This is not the first, and not even the one hundred and
first time I have made this mistake. I think mistake #34-B is more of a defense mechanism
than a mistake, and it works for me because it
protects me so well. I build spectacular emotional walls and because it
hurts others it becomes a mistake. They think
I am keeping them out because I do not love and trust.
I did not build my wall intentionally, but it protected my
love and spirit so well that I kept building, I have built them for years. Inside my wall I am comfortable. Inside my wall, I am in charge of my feelings. Inside my wall I cannot be hurt. Inside my wall, I get to decide who sees the
parts of me that are broken. Inside my wall I can be scared shitless, angry as
hell or frustrated beyond belief, but on
the outside my wall you will only see the parts that are acceptable, strong, and
healthy. It is not a choice I consciously
made, but I do now consciously recognize it.
It is the only way I know how to survive. I admire those that can operate “wall-less” but
I am not strong enough, I am too vulnerable to be without my walls.
"Perfect Girl" Sarah McLachlan
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