This is not the first, and not even the one hundred and first time I have made this mistake. I think mistake #34-B is more of a defense mechanism than a mistake, and it works for me because it protects me so well. I build spectacular emotional walls and because it hurts others it becomes a mistake. They think I am keeping them out because I do not love and trust.
I did not build my wall intentionally, but it protected my love and spirit so well that I kept building, I have built them for years. Inside my wall I am comfortable. Inside my wall, I am in charge of my feelings. Inside my wall I cannot be hurt. Inside my wall, I get to decide who sees the parts of me that are broken. Inside my wall I can be scared shitless, angry as hell or frustrated beyond belief, but on the outside my wall you will only see the parts that are acceptable, strong, and healthy. It is not a choice I consciously made, but I do now consciously recognize it. It is the only way I know how to survive. I admire those that can operate “wall-less” but I am not strong enough, I am too vulnerable to be without my walls.Love me….love my wall. I am too afraid to take the risk of taking down my wall…I am sorry, I just can’t.
"Perfect Girl" Sarah McLachlan