life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Nothing has Changed


It is not a big surprise that life changes, in fact the old cliché guarantees us that it is the only thing certain in life. When things are working well and I am happy and comfortable, I like it, I feel like I can get my old life back, and be whole again.

And then my heart changes, I do not know when it is coming, there is no warning, I cannot stop it, and it is so incredibly frustrating. I have no choice but to surrender my physical body to its ugly demands. Fear sets in and I find myself desperately scrambling emotionally to control and make sure nothing else changes.

I will frantically grab and hold on to everything too tight, push myself too hard and fight tooth and toe nail in an effort to prove to me and everyone else that nothing has changed.


       "On & On" Stephen Bishop

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