life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Smashing stuff!

I have never broken anything on purpose.  Broken has always been a bad thing for me. It meant I would be sad, uncomfortable, late, and/or inconvenienced. And it always cost me more money than I had to repair it….so add financially destitute to this list.  
Who knew how great it would feel to smash plates with a hammer?  I have seen TV sit-com therapists advise their clients and show them how to hit things and other people (with those goofy pillow bats).  I thought maybe, it was more joke than any kind of real therapy….but now!  Now, I get it!  It feels great!  Of course, I would have to argue that the marvelous sound of broken glass is a huge part of the experience! The whole process of shattering plates and then reassembling them into something absolutely different was amazing for me.

Creating is one thing I have experienced many times before and it always feels good…but destructing before the creation can begin has been terrific and a very cool life lesson.  Maybe the universe was telling me to let go of, smash and destroy all of the life expectations I (and others) think I should have…and embrace the idea that becoming something totally new and different is going to take some deconstruction first. Instead of grieving…perhaps I need to celebrate the breaking and the changes and then go smash some more plates!  It really does feel good!
"Bottle (in the backseat)"  Broken Anchor

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