life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, June 19, 2015

My Wall

This is not the first, and not even the one hundred and first time I have made this mistake. I think mistake #34-B is more of a defense mechanism than a mistake, and it works for me because it  protects me so well. I build spectacular emotional walls and because it hurts others it becomes a mistake.  They think I am keeping them out because I do not love and trust.
I did not build my wall intentionally, but it protected my love and spirit so well that I kept building, I have built them for years. Inside my wall I am comfortable.  Inside my wall, I am in charge of my feelings.  Inside my wall I cannot be hurt.  Inside my wall, I get to decide who sees the parts of me that are broken. Inside my wall I can be scared shitless, angry as hell or frustrated beyond belief,  but on the outside my wall you will only see  the parts that are acceptable, strong, and healthy.  It is not a choice I consciously made, but I do now consciously recognize it.  It is the only way I know how to survive.  I admire those that can operate “wall-less” but I am not strong enough, I am too vulnerable to be without my walls.
Love me….love my wall.  I am too afraid to take the risk of taking down my wall…I am sorry, I just can’t.

"Perfect Girl"  Sarah McLachlan

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