life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Saturday, June 13, 2015

It didn't work, I had a lot of wine!

I said going in on Thursday…That the worst that could happen, is that he would say “NO” your heart is not strong enough.  And, I would be no worse off than I am now.  The reality was, I really wanted to have the security an ICD would bring to my everyday life. 

After sitting in an exam room, alone for an hour and a half…..he said “no”! He said “no” while patting my hand, saying the PET scan has possibly detected some “hibernating” previously thought to be dead muscle tissue.  All I have to do is consider bypass, re-vascularize that tissue and then he will consider the ICD. (I have been turned down for by-pass…twice, my arteries were in too bad of shape to create a viable graft)  When I explained that to him, which is precisely why I was here, his response was, “I am just the electrophysiologist I only deal with the electrical part of your heart, go see about getting more blood to your heart, then come back to see me in October and we will talk about an ICD then.  REALLY…????... son of a bitch!

I was sent to him because I could not have by-pass and he is sending me back to the cardiologist to HAVE by-pass.....  What the shit!  And that explains an entire bottle of wine and a not so good day after….ooooosh.  Why do they build up my hopes, send me running after elusive "fixes"?   A bottle of wine was the only thing that made sense, because none of this other stuff does! 
"Gravity" Sarah Barielles

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