particular stem cell recipients glowing recovery, I found myself overwhelmed with those past feelings of elimination, anger welled up and I find myself wallowing in negativity.

I am angry, I want them to tell me, right now, why not me. Why didn’t you choose me!

I Chose the Blindfold

I chose this blind fold.

I have spent a lifetime carefully choosing what I did and did not want to see. The selection process was never based on fact, but on my life experiences and pre-programed expectations.

Realizing now that there is so much still to see, the question is “do I want to see it, experience it?”

The questions well up and I cannot decide if I am ready for so much truth.  

Make me Stronger

I want to be a very strong woman. However, I do not want tears. 

The question is…. can I do one without the other?

So many times in my past, when faced with difficulties I have put on my “emotional” suit of armor and muscled through the situation. I would not allow myself the luxury of emotion or more precisely fear, hurt, shame or any other negative feelings. I would control the situation (and my negative emotions) by simply walking away. I would consciously choose to focus on the positive, moving away from the negative people and/or situations as quickly as I possibly could.  

Looking back, it is beginning to feel like I am a champion at avoidance. 

Perhaps a strong woman is not just a tower of energy  but a fragile balance of the two sides. Strength and Weakness….Light and Dark …High and Low

Is it possible that exposing my shame, fear, hurt and weaknesses could make me stronger?

90-year old slug

There is not one flipping minute of this past weekend I would trade for a million dollars.  I do not recall laughing as long and as loud as I did, but OMG the recovery has been brutal!  The last 3 days I have had the get-up-and-go of a 90-year-old slug and am desperately looking for something that resembles energy!    I have some body parts that are barking and other parts that are just plain DOA.   C’mon my awesome, phenomenal, kick-butt heart, catch up with me because I need to do a whole lot more of this!!

Pirates & Picasso weekend!

art....arrrrrrrrgh....and whooops!

Pirates & Picasso

This life, like everyone else has ups and downs and oh how I love the ups! I love the ups so much, I wonder if I do not invite the downs in a little quicker by playing so hard and wearing myself out??? Sounds like manic behavior...scarier still…bi-polar! AUGHHHHH!

It is not either, it is a simple cliché case of “making hay while the sun shines”. When you (and I do mean all of us) do not know what tomorrow will bring…..we should be, do and have the best of what today has to offer!  

And I am off to live another of my “bucket list” dreams! A weekend in St. Augustine, with a gallery walk, a Picasso exhibition and the long awaited bucket list trip of a cruise with phenomenal friends on a pirate ship with shifty pirates, busty wenches and an bar in the back of the boat. ARGHHHHH!

Listen, Smile, Agree...

W A R N I N G....
this blog post is pithy, sarcastic an most certainly offensive! Enter with extreme caution!

There have been occasions in my life that I have felt the need to or been asked to defend my decisions and actions. What each of these conditions have in common was that the person (persons) asking, were not interested in listening to my point of view, but  looking for an opportunity to let me know I was wrong, explain why they are right, and convince me to give up my position and climb back into their socially acceptable behavior box... 

In the past, I felt like my life style, decisions and honor were worth defending vehemently. When I was younger I proudly earned my reputation as a fiery red head by passionately and stubbornly arguing my points.

Recently I find I just do not have the time and energy to actively engage in those conversations anymore.

However, I do not want you to think I have become weak, soft, mellow or given up my feisty flamboyant attitude.  I have just adopted a new philosophy regarding my decisions.  "Listen, smile, agree and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna' do anyway"