life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

I Got Magical Shit to Do!


I have come to a spectacular conclusion!  The most amazing way to stave off and decrease the depression and symptoms of long-term terminal chronic illness is to be busy.  Now for the better part of my life, I took vacations from busy, so this intentionally busy is a bit counter-intuitive for me, besides I really do "slug" well!  Although this "stay busy" is not a foreign concept…I was not ready to embrace it.  Being “sick” was the perfect excuse to do nothing, like a never-ending vacation! In other words NO WORKING…But this is the flaw in that logic…In the past when I got sick there was an expectation of recovering. So resting and doing nothing is how I got better.  It is different with a terminal chronic illness, there is no recovery (and if you need to, go ahead and insert your miracle recovery story here).  I have to find a whole different approach to being sick.  It is no longer about healing…It is about living fully and living NOW within the confines of what I am physically able to do…and no one teaches us how to do that.  In many ways, I am so lucky….I am a maker, a creative, an artist. However, this may be a great place to point out that housekeeping, lawn care, and chores are not a part of my busy.  That is definitely nasty work and I will throw out the "I am sick" card everytime I think I can get out of crappy jobs and get away with it!  But creating…. oh how it challenges me…forces me to experiment...explore and learn.  It appeases my instant gratification addiction and it seems to give me some kind of self-importance (instead of that feeling that I am nothing more than a constant chronic drain on my family and its financial resources)   I am so deliriously happy that I got magical shit to do!
"Living in the Moment"  Jason Mraz

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