life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Hope.... is nothing more than a roller coaster ride

My ups and downs recently have been wild and I wonder how much of my struggle and exhaustion are just the emotional roller coaster as opposed to my physical realities.
I have to get back on the ride again, but this time, to be quite honest, I think even they will agree, now….that we have hit the wall.  It is time to stop this wild and desperate ride, it is time to accept this reality and get down to the business of simple quality of life management. I did not ask for this, but when they told me there was something we could do….I found the strength courage (and cash) to go through it.  The reality is, I paid to have them cover their liability issues with my precious time, money and energy. They played the “hope card” and I willingly got on their ride, when deep down in my heart I knew what the outcome would be.  I need to listen to my own heart, Hope is the tool they use against me and it is a horrible thing. Hope is nothing more than a roller coaster ride and it is time for me to get off and start living my life again.

"If I Could Change the World" Eric Clapton
If I can reach the stars, Pull one down for you, Shine it on my heart
So you could see the truth: That this love I have inside is everything it seems.
But for now I find It's only in my dreams.
And if I can change the world, I will be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good, Baby if I could change the world.

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