life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, April 11, 2018

83%...a C...Average

If I got a school grade it would be about an 83…a C…average…the story of my life….average. 

Making my bed. Who knew I would get points for making my bed…crap!  But for the points, I could do it.

Know Your Worth. I think this may be a trick question!  How do I figure this one out?  I do not think it is my financial worth…thank goodness.  But how the hell do you measure or feel your own worth?  Isn’t that something that will depend on what other people think or measure?   I wrestle with this one all of the time and still do not have it right.  I get all uppity and cocky and claim I am worthy only to have one person criticize or not give me the attention I need, like the internet/cable company people, the Post Office people etc. etc…and my self-worth is in the toilet and then I get hurt and angry.  It is a real work in progress.

Forgive Quickly. Forgiving it seems to be a 2 part process for me and I am missing part 2.  Forgiving part 1 is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake… and then part 2 is to go on with the relationship as it was before.  Part 2 is the part I fail at.  I mean I will forgive, part 1 but I am bad at giving anyone another chance to hurt me.  I am often accused of not being there emotionally, cutting people out, or not letting people in.  That is my armor…I cannot afford to be hurt again. I will never be ugly or rude to someone I have forgiven or bring up the past, but I will not put myself back in the position to be hurt or angry again.  I have learned my lesson.  I have got the forgive part, but I just cannot seem to forget.

Let go of what does not make you happy.  Well, I thought I was pretty good at this until I began going through closets this week and realized for the better part of my life I was holding on to memories by holding on to stuff.  I somehow thought that if I had something I could remember.  I would no longer use it or wear it, but I was not going to let go of it either.  I would even go so far as to purchase something just so I could assign a memory to it.  Letting go is a new experience for me, but I think the momentary pain will be worth the freedom from all of the stuff.
"What a Wonderful World"  ("I don't claim to be an A student")  Same Cooke

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