You know the list....

It is not that any of these things cannot be changed but most people refuse to even acknowledge they have the power to do so.  In some cases, they reject the notion that it is a choice.  I have often wondered if we are just lazy, it is much easier to accept the judgment and beliefs of others because to do any otherwise would take time, introspection, research and work…it might even challenge the accepted.  And here is the most terrifying part we will be outside of the tribe. Banished!   We risk being pointed out as different…identified as not like the rest of them, clearly not as good as they are and in some cases, I might be considered as dangerous.  But I will promise you, if you have done the homework, looked deep into your heart, listened to and researched other's points of view and have come upon your own thoughts…you will never regret it!  In fact, if you pay attention…you will see that the greatest people we celebrate and uphold did just that.   Einstein, Mother Theresa, Picasso, Mandela, Malala, Edison …you know the list….

"Time of the Season" Zombies

It just feels so good!

I am so ready to pop some "Frida" flowers in my hair, grab my drum and dance...oh my goodness dance! Love these women's energy!
 

It's Always Something!

I do not usually report the day to day medical part of heart failure...But…it has been one hell of a couple of weeks!  However, it is Saturday and I am still here…a little rougher around the edges both emotionally and physically but today it began to feel like I have gotten through this last hic-up and will be moving on without much significant change.  Last Wednesday I was officially medically classified “end stage” and that was an emotional bomb! It is a big ridiculous leap from terminally ill to "end stage" do not ask me why...you will just have to take my word on this one. I mean I knew it was coming but it was still a surprise. With that pronouncement came the prudent medical need to turn off my “safety net” implanted defibrillator.  It was a really easy thing to do physically but a really hard thing to do emotionally…I am truly leaping without a safety net, now.  No sooner did I get those changes under my belt when my body staged an unprovoked revolt and my electrolytes went haywire, which launched another round of those OMG muscle cramps that begin at my little toe and go right up to my armpit. At the risk of sounding melodramatic (which by the way I can do quite well) I will confess I do not know of anyone that has died of muscle cramps, but dear god...after a few of those mothers, you want to.... they are wicked painful! Even after surviving the night, the entire next day it feels like I have been put through a turn of the century washing machine wringer…and it took almost 2 days to get through this one. But it is Saturday....the new meds are on board, the defibrillator deactivation has been without incident and I am still here…I got this sneaky suspicion that from here on out it is going to be the Gilda Radner mantra "If it isn't one thing--it's another!  It's always something!"

"Everyday is a Winding Road" Sheryl Crow

No Comparisons!

Most will think this is not a big deal, I never thought about it much before now or maybe never knew how.  Most of us assemble our self-worth based on what others think.  That is how we were subliminally taught to do it. Making up my own mind about my own value was never ever part of the self-worth equation. The unspoken method of determining my own value was comparing me to others.  It was how much money I made and spent, how smart I was, how strong I was, my physical appearance and for me personally, I can add it was how many came to look at, liked and bought the pictures I made. (Before that it was how well my kids behaved, how well I kept house, what kind of car I drove, my job…etc..etc...) Quite frankly you could pick out anything and I would immediately “compare myself” to the rest of the people to determine my own self-worth. I never looked to me or my own thoughts to establish my own value and I suspect there are many who do the same. So, here I am at this stage of my own journey and in some ways, it is the weakest part of my life and other ways the strongest part. I guess the point I am making…is for the first time…really…I am having to figure out my own self-worth without comparing.  And…I will not lie… It is not easy.  It feels like trying to accurately figure out the size of a room without a ruler.  So, if from time to time it looks like I am pushing people away, the reality is I am just trying to figure out who I am, for myself,  no comparisons (no rulers)!

"All We Are, We Are"  Matt Nathanson

You "Gird 'em" your way...I'll "Gird 'em" my way!

I have used “Gird Your Loins” hundreds of times as kind of a joke…it just sounded funny…but my imagination was so much better than this!  In my somewhat crude, unhealthy and naughty mind…I was picturing a robust over the top version of a chastity belt encrusted with jewels and the look was completed with a brocade superhero cape!  

Damn…this is so disappointing! 

"Good Girl" Julian Moon

Ready for more!

There are literally tons of inspirational quotes that when read makes me think….ahhhhh... good one!  I promptly acknowledge how nice it sounds, and then that wretched “censor” slithers into the back of my head, whispering “yes,  it is nice but it does not apply to you”.  It is immediately followed by a litany of “whys”.  I would look so stupid. I am not good enough. I am not smart enough. They would think I am bad…and the wretched negatives go on and on and on!  Maybe that is why I keep posting them, hoping they will eventually sink in, and I will really believe them…but this one…this one today smacked me upside the head….really hard!  There are so many things I did not do out of fear but there are many others that I fought through my fear and did them anyway…Some were colossal screw-ups and some were the times of my life! When I look back, those are the days both good and bad that I remember,  they are the ones that define me.  The good ones make me laugh...the bad ones remind me of spectacular life lessons. I am so ready to have more “screw up my courage”, just go for it, days to remember!  I never want to say “I wish I did that” again!

"You Might Die Trying"  Dave Matthews Band

Still creating!

The pastel images I create are just a small part of it…as this disease keeps moving forward, I have had to find “other” creative.  The pastels are no doubt the most marketable and I do truly enjoy making them but the physical labor required to frame them is more than I can do now. I would frame every one of them, from cutting and joining the wood molding, cutting the mats, and the glass before applying the gold leaf and building the shadow box that the art lives in. It is a lot of work but has always been a labor of love.  Now it is time to find something that allows me to explore and restore that does not challenge my physical strength beyond what I am capable of. I have dabbled in sculpture, and recently picked sewing back up and I am enjoying both.  But I will confess when I see my pastel work I am reminded of how good I used to be, and how I never really understood that.  Maybe I was just too busy restoring my soul to notice at the time…but it must have worked….I am still here and still creating!

"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

New door!

One door has officially closed, I have had my “meltdown” and washed it down with a nice bottle of red wine and my sister… now, it is time for me to really consider that there is much more to this journey than I ever thought possible. It is not going to come looking for me, I have to go out and find it on my own, and that in itself may be the greatest most exciting part of this journey!

"Blackbird"  The Beatles

Wish I had more skills!

How can I know?  I guess what I really would like to know is…does anyone really know? Or do they just pretend like I do?   When we spend our lives avoiding darkness and pain…I mean most of us do not deliberately launch into pain, but we spend so much time and energy avoiding it, covering it up or fearing it. What if someone taught us just a little bit of the “how to’s” of working through life’s emotional problems and disappointments.    Buck up, don’t be a baby, why do you think you are so special, everyone goes through this, why do you think you are different…I can go on, but I will spare you.  How about instead of all the accusations hurled at those already in pain, we were taught coping and communication skills.  I think every public and private school from kindergarten through college should teach critical thinking and coping skills!  I am peddling so hard to “feel safe and steady within myself”… learning how to cope and communicate at the same time and screwing it up at least 90% of the time….wish I had more skills!

                        "Into the Mystic"  Van Morrison

In and Out...with a cookie!

One in and one out...The new fridge is in and humming, still peeling the plastic off of it and there is a ton of it...it will probably never be this shiny again!  And scheduling is underway to turn off..the defibrillator…and for the record I do not think the SICD defib was ever shiny!  But I confess that there was a great deal of emotional comfort knowing I had a “safety net” if something cardiac went sideways.  So pretty soon I am going to be leaping without a net…and it's a little scary.  My heart is getting too weak to be “jump started” any more…and that has been a real emotional but realistic blow…as noted below it is not a new development, we have talked about it…it is the intellectual, least painful, smart thing to do... I had no idea it would affect me so much or that I could be such a weenie!  But, I sure do like my new fridge and I am a tough cookie... I can do this!

"I'm a Woman"  Koko Taylor

Whoa! Thank you Jill for such a nice write up about all of us, who and what we are!

Another one has come and gone!

Another year has come and gone, the man, the Temple, and many other art installations have been burned or hauled away.  The people (burners) have left the temporary Black Rock City, and the crew that stays on the playa to return the desert to its pristine state will begin. Every year being able to be a part of this “digitally” through live streams and this year being able to submit a memory to the temple wall made it even better!  I felt more connected to the artists and makers that go out into the desert and create for the sheer joy of creating and being seen.  It reminds me that my art does not need to sell or be liked, to just create is all I need to do to be a part of it…Thank youBurning Man 2018... my spirit is renewed! 

"Hammer and Nails"  Indigo Girls

just get up and go....

For the best part of my life, I thought getting out the front door was a monumental exercise in gathering my “shit”  purse, phone, keys, lists and drink cup….and oh yes the kids!   9 times out of 10 even that insignificant list required 2 trips to the van because I had forgotten at least one thing. Now there is at least a half hour of preparation, another 10 minutes of loading and then the obligatory 2^nd trip into the house, because I still forget something, and then other times I suspect that second trip is just out of habit.  The free and easy days of just “running” to the store, “dashing” to the corner or any other description of a quick errand are gone!  Dear god, I miss the days of just get up and go.  I thought I had way too much then!  and then...I thought all of this crap was supposed to make life easier....NOT!

"Hold on, I'm Coming"  Sam & Dave

where is the line?

This is the place I allow me to let it all hang out.  Typically I reveal my emotional state, lessons I have learned or just my peculiar left-field observations in a raw stream of thought writing…rambling…no rules, no subject out of bounds and no emotions off limits.  But this week I have come across something that caught me off guard, although it shouldn’t have. That has been the double-edged surprise! It caught me off guard! How the hell did that happen?  Is this the real beginning of emotional vs rational intellectual.  I have been unable to share this week’s event, quite frankly because I have not processed it yet...Damn...I hate that word “process”!  It is the perfect socially overused excuse I find myself using to avoid exposing my own vulnerability.  The past few years have been one hell of a journey and for the most part, I can emotionally flip my crappy experiences around with some sound intellect and a little humor into life-affirming lessons to myself.   But this one has me stumped and I worry ….have I been oversharing?  Have I just found that line? or does it even matter….

"Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying"  Jerry and the Pace Makers

…and then there are the days that life will just march up and smack you up side of the head!

…and then there are the days that life will just march up and smack you up side of the head!                    I somehow manage to elude most of them, but one of them snuck up on me yesterday and took me out.  It was not a disastrous incident, in fact, quite the opposite.  It had been discussed and a reasonable intellectual decision had been pretty much made months ago.  But the outrageous (and not so pretty) emotional meltdown began when it was deemed medically time to implement that decision.  I am telling you…none of this is for sissies, and I have the best medical and family support EVER…I cannot imagine doing it any other way!

"Tubthumping" (I Get Knocked Down)  Chumbawamba

Are you drunk?

Wish I could claim authorship on this one…but it is really funny… “Are you drunk?” Sometimes the best stuff is simple and rather understated!

…RED FLAG…here comes the bitching….I have decided that I need to devise my own little questionnaire to post on a daily basis. I really like this one just need to tweak a few questions.   This is going to sound horrible because I am so truly grateful to have so many friends and family that love and care about me, but (you knew the “BUT” was coming)  each and every day I must be asked at the top of every conversation…”How are you feeling?” or  “Did you see the nurse today, what did he say?” and  ”How is your BP, heart rate, energy, tummy, swelling, breathing etc….etc?” (pick one)   You get the picture… Rarely does a conversation begin with “What color are the PJs you wore last night?”  “Want to go to_______?” (not sure I could go but it’s nice to be asked) “What are you working on in the studio or at the sewing machine?”  Or EvEn…. ask me  “Are you drunk?”  When an illness becomes part of your life every day, every once in a while, I just want to forget about it, pretend it does not exist.  Perhaps my questionnaire’s first question should be, “Do I want to talk about it?” or perhaps  “Am I childish?” may work,  I am teased and accused of that fairly often anyway!  Every once in a while let me drift off into my own goofy fantasy… I get a belly full of reality every day and it seems to be there whether I participate or not…there are times I would rather NOT, but I do not want to hurt your feelings either…and I do appreciate that you care.  xoxoxo

   
"Bitch" Meridith Brooks (acoustic)

...then it is ok.....

Maybe it is the full moon…maybe it is Burning Man week…maybe it is the new book I am reading….but I am feeling empowered!  I used to read things like this statement and think how selfish.  I was taught early to that making others happy was my most important job as a woman.  Husbands, children, the family were all to come before my needs and wants.  And eventually, after years that translated in my heart to I am not important. Then all of the sudden I realized that I am important…I am worth being important to me and if it turns out that I am the only one that feels that way…then it is ok.

"Waiting for my Real Life to Begin"
Colin Hay

Sure wish I had done it sooner!

For the longest time…I kept my personal feelings off of FB.  Actually, I was (and still do to a certain extent) using FB as my primary marketing tool.  I would have risked losing potential customers by posting personal or political opinions. 

Things have changed, and the further I go down this road, the more I realize that my voice and opinions are still unaffected by this disease and I plan on using the “hooey” out of them!  What has been wonderfully remarkable is that all kinds of interesting, eclectic, thought-provoking and fascinating people and posts have appeared and I am asking why did I have to get to this point to really speak my mind?  (because I was afraid they would not like me….now…it doesn’t matter if you like me or not!)  It is the most exciting breathtaking freeing feeling!  Sure wish I had done it sooner!

"Light on"  Mark Ballas

I am a "PSEUDO BURNER"...

This time of year, every year I swoon and I wish I were in Black Rock City at Burning Man. It may be one of my biggest regrets....I never went.  First, it was just sheer logistics and money and now my body could not, or would not tolerate the harsh environment.

Burning Man is an annual week-long experiment of radical self-expression. They create a temporary community in the middle of a Nevada dessert dedicated to anti-consumerism and creativity.  The Burning Man art festival, which attracted more than 70,000 last year, always culminates with the burning of a large wooden sculpture of a man.  I am now and suspect I always will be a pseudo burner, there in my heart and imagination watching the festival on its’ live feed and admiring the mind-blowing art installations from other’s photographs.   

I am still here....

On a daily basis…I ask myself….”What Next?” I mean it may sound silly, until you are in this lousy boat.  Like do you start any long-term projects or relationships? Well Hell…do you start anything at all?  Will I get to finish them? I have asked myself that a thousand times …ummm,  that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I have thought about it many times, at least…the emotional part of this is worse than the physical part.  There are all kinds of explanations for the causes and how to deal with the physical stuff…but the emotional part…there is nothing.  Well, that may be an exaggeration, too.  There has been some support from hospice, like getting the final legal stuff and funeral crap in order, and that is a good thing, it does bring me some peace. The “real” this is how I feel or I want to feel is sorely ignored.  Hospice has a program to help my friends and family members deal with this…But I am in the corner screaming….What about me?  It is like the world is shouting, just shut up, it is uncomfortable for everyone, no one wants to hear about this.  But I would give a million dollars to know that someone else feels the same way about their own end of life that I do.  Grieving the life I will not have, while I am still here…It is crazy isn’t it?

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

I Felt like trying anyway!

Everything comes with a price tag…after a spectacular week at the beach with all of my boys and then a masterful art opening with friends and family the bill came due.  And I am finding my body has less of a “bank”.  I will confess I would much rather “do it” or at the very least, try and pay for it later.  I am always afraid that if I wait, I will not get the chance again and there is already so much in my life that I regret not having done!  Today I turned a  corner and was just beginning to claim my energy back when a small Ray of sunshine poured into my life and I felt like I could do anything again…well, I felt like trying anyway!  My life is just full of those wonderful unexpected gifts!  Thank you!

"Try"  Mandy Harvey

It's enough...It's plenty!

Sometimes I come across something that just says everything  I wish I had the words for…

this is one of those times….

"Give Me Peace"  George Harrison

Another Soapbox Moment...

Here comes another soapbox moment!  I think we (collectively) do not understand the difference between “curing” and “healing”, and there is a HUGE difference!  Our medical industry has become so proficient at “fixing” just about every human malady that we have confused those 2 words, and virtually eliminated the concept of healing!  What used to be life-threatening pneumonia…is now “cured” with 4 days of antibiotics.  Healing has been lumped in with curing and lost its amazing meaning and concept! 

8-18-18...18 Artist's Way Alumni celebrating 18 years of the Artist's Way at the
Casselberry At House, and donating the new door to creativity!
and yes...we are wearing tiaras!

In my world, I have found that curing is what happens to our physical bodies.  Medications, surgeries, treatments, diets and all other alternative therapies will either eradicate or relieve the symptoms.  But healing is what happens to your mind, soul and/or spirit!  Curing presupposes that your life and your body will return back to normal or the way it was.  The reality is sometimes that does not happen.  It is simply the way of things.  But in a world of rampant litigation that assumes that anything less than perfect is cause for legal action.  I am not saying that there are not situations that litigation may be the way to address irresponsible medical doctors and facilities, but there is a big big difference between negligence and a human condition that cannot be cured.

Healing, on the other hand, is available to every person and physical situation.  It is a process of accepting our physical problems will always exist and life goes on. How we choose to move through it IS a matter of choice! Healing is the process of understanding the cards that have been dealt and still playing.  We have all seen a poker player “bluff” his way through a terrible hand and win anyway! Healing is a choice! Doing things and participating in activities you do not think you can do and then not only getting through them but enjoying them is healing.  I have accepted that I do not need to do things as well as I used to and that can be horribly frustrating and depressing, but doing them anyway has become the most “healing thing” I could possibly do!

Healing does not come from the doctor, the hospital or a bottle of pills…it comes from the heart and soul….you just have to choose it….and I choose art and creating and being around those that celebrate creation!

"Heart of a Hero"  Cathy Heller
This is one of my most favorite 
dance while no one is looking songs, 
yep... I am dancing right now!

It seems to be as much a part of who I am as my own right elbow!

Last summer I officially declared that it was the last Artist’s Way Group at the Casselberry Art House, I had done the same the year before at the Leesburg Center for the Arts.  I figured it was time for me to begin directing my time and energy towards my own passions. 

So, to find myself curating another Artist’s Way “Celebration of Creativity”…was unexpected…but here we go!  I do so enjoy being around other creatives, and did not really realize just how much until this came around…

It has been so very fun putting this together, of course having the artists step forward with amazing works and to hang was such a great help.  They are all awesome!  I am so very very lucky to have such an amazing tribe.  Is this the last time I do this? Maybe not…I thought last summer was the last!  I think from here on out I will participate in every opportunity the Universe puts in my path and revel in the health and strength to do them!  It seems to be as much a part of who I am as my own right elbow!

                                                                                     "Do it Again"  Steely Dan

Just the Right Amount of "Sameness"

or….everything changes.

There is something very safe and comforting about “sameness”.  I am not saying that it is something that I aspire to; just there is a place in my life that I do like some repetition.  Until this past week,

I would have railed on and on about how I hated it.  But I am thinking that some “sameness” becomes the anchor that holds me in place and gives me a safe location to come back to.  I suspect what creative success I have had and my courage to travel the outdoor art festival circuit, maybe as simple as living in the same place for over 40 years.  Changes in my life and heart failure do not seem quite so scary when I have such a wonderful “anchor” to come back to.  So life goes on, but it goes on with a bit more color, enthusiasm, excitement, anticipation, and pleasure because I have just the right amount of sameness!

"Groovin"  War

...and would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

The beach week is over, unpacking and laundry are underway but I just had to stop one more time to enjoy some of the pictures and memories!  The boys were so much fun and so well behaved! What a joy to get to spend time with each of them!  And oh my… they grow so fast! The whole week was a magnificent day after day of smiles and laughs laced with great food, sun, and water, but there was also wonderful after dark “grownup” time with a few drinks and the best conversations!  It just could not have been any better. Thank you Skip, Jason, Steph, Oliver Owen, Steven, Cooper, Cathye, Jacob, Adrianne, and Larry, you all made it perfect!  Leaving this year was so so hard! Each time a yearly event or holiday comes there is a horrible voice in the back of my head that screams this may be the last time I get to do this.  That voice was really loud this year and that may be what made this year so extra special and at the same time incited the tears as we left, but I would not have missed one minute of it! (and would do it all over again in a heartbeat!)

"The Time of  My Life"  from Dirty Dancing

Without regret!

I really really wish I had figured this one out 50 or so years ago!  I have wasted so much of my life caring about what I did or how it looked like to others. Being a part of a group that just did not fit me,  churches, art groups, women’s clubs, political parties.   I admit I have always worked outside most of the boundaries, but if you only know how much courage it took if you only knew how I grieved about would they like me or my ideas.  How much time was wasted worrying about “them”?

Things have changed, and so have I!  I mean…what is the worst that can happen? I die?…and that is going to happen anyway….so why not! It is time now to do what I should have done 50 years ago, let go, enjoy, party. love, live…without regret!

"They" Jem

I do have my own crown and a crystal tiara!

and….I do have my own crown and a crystal tiara!

I will coordinate and hang what will probably be my last Artist’s Way Creativity of Celebration; however, I have to confess I thought I had done this last year, too.  It truly came as a last minute surprise, more like somebody at the city did not take our group off the yearly exhibition calendar…it does not really matter I am tickled to have the opportunity to do this again.  It has been a bit weird doing it without having the classes that go along with the planning sessions, so there is a bit of angst that comes along with this. In addition to the normal pre-installation worry,  I find my head and my heart reaching back and remembering all of the fun we have had over the years, the times I tried what I thought were really stupid things, umbrellas, kites, stools, clocks, boxes  etc… sure that others would make fun of me, but I  did it anyway.

 So I am not going to worry about what this body will or will not let me do….like it used to.  I am just going to go in there and do it…I am surrounded by people that will help me and not think I am weak or failing…. I am going to enjoy this!... I will not let this fear steal this magic experience from me! (until maybe next year….lol…)

"Reflections"  Marmelade

Every full moon...

Women and the moon share common cycles, maybe that is why I am so affected by the full moons.  I know more babies are born, more crimes are committed and there are in general more hospital admissions, there must be something to it, but I know of no scientific reason, as of right now.  So I have learned to embrace the change of and the intensity of my emotions on the full moon.  I have never been able to understand it, but I know in my heart how powerful the full moon is.  If nothing else, it is a reliable point 12 times a year, that I can examine the feelings I hold on to, why I believe them. I have the strength to let go of those things that no longer serve my life.  And every time I let go of the negative I make room for more positive.  That is my joy every full moon!

"Moon Dance"  Van Morrison

I am NOT for everyone....

I am slow…but I am learning.  Raised in the South and a good Episcopalian the concept of someone, anyone not liking me was not even discussed.  It was my job to make them like me.  I was to dress properly, speak properly (never about money,  religion or politics), use impeccable table manners, do not speak until spoken to first, never ask for anything, wait until someone offers it to you and there were many many more ridiculous “rules”.  The only good women are Christian, great mothers, good cooks, and superb homemakers. I am none of these!  This was the plan as it was taught to me. In short, if you did all of the right things, everyone would like me and I would attract the “proper” friends.   Not being liked was a sign of failure on my part.

It was a different generation and the concept of being “liked” appears to have been a major part of all women’s roles!  So when I see a post like this, it reaches into my heart and gives me permission to politely continue on my own path,  I do not need anyone else’s approval and the older I get the more I realize I never did.  I am not for everyone, and it is ok!

I only need to spend my love, life, energy and time with those that “get me” and like me just the way I am.

"Song for a Friend" Jason Mraz

I am brave, I am bruised and I am still breaking the rules!

and it begins…..yep…I know the next venue has a history of censoring nudes…but I have felt quite obstinate lately and really really having such a great time experimenting with female proportion and scale.  Enjoying having my hands in wet and gooey clay…loving the tactile part of this.  I am thinking perhaps this may have been the next natural step all along…even my 2D work was tactile and very textural.  If I keep is very Roman classical relic-y…they would not dare censor it?…

Well, they might…we will see? 

Right now I just have a need to break some rules! I am brave, I am bruised, but this is who I am meant to be…. this is me….

                         "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman 

Anything that vibrates is a GOOD thing!

Old faithful has sprung another leak, that is developing quickly into a major hole, which unfortunately matches the holes in the seat that I have managed to “mask” with a cheesy quilted seat cover over the past year or so. It looks like whether I am ready or not to give up my old faithful….it is time! As I was online looking at my chair replacement options I came across this chair (pic on right). It is the right style, and the right color…that is a plus-plus.  It was in my price range…big plus, but it is not leather…as my sister calls it….”pleather” or in another day and age “naugahide-ish” BIG MINUS….but then.....I read the description…it vibrates in certain places (lumbar, thighs, upper back) and has heat...all of the sudden it is SCREW the logical rational way of making good choices. Anything that vibrates is a good thing! ...and....it is on the way to my house! Delivery date is 8-1!

"Good Girl"  Julian Moon

Gnats Ass Opinions

You may….or may not have noticed that I have been much more vocal about my political opinions (and other opinions too). The first few times I publically stated my political opinion on social media, I felt like I was summarily chastised for even having one. My feelings were hurt. I mean, in my world, shouldn’t everyone agree with me?...lol…  My first, best, protect my ego option to avoid further public humiliation was to just be quiet, not speak up, just stop.  And I did.   That might be the end of this story, but then, you knew better!

As my heart continues to degrade and my own physical abilities show signs of significant failure, I find myself in a constant state of reinventing how I do things. It occurred to me that the one thing this disease has not affected nor had the ability to take away from me is my voice, actually my words.  If something as volatile and destructive as heart failure cannot take away my voice, why should I allow a bunch of small minded ignorant bullies on social media do it?  I mean compared to what I am dealing with now and will in the future, I cannot allow them or their opinions to be any more important or powerful to me than a gnats ass.  So stand back…I am just learning how powerful these words of mine can be!

"Me" Paula Cole

It is all about the "pan"...

Ok…ok…ok…I can be an asshole.  Not terribly proud of this “skill” but I have been told by many that my asshole talents are spectacular.  But...it is good to know that when an occasion arises I do have the skills!

In my own defense, I find that by leaving my emotions, anger, preconceived notions, childhood beliefs and negative connotations out of the listening process,  I have the opportunity to “hear” another’s point of view.  This does not mean I will agree with it, however, I will concede that every opinion that is different than mine has the opportunity to change or modify my own thoughts.  It is my opportunity to learn and grow.  My considerable asshole-ness arrives when others refuse to extend the same courtesy.

Different opinions push us all to think beyond, they press us into growth and force us to look at our beliefs from a different and perhaps more reasonable point of view.  At the very least we must truly consider how and why we formed and hold onto the beliefs we do have.  I have told this story many times in class.  When any new idea comes along and my negative knee-jerk reaction begins to surface…I pinch myself and remember this story.

A mother and daughter are preparing a big family meal, and the mother reminds the daughter to cut off the end of the ham before she puts it in the roasting pan and then into the oven.  The daughter asks why do we cut off the end of the ham and her mother replies that is how my mother taught me to do it.  The daughter unsatisfied with her mother’s answer calls her grandmother and asks why do we cut the end of the ham off before it goes into the oven.   The grandmother replies, my roasting pan is small, when I cut off the end it fits just right into my roasting pan.

"Moma Told Me Not to Come"  3 Dog Night

The only way to survive is laugh...

It is all giggles and grins until it happens to me….Holy Crap!!  After a week of wicked muscle cramps, and I am not talking about “charlie horses” I am talking about full on there is some kind of demon inside of me twisting, squeezing, stabbing, cussing, crying and physically contorting every muscle from my toes right up to my armpits MUSCLE CRAMPs!  Those lower leg calf cramps I have had in the past, where I hopped out of bed and limped around my bedroom cussing in the dark trying to stretch that calf muscle until it let go and relaxed…… were NOTHING…those calf cramps were the piss ants of muscle cramps compared to these “mothers”!

So, Ed (my hospice nurse and after this week, aka as my personal hero) knew just what it was and how to make it stop.  I was sure that the only reasonable answer to stop this mess would be a lifetime supply of free-flowing muscle relaxers …surprisingly that was not the answer.  Clearly, the reason I am not in the medical profession!  The cure was as simple as doubling up on the potassium and orange juice!  Last night I stayed down until 3:30 am, which before this past week would be completely unacceptable, but last night it was a little bit of heaven to sleep uninterrupted and cramp free for that many hours!

There is a full on medical explanation for this crappy new set of circumstances that unfortunately make perfect sense… but I will not bore you with that, quite frankly it bores me…all I need to know is “make it stop”.  I am now at the point of this lousy situation that the “fix” for one set of problems is often responsible for setting off a whole other set of equally vicious problems. It is a variation of that old saying “damned if you do….damned if you don’t”  And I am here to tell you… the only way to survive is to laugh.

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

There is some good news....

I have always been a rather political animal and that may surprise most people.  But it began more than 40 years ago in Miami.  We the younger generation (aka the hippie generation) staged “sit-ins” to get the 18-year-old vote. Up until 1972, you had to be 21 to vote. The 18-year-old young men were being drafted to fight and die in Viet Nam but could not vote in the country they were protecting and supporting.  I love seeing the activism rise again, I suspect those that participate now will also be “bitten” with a lifelong interest in politics like I have been or I can hope so!  When I look at the 2016 election statistics and see that 46% + of registered voters did not vote my heart breaks but my anger rages too!

In this day and age, it appears that a good part of our population did not have a civics class in school or if they did have forgotten!  This all began with Trump campaigning on promises that he did not have the authority or power to implement.  But a good amount of voters were apparently unaware of the constitutional powers of a president and believed those false promises.  He is still spewing lies to the country via Twitter  (and an occasional press briefing).  There is still a major part of our population that does not understand what is and what is not in the presidential scope of powers.

I thank our founding fathers on a daily basis for devising a system of checks and balances.  They seemed to have known eventually somewhere in history a Trump would arise and we would need the legal tools to control power out of control.  And they not only placed a “backup" system in but devised a triple check just in case more than one branch of our government fails us.  Executive, Legislative, Judiciary

We are watching the absolute failure of the executive branch, with cabinet member after cabinet member being fired and or quitting for gross miss use of taxpayer money or just plain incompetence on an almost weekly basis. There are secret negotiations and defending the policies of known US enemies, the berating and public bashing of known allies and a constant barrage of embarrassing presidential statements that arrive daily via twitter proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does not understand how our government works. And I can safely claim enough doubt in this administration without having to dip into the personal behavior of the president with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, etc… The Executive Branch is unquestionably incompetent and at the very worst maybe downright corrupt.

Our first line of back up to prevent this kind of malfeasants is our legislative branch of Senators and Representatives.  Clearly, a vast amount of our Republican legislators have put their own political careers and re-elections behind the numerical popularity of the current administration.  They are ignoring the voices of their constituents and pandering to the president's whims and the corporate lobbyist campaign donations to hold on to the votes of the Republican base.  They have chosen money, party, and reelection over patriotism and what is good for the country.

Our last vestige of common sense is the Judiciary branch.  Against an onslaught of attempts to thwart their findings and shut down their investigations, they continue on.  I am now and will be forever indebted to their dedication to their jobs.  They seem to be our last line of finding the truth and restoring our honor.

However, there is one more check on this administration.  It is the biggest and best tool we have to make a change.  It is our voice and our vote!  only hope that they along with the 46% + that did not vote in the last presidential election I have to turn my finger around and point it at us.  We are ultimately responsible for this mess, but the good news is we also still hold the power to turn this around.   Mid-terms are around the corner ….Vote….

"Got to do Better"  Eric Bibb

Such an honor!

Overwhelmed and probably one of the luckiest people in the world!  I knew the City was doing an article about the summer AW exhibition but this is such an honor!  This great creative life has not only allowed me to generate an income (not millions but an income) I have met so many great amazing creatives and friends...it could not possibly get any better than this.....Such an honor!

Practice, balance and focus...optimism...I hope

I am trying…I am trying but it is not that easy anymore.  Not that it was ever that easy….but holy crap…today’s political climate makes practicing reckless optimism more difficult than ever!   The wholesale negativity that is constantly slathered over our country adds a whole new layer of crap to cut through on a daily basis. The only way I can balance this out, keep the negativity of it from swallowing me whole is to create more… I need to provide some balance in my world.  Practicing reckless optimism, for me, means practicing more, different, challenging creativity.  It is the only way I have to keep from suffering through some of the horrific politics and human rights atrocities in this country. I have to keep some kind of perspective these days.  I am certain I would be in a constant state of depression or would have “checked out” completely if I did not have the creativity to fall back on to keep me balanced and focused.  Who would have thought balance and focus would be the words I would use to describe creativity?  But in today’s politically volatile environment, it is.  Now I understand from a whole new perspective, how and why the Renaissance happened.  History does repeat itself, the only question is which period of history is repeating and has anyone been paying attention?

"No Other Way"  Jack Johnson"

We might all learn...

This one really bites.  I have to admit my level of frustration has hit an all-time high in these divisive times.  But at the risk of undoing this lovely sentiment…it is really not any of the #1  issues, although that is what we want to blame, that truly drives me crazy.  It is the sheer amount of ignorance or the unwillingness to listen that is truly the reason for this discord.  It is the use of “holier than thou” religion to justify misogyny, ignorance, and prejudice.  If you study carefully, you will come to understand that the true root of all of this world’s hate, evil,  and every single war throughout history always, always boils down to one or both of these two reasons, and typically they are found working together…GREED and RELIGION!  I suspect greed is an ugly part of human nature and will be a dark part of each of us, a part that we all need to recognize and understand how harmful it can be.  But I believe that religion (almost every religion) is the tool that fans the conflict and convinces us it is ok to politically control others through fear...  Religion is the vehicle that spreads greed and fear.  The intelligent examination of the issue and thorough consideration of love, peace, fairness, and human feelings will point you to the right thing for all people…not just you or your group of common believers.  Joining a tribe of “like minds” because it feels better just to be accepted and liked is never the right thing to do. This is the same mentality, the need to belong, that encourages the hate and violence of street gangs.  Trust the “good” that dwells in all of us, that recognize our differences and celebrate, uphold love and appreciate another's point of view.  That is when we might all listen and learn something loving.

"I believe in Love" Indigo Girls

no stopping this time....

I seem to be in this heinous stop…start…stop…start pattern.  Frustrating as hell!  I get some energy up (often chemically induced, but I really do not care where it comes from or how I get it) and have this tremendous need to begin…something!  House cleaning, sewing projects, creating in the studio anything!  There is so much I want to do and so little energy to do it.  I have tried the slowdown…”little bits at a time” program, it really is not my style but it may be the last and only choice I have if I want to keep being active and productive!  The “spoonie” program (refer to a few weeks back) helps with this but it does not come easy.  So I am just going to start…again…and not stop this time.

"Don't Stop Till You Get Enough"  M Jackson

What else can I do?

I do not think there is anyone that has had a big ugly life change that has not looked around and said “what did I do wrong?” or “what did I do to deserve this?”.  It is not fair…and if you believe in karma… well, there you go!  I deserved this.  Then there is a part of me that races back through my entire life to figure out what I did wrong.  Every bad judgment,  poor decision,  mistake, blunder, miscalculation and/or misstep roars into my head screaming at my heart…” you did this and now you will pay for it”!

Sadly the one thing I have learned through this process is there is nothing I can do now …to undo what I have done.  The only thing I get to do now is forgive myself and I do not think that will bring me much peace, but I will forgive myself anyway…..what else can I do?

"Same Mistake" James Blount

And...the lesson is...

Once upon a time…on social media, Facebook specifically, I posted a political opinion, not profane, not a particularly unprecedented idea but a political idea that I felt was worth repeating and expanding on.  The “trump trolls” (my personal and yes I know childlike name for the Trump supporters) arrived in mass and began verbally bullying, tormenting and haranguing …just like Trump himself.  My responses were respectful, clear and, founded in fact, their replies to me were negative, rude and wholly disrespectful of my opinion on my own Facebook feed. 

For a time,  I publically defended myself but to no avail, some of them are like rabid dogs and just do not let go or give up.  My solution was to just “unfriend” them.  The experience was really unpleasant and I decided to just not participate negatively or politically on Facebook anymore. The anti-democratic memes and unsubstantiated theories began to increase on my feed and I realized this may have been their original objective.  Perhaps that was the intent, to keep me and others from having free or opposing opinions and sharing them with others.  

I began to feel a little guilty, I mean am I being fair to myself if I only allow myself to participate,  hear and/or experience one side of an issue. I tiptoed back into political posts on Facebook and a whole new pack of  “trump trolls” began.  Again I tried to have a rational fact-based discussion, but this is not how they operate, they want to talk about the Clintons!  Really…with today’s volatile policies on immigration, foreign policy, and tariffs, they still want to talk about the 2016 election.  

And the lesson is: I will not withhold my opinions, they are as valid as anyone else’s.  If you care to have an open, thoughtful, positive dialog (even if it differs from mine), I am anxious to post,  listen and respond. However, if your purpose is only to bring up unrelated past issues, belittle and berate others that have differing points of view, I have an unfriend button and I am using it copiously.

"For What it's Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

On days like these...

Woke up this morning and really looked at me….saw the effects of the steroids are having on my physical body that was already way off the charts of normal…I do not need any help in the abnormal department.  I noticed all of the wrinkles and the gray hair (which I promptly took care of…thank you Loreal!) but the wrinkles and the round lumps and bumps I need to learn how to accept and maybe even love.  This video crossed my page, and it did make me feel a little better and I thought I should save it so I can easily look back at it on days like these.

When do we quit pointing fingers?

I may need my steroids adjusted …lol… feels like I am picking fights...all I can say is maybe it is better to grouse on the internet than at my family…All of that being said I would like to share a recent (yesterday) experience. 

At the end of last week, there was a Senate hearing with Chris Wray and Rod Rosenstein.  I confess I did not watch it all, only the highlights, but was absolutely amazed at how heated and non-statesmanlike the exchanges became…embarrassing even.  The bone of contention was about stopping the Mueller investigation and on some level impugning the investigative process and the Justice Departments work.  It was to that end, that I posted a meme on FB.  It was a picture of past politicians comparing the length of time they had been investigated and the number of indictments and convictions with the current Mueller investigations.  I thought it was an excellent way to compare and visually state the case that the current investigation has taken much less time, produced many many more indictments, and guilty pleas already and if nothing else that must clearly signify that continuing this investigation is important.  After all, if he is innocent there is nothing to worry about.

But NO…it brought out another hornet's nest of “Trump Trolls” whose only argument to anything that is happening politically is to march out the past administration actions as if that should excuse, explain and justify the abominable behavior that is going on in this administration. 

When do we quit pointing fingers and begin to work together towards positive solutions for real-life current political problems?  Open hearts and minds that confine discussions to current problems and solutions must prevail!

"Got to do Better"  Eric Bibb

But for now I have internet and I am crossing my fingers!

WARNING  
GROUSING AHEAD!                      I am back!  After being told it would be 4 days before CenturyLink technician, and this is the 7^th time in 6 months we have had to wait for days to have a repairman tend to a problem that could not be corrected by them “refreshing” our system from their office and that has worked on occasion. We decided it was time to change companies.  In this past year, I have taken advantage of “smart home technology with uses the internet.  We have Alexa placed in several locations throughout the house and I call (phone) via Alexa if I need help and cannot reach my phone.  And after passing out, (which has now become a part of this disease) we decided that a camera and a coded door lock would allow “Help” to get to me, even if I could not get to the door.  I also use it to turn lights on and off so I do not have to walk in the dark to get to the bedroom.  Yes, it is extravagant, but it gives me such peace of mind and allows me to stay as independent as possible for as long as possible. With such unreliable service, I explained that I  wanted to cancel them after 11 years (actually we have been with this company since 1978, but it has been bought out many times) CenturyLink replied I could not cancel them, I had a contract with them until 2019.  When I asked for a copy of that contract, I was transferred 3 times to a man that said it was a verbal contract and I had to have a court order to get a copy of it.  WHAT???? So I have opted to just not pay next month’s bill and return the equipment.  If necessary go to small claims court. That’s all!  And now I hope our new service provider has more consistent service.  But for now I have internet and I am crossing my fingers!

"All Right Now"  Free