life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Smashing stuff!

I have never broken anything on purpose.  Broken has always been a bad thing for me. It meant I would be sad, uncomfortable, late, and/or inconvenienced. And it always cost me more money than I had to repair it….so add financially destitute to this list.  
Who knew how great it would feel to smash plates with a hammer?  I have seen TV sit-com therapists advise their clients and show them how to hit things and other people (with those goofy pillow bats).  I thought maybe, it was more joke than any kind of real therapy….but now!  Now, I get it!  It feels great!  Of course, I would have to argue that the marvelous sound of broken glass is a huge part of the experience! The whole process of shattering plates and then reassembling them into something absolutely different was amazing for me.

Creating is one thing I have experienced many times before and it always feels good…but destructing before the creation can begin has been terrific and a very cool life lesson.  Maybe the universe was telling me to let go of, smash and destroy all of the life expectations I (and others) think I should have…and embrace the idea that becoming something totally new and different is going to take some deconstruction first. Instead of grieving…perhaps I need to celebrate the breaking and the changes and then go smash some more plates!  It really does feel good!
"Bottle (in the backseat)"  Broken Anchor

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