life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, June 19, 2015

My Wall

This is not the first, and not even the one hundred and first time I have made this mistake. I think mistake #34-B is more of a defense mechanism than a mistake, and it works for me because it  protects me so well. I build spectacular emotional walls and because it hurts others it becomes a mistake.  They think I am keeping them out because I do not love and trust.
I did not build my wall intentionally, but it protected my love and spirit so well that I kept building, I have built them for years. Inside my wall I am comfortable.  Inside my wall, I am in charge of my feelings.  Inside my wall I cannot be hurt.  Inside my wall, I get to decide who sees the parts of me that are broken. Inside my wall I can be scared shitless, angry as hell or frustrated beyond belief,  but on the outside my wall you will only see  the parts that are acceptable, strong, and healthy.  It is not a choice I consciously made, but I do now consciously recognize it.  It is the only way I know how to survive.  I admire those that can operate “wall-less” but I am not strong enough, I am too vulnerable to be without my walls.
Love me….love my wall.  I am too afraid to take the risk of taking down my wall…I am sorry, I just can’t.

"Perfect Girl"  Sarah McLachlan

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