life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Good and Bad Days....

There are ecstatic, wonderful celebrate life days and then there are these crappy, crummy, cannot get my shit together days. We all have dreadful days from time to time, but I have managed, for the most part, to avoid them at all costs! The price for this marvelous avoidance has simply been, do not allow anyone into my life enough that could impact my ability to maintain this level of blissful ignorance. If the crappy days are this bad in my isolation, I could not bare it if I were emotionally vulnerable and exposed to people, too.

I understand there is a direct necessary relationship and balance between joy and grief or light and dark, life and death. It is the yin yang of life. They all must exist together and in balance. I have to experience this grief in order to feel the joy that is available to me. But, I wrestle with so much concealed grief every day; I just cannot risk the chance of letting people too far into my life that could tip my own delicate balance. I am so much better at doing this by myself, although I may have just blown my own cover by posting it here.

And this day like all of the rest will surely pass.

"Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying"  Gerry and the Pacemakers

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