I did....

If you know me at all, you know that I am a historical novel hound…mostly Tudor England, Renaissance Italy, and every once in while I am sucked into the Templar Legends.  I am always in awe of how some amazing writers can take a set of dates and circumstances and weave a story through them.  Then it is wild to see two-three- and often more stories using the same set of circumstances develop from the same set of accepted facts.  It is the only place where facts and fiction seem to literally “dance” together.  Now you know why I was so excited to see the movie “Mary Queen of Scots” that just opened. 

In my place, there are from day to day doubts about what I can and cannot do physically, and that is a huge emotional battle I have with myself!  Then I have a long history of “doing it for myself” so I do not have to depend on others.  This makes for one big-ass 2 part bitter pill to swallow!

But today…I did it!  I have never ever been to the movies by myself…and I did it.  I drove myself the back way (it was a morning show, who knew there was something earlier than an afternoon matinee) drug all of the flipping equipment, bought my own tickets and saw Mary Queen of Scots.  It was great, everything I hoped it would be, and I could see it again and again.  But this time I did it myself, and it feels better than just good…It is me...I am the one that needs to put my arms around my own life...and I did...

"Arms Around My Life" Janis Ian

Old Expectations...

A tin tree and a new use for the treadmill!  I am not giving up but I am giving in to the reality that my heart and energy levels just can no longer support some of my “want to’s”, “should do’s” and “what everyone else does”. After 40 + years of a home slathered with decorations, lights and a fully decorated Christmas tree I opted to save some of that time and energy that was spent on a traditional Christmas.  This little tree is perfect!  It is in the living room so I can see it all of the time (instead of the front room, where I only got to see it as I was coming and going).  And leftover green jingle bells whenever I have the need to just jingle….and then I have finally found a new use for the treadmill! The perfect place to stack the wrapped gifts!...but the outside lights and the 9ft Christmas Penguin are still up in the front yard…. somethings just have to be!

Yes, it is a different kind of Christmas, and it has already been so much better.  The kind I have always dreamed of with the time and energy focused on the best part of Christmas…friends, family, reflections on all of the wonderful Christmases past without driving myself crazy, making it perfect, being exhausted, frustrated and cranky!  Insisting on doing it the way “it should be done” and I have always done it in the past feels like the unseen and impenetrable barrier that kept me from all of the magnificent “new” out there waiting for me to experience. Letting go of

old expectations, making new for the amazing, simple and new! …Jingle…jingle…jingle

"Details in the Fabric"  Jason Mraz

Who knew that the path to having more (happiness) was in the act of letting go?

I know I have a couple more weeks before the official end of the year…but I was beginning to look back at what I did and did not accomplish!  Letting go seems to keep rising to the top of “feel good” accomplishments! 

It began when I took a class on cleaning and organizing.  As we paid off the mortgage on our 40-year-old home I looked around and saw 40 years’ worth of stuff.  Stuff that was not being used, although it HAD been loved, used, and used well, now it had become clutter.  It all held so many wonderful memories.  However, the clutter was becoming difficult to manage and was frustrating.  It was time to keep the memories but let go of the stuff, the stuff could be used by others that needed it, my memories live on without it.

 

The second “let go” lesson is negative people.  I know we all are negative from time to time, it is just human.  But I found there were people around me that seem to thrive in stagnation, chaos, and negativity. Again there are plenty of others that may appreciate the chaos but at this part of my life. It is not just frustrating and sad for me…it is physically and emotionally dangerous!  …I choose laughter, creativity, meaning, and growth…I am getting much better at letting go and I am becoming much happier!  Who knew that the path to having more (happiness) was in the act of letting go?

"Carry On"  Crosby Stills, Nash and Young

and that may be the best Christmas gift ever!

Yesterday….was the best family Christmas party ever and I am not being just nice!...

and I have thought a bit about why that is.  

Many things were just the same (same place, same people, eating, you know typical family Christmas stuff) and to be quite frank….I always went and always enjoyed but dear God how I worried and stressed beforehand. Were the gifts appropriate, would my kids stop and say thank you to the right person through the unwrapping frenzy, and please-please would they remember just 50% of the other manners I tried so desperately to instill?  Did I mention they were both boys and would celebrate and high five farts and burps?  Now if this was not neurotic enough throw in, have we dressed appropriately? (in this group that means no permanent stains), is my potluck dish good and/or big enough?, and then there were a lot of years that I just prayed our vehicle would get us there and back!  In other words, my Christmas mission was to show up, be the perfect family and leave without breaking anything or starting a family incident.  Enjoying myself or my family was nowhere on this list!  How does this happen?

This year was so different.  Of course, it has been a few years and there is some wonderful “payback

”!  Now, I get to watch my boys outside chasing their own kids and repeating chronic instructions to say thank you and excuse me. It is some validation that some (not all) of the manners we preached to our boys “took”.

We deviated from one of the “main event” plans!  Instead of individual gifts for each of the kids, I mean the years ago, 5 dollar limit had long since gone.   We (my sisters and I) decided it was a Christmas Party. Christmas Party favors and activities would be kid appropriate!  Although if you added up what was spent to buy all of the stuff for the Piñatas, we may have way overdone it! But oh my how fun it was to buy all of that “junk”!  Here is the thing, we were a bit nervous about whether the Piñata would work, I mean they have been here every year…they do have some serious gift expectations! But the Piñatas were a hit, all of them from age 2 to 15 they were in there laughing, whacking and scrambling through the loot…This may be the time to mention that some of the “loot” in the Piñatas really was “loot”,  it kind of insured high participation from all levels and ages! But it was so fun to watch and boy were they engaged in the whole thing….all of them!  Whew!!!  It worked!

So the kid’s manners and my gift purchasing/giving was no longer in the mix to worry about, and the vehicles do seem to be more reliable, the only thing to stress about was the potluck and the clothes with no stains. This year instead of making a dish I thought everyone else would like, I made what I liked… then….if no one liked it, I had some great leftovers that I wanted to bring home myself.  And the stainless clothes well…who cares now!

For the first time, really the first time I looked around and realized…THIS---THIS is fun, this is how a family Christmas party should be, I really had a great time…or maybe I am finally at a place that I do not worry or give a “rats ass” about what others are thinking or I will admit that “perfect family” performance, I was so sure was necessary, never really worked anyway! …. and that may be the best Christmas gift ever!

FA-LA-LA-LA

aka "Deck the Halls" Mannheim Steamroller

Actually...NO CHANCE!

After weeks of personal political peace, there was a small but obvious eruption of opinionated white males.  These men seldom if ever have anything to say to me (online) until I post or agree with another’s negative opinion about the current president or ponder out loud how professed Christians can continue to support him.  No one will ever change my mind or make me feel that the disgusting cruel behavior and the spiteful threat in the White House can ever be justified. Why in the world do they think they have the responsibility of convincing me I am wrong?  I have never questioned or objected to their views on their personal pages!  I honor and respect their opinions by NOT reacting to their viewpoints.  I expect the same. I have no intent or obligation to listen to anyone use another’s behavior (Clinton) or a booming economy as a way to rationalize, convince and/or support through their silence the horrendous behavior of the indefensible. There can NEVER be justification for intentional cruelty and deceit!  

                     
"Imagine" Playing for change compilation

Unlearning and discovering!

Remembering who I was “before the world got its hands on me” just sounds like the most amazing place to be.  I am not certain I know exactly where that time in my life that may have been.  But I do remember times as a teenager that I had such energy, courage and dreams.  I recall the short spurts of time when the highs were so high, but the lows were horribly low, too.  Each time there were highs it was because I broke the rules, felt free and imagined how perfect the rest of my life could be if only the restrictions were off of me.  Perhaps that was a taste of “before the world got its hands on me”.  

Returning to me will be less about remembering and more about unlearning and discovering.... and this time…I will not let anyone or anything get its hands on me!

"Take you Higher" Sly and the Family Stone

a whole new meaning....

Every now and again a friend or acquaintance, one that does not know me well, will come across the newest  "snake oil"....cardiac meds or therapies they have tried or seen on the internet.

Everything from shooting electrical currents through me to ingesting hydrogen (h2) bubbles.  I appreciate that they want to help, but I have learned the hard way, that people with terminal illness (which by the way is all of us, no one gets out of here alive!) are scared to death of death. 

They….we….I….become desperate to the point of doing anything at any cost to avoid it…It has been my experience that they are all costly, emotionally painful and for the most part, the only thing they really accomplish is separating me from my money.  The end result will ultimately and always be death.  How much quality time can anyone buy? How much is it worth?  Although it is incredibly interesting to me…that the most religious believers of the perfect afterlife, the heaven that each religion defines as its own idea of perfection, are typically the ones that fight hardest to NOT go there.  Accepting death is just a part of life can be the most freeing thing any of us can do for ourselves.  Truly understanding that there may be “something somewhere incredible waiting to be known” takes on a whole new exciting meaning

"Closer to Fine" Indigo Girls

Participating

This has always been a “no-brainer” quote…it gets a little tricky when we are the ones that have to figure out what the word “participate” means.  This week I have learned that there is a whole new way of participation…It is NOT PARTICIPATING! Life has placed several choices in the past few days that I have had to make deliberate choices or take specific actions to do the “right” thing…but I am learning that the right thing and the thing that is better for me… may not always be the same.   And that is not what I was ever taught!!

It took thought, love, and tears to not participate.  I have learned that participating relentlessly might mean making the choice to NOT participate at all.  Actually, it is about recognizing circumstances that I have no control over, and understanding me wanting it to be different does not change the reality.  Learning to accept the things that I cannot change and hopefully I become changed for good.

"For Good"  from Wicked

my way of thinking....

We all have our ups and downs!  But there are some that seem to choose the downs, although I have no idea why.  I suspect we have all had times that the downs have come rolling over us and the act of preparing for them and protecting ourselves becomes automatic.  Maybe they are in a constant state of anger and fear…I am not certain, but it does break my own heart to watch some really choose to make themselves miserable because they have just forgotten how to be grateful or to see all the great gifts they have.

I was given the opportunity to get back in touch with an estranged family member through a friend.  I am sure I could have done that at any time, but it would have taken some effort on my part, and I have just not done it. It was just his overwhelming negativity that not only consumes him but that he seems to have chosen to live in and then expects others to remedy.  His life has a repeating history of devastating the lives of those that come into his orbit.  There is some part of me that would like to be back in touch with fond memories of the past, make peace and say goodbye.  Other parts of me are afraid I will be pulled into that destructive orbit and I am frightened I do not have the additional time and energy needed for that.  And so…it may be all about “my way of thinking”.

I am choosing a happy life and old fond memories.

"Galileo"  Indigo Girls

SNIFFFFF.....

In the late 90s the boys were on their own and the wonderful family holiday ritual marching from Christmas tree lot to Christmas tree lot choosing and then having a family vote on the perfect Christmas tree had fallen by the wayside.  We did what I suspect most old parents do, and that was to replace the yearly ritual with a small “fake” tree.  The boys were absolutely disgusted with me for following such a traditional ho-hum old people path…but in my own defense, it was easy!  It was that very first year of “fakeness” that I discovered although the tree was cute and easy…it had no smell.  There were a few years I tried to fake it with candles and sprays….and yukkkkkk! So when this gift of a live wreath appeared…I quickly decided not to do the expected and hang it outside on the front door…but to hang it inside and have this wonderful smell inside again this year!  Big SNIFF!!!!!  AUGHHHH…..

"It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas"  Michael Buble'

Filling these stockings!

Sounds so easy….NOT!  As long as we “tow the line” or do not “make waves” this is easy, but step outside the lines and look out.  They do not come right out and say it, ( I think it is because they think I am sick and dying) but I can see and feel the disapproval!  What I really need to do is figure out how to use this to my advantage…I could get away with all kinds of great stuff!   BWA-HA-HA-HA!  Look out!  I am going to have a great time filling these stockings!

"All the Right Moves" One Republic

pesky side effects...

…and sick of being sick…although I have to say, this is really not like being the kind of sick I have always typically thought sick was.  Sick typically came on violently, I would feel like crap, could not do anything for several days, but then after some medical intervention or just time (as the illness would just run its natural course), it would get better.  This is different!  Yes, there is medical intervention but it never gets better, only not as bad, as fast…so basically I am just bitchy and sick of being sick…the underwear and responsibilities are just pesky side effects. 

I just have to continue to remind myself that as frustrating as this is, I am one of the very lucky ones. Severe or chronic pain is not a big part of this….for that, I am very grateful!

"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"  Bee Gees

Scared the be-jesus out of me!

When you have a long-term chronic illness, typically big ugly symptoms do not just pop up… those buggars are much more insidious.  They creep up in small increments that are barely noticeable, then all of the sudden, they are evident and frustrating.  But yesterday….holy crap yesterday…while doing just some regular stuff I had a “MOTHER” of all… shortness of breath assaults…I could not breathe, simply leaning over to put away a basket of coat hangers in the bottom of my closet and boom. It was worse than any I have ever had, (or could have even imagined)  and of course, then there was sheer panic!...that never helps!  So I go into recovery mode….while I can…. “Hurry… O2 on…lay down….NO do NOT lay down…that made it worse…sit back up…try to take in slow deep breaths…not happening…nitro under the tongue…thoughts zooming through my head….is this it? Do I call someone, OMG can I even call someone. “ Panic is such an ugly thing….then I recognized the panic and tried to just calm down concentrate/meditate on my breathing… finally, I was getting air….Cannot tell you if it was the nitro, the meditation or the damn attack just ran its course…but it finally ended.

This morning when Ed came, my O2 is back to normal 99%...but apparently leaning over with that little bit of exertion set off what looks like is just another part of rather normal and expected heart failure crap.  I need to recognize the events that make this happen and then learn how to control that suspect activity….AUGHHHH!  Me and the word “control” that is never a good thing!

"What's Going On"  Marvin Gaye

Waiting is always the hardest part!

It feels like I have spent so much of my life “waiting”!  I know…I know …there are some things you just cannot rush….but then I think there are other times that I should have definitely NOT been patient, tolerant, or understanding…Maybe I should have stamped my foot, slammed the door, hollered louder to assert myself and make my point.

…and then along comes an evening like last night, where we anxiously waited with an excited little one for the arrival of Santa to drive by with a Firetruck…The “drive by” lasted a total of 5 seconds, and that is being generous, but when I think back…but the real joy was in the excitement of waiting.  There was so much joy in the anticipation.  That exquisite delight has always been available to me.  Perhaps the joy of anything may very well be directly related to waiting and anticipation I just need to be able to see it.

"Do You Beleive in Magic"  Lovin Spoonful

There are times that I stand up for myself…I am still desperately looking for the balance necessary to maintain my life and independence and not hurt people’s feelings that want to help.  I am not good at it yet…but I am working on it. Then there is the political thing and the religious thing, which for the most part in the past I would just knuckle under to preserve the peace.  What I know now is that every time I preserved the peace for others, I denied my own opinions and another little piece of me died or worse made me angry with myself for being so weak.  It ate up my self-esteem.  Keeping the peace of others has cost me dearly! But now there is something in the air and I need to love and take care of me…but it still sounds so selfish...

"Something in the Air"  Thunderclap Newman

willing to burn...

I spent so many years trying to be something I was not, conforming to all of the social rules.  When I failed, which I did on a very regular basis, I would be hurt and angry.  I did not understand that I always had a choice, I never had to “behave“ or do what they told me to do, of course, that does not now or ever give me the permission to deliberately hurt someone else, but it also means I do not give them the permission to hurt me either.  I was led to believe that if I was a good mother, good Christian, good wife, good homemaker that I would be happy.  It does not now….nor has it ever worked like that.  I felt guilty, not good enough, everything was my fault that what they told me did not work.  They were wrong…all I ever had to be was be the best I could be, make horrendous mistakes and say I am sorry, then start again.  I just needed to be me and not care what others thought! I wish I had been willing to burn much earlier in my life. If I could pass anything down…that would be it…be you….regardless of what they tell you… be willing to burn for what you love.

"Ooh La-La" (wish I knew what I know now....when I was younger)  Rod Stewart

...one does not exist without the other!

I have to admit, contrary to this quote, there have been times I discredited my own gut instinct. If I had always listened, and/or obeyed that first knee-jerk instinct, there would have been so many things I would never have done…art shows, gallery exhibits, teaching etc…etc.
…Some of those first-time instincts were screaming…wrong, failure, they are going to laugh, you are breaking the rules! But...there is an instinct that has just as much power. It is the power that keeps some directed, focused, hungry and often times willing to sacrifice anything to reach it. I suspect “instinct” or “want” or “direction” or “passion” is the magic ingredient that must be present. It is the part of your gut that sees the possible failure but is willing to risk that failure to learn. I have watched absolutely, unbelievably, incredibly talented people go on in life… but thoroughly frustrated and stuck. They have such amazing “tools” but somehow are missing the instinct or passion to risk failure to bring those talents to complete fruition. I often wonder if it is that frustration that pushes someone to turn back into a specific religion or someone else’s beliefs and immediately inhibit their own abilities to grow and develop all of their own magical potentials.

What I learned is MY GUT INSTINCT was the combination of other people’s/religion/ beliefs desires for me mixed with a very small part of my own…When I was able to separate what were my wants and needs and what were other institution’s and people’s expectations of what I should want and need, I finally began to experience my own desires and passions. So many become married to tradition and other people's acceptance, and will never understand, but some…you might know them as the great artists, musicians, mathematicians, physicists (those that broke the established rules) and so on that will continue to astound and inspire human potential and creativity. They are the evidence that each of us has that same power.  I will never discredit my gut instinct again, but I listen carefully and long enough to hear both sides of instinct... the fear and the passion..knowing they must both be present.... that one does not exist without the other!

"And Your Bird Can Sing"  The Beatles

Moon Child

I do not think after all of this time, there is anyone that does not already know how I love full moons!  They never fail to amaze me, excite me and make me feel full of miraculous energy. There are all kinds of reasons this may be, everything from some seriously scientific explanations to some really airy-fairy ones.  It really does not matter to me!  Whatever magic it is…it is significant and has been acknowledged, celebrated, entire civilizations have built around it and honored it with countless creative works.  I need no serious answers just a beautiful regular reason to celebrate life…I am a moon child…

"Moon Dance" Van Morrison

Turkey Day memories....(aka things I have done to NOT cook on Thanksgiving!)

Long ago and far away…sometime in the early 1990s, Philadelphia, and long before I had enough smarts to say NO, I had an up close and personal experience with the Thanksgiving day parade!  Yep, me and 10 other grown-up idiots and a160 member high school marching band that my son was part of!

There isn’t a Thanksgiving….that memories do not come flooding back as one of the most harrowing experiences of my life.   160 Florida teenagers on the Philly streets at 6:00 AM in 30-degree snow flurries for a 9:00 AM parade. We were woefully unprepared, extremely underdressed and I can truly list this as among the top 3 coldest I have ever been in my life!

I used to sit and watch the parades on TV with the kids as they marched around the coffee table with my upside down pots playing them like snare drums with my cooking spoons.  It was so fun to see them march in their own parade!  It made even me, excited about experiencing the “real” thing when the opportunity arose many years later.

However, once you have been a part of the organized craziness of lining up a huge televised parade with all of those bands and floats in the worst circumstances ever…all I can say is…I now know why they invite different marching bands each year…no one…and I mean no one would voluntarily return.  It is one of those Thanksgiving day experiences that you mark up to…glad I did it..the band kids had a blast...but…this is the goofiest thing I ever did to not cook on Thanksgiving!

A thanksgiving day parade...

Give thanks doing what you do best (no kitchen required!)

There are some women and most men that have been born and survive daily without the desirable “cooking gene”. Science has not yet unraveled the mysterious set of circumstances that prevent the cooking gene from developing in the normal human being. This DNA anomaly is a lifelong condition that literally millions of people live through daily! The most glaring evidence of this condition is an irrational fear of the kitchen, followed by panic outbreaks in grocery stores and an inability to follow recipes. For those of us living daily without the cooking gene…..Cooking is another horrifying household chore, just one-step above cleaning the toilet.

You can only imagine how terrifying Thanksgiving is for women (and most men) that suffer with “NCG” (no cooking gene) of an entire annual holiday that is dedicated to cooking. Yes, they tell you that it is about giving thanks and being grateful, but that is a clever ruse. It is about cooking and eating! So where ever you are, whatever you are doing I hope you will enjoy it, do it well and give thanks in the way that you do best (no kitchen required)!

"Honky Tonk Women" Rolling Stones

Strategically calculated misbehavior!

This is not to say that I do not do significantly stupid stuff now, but just not quite as bad as in my teens where I could have quite possibly been walking a fine line of legality and I am not even going to broach the moral and social issues!    I cannot imagine how any young person escapes unscathed in today’s world of everyone knows everything!  My saving grace may or may not have been moving out of the area, getting married at 21 and no internet!

I left home the night of my high school graduation because I just could no longer stand the gossip hounds, busybodies, and the know it all’s of a small town.  I did not run far, but I did run to a larger metropolitan area where I was completely anonymous, there was some culture (although at the time not much, but more than where I came from) and I am ever so grateful for living in a more educated politically “blue” area….but the buggars all still have internet and misbehavior has to be strategically calculated…that is....if I do not want to get caught!

"Good Girl"  Julian Moon

or, in my case the "wine" person

Or in my case, the “wine” person!  Thanksgiving has never been one of my favorite holidays…well, let’s call a spade a spade…I absolutely detested Thanksgiving.  I never ever understood how me working all day in the kitchen, which I hate and am bad at could possibly be classified as a holiday…cooking, serving, cleaning and then going to work the next day…big fun…NOT! But for years and years and years, I did it with a smile on my face.  Nowadays…going out to dinner or to someone else’s home with a bottle or 2 of wine is a much much better definition of a Happy Thanksgiving! So lucky to have grown children close by...it is a wonderful thing...and I am free of cooking Thanksgiving Dinner!

"I'm Free" Imagine Dragone

That simple...

That may explain it better than most!  Unfettered by rituals, rules, and regulations that were designed for social, political and religious structures that are thousands of years old, a spiritual person is free from the irrelevancy of archaic rules.  Free to follow their hearts and love.  It is just that simple…


"Peace be Upon Us" Sheryl Crow

The "what-if's"

Breathing is a good thing… 2 weeks of wheezing and hacking are finally ending!  Holy Crap!  Each time I have these fairly routine rounds of pneumonia they get harder and harder to whip!  This time it took 2 rounds of antibiotics and upping the steroids.  The great news is that I have a nebulizer (which we doubled) and Oxygen at home.  The equipment and weekly nurse visits keep me out of the hospital, and that is the best thing! Hospice is awesome!

It feels great to just feel good again and so looking forward to taking some of my life back!  On the “damned if you do-damned if you don’t” program we have decided to keep the steroids at a higher dosage.  They do seem to make my life stronger but they come with a “what if” kidney side effects down the road price and more of an immune system compromise.  But the risk is worth it!  This choice is an easy one for me (and apparently easy for the docs, too).  It is all about life NOW…having the best most productive life I can get right now…After years and years and years of the “deny pleasure, patience is a virtue, wait, save” program, it feels kind of strange to work from an opposite point of view…but it also really does feel kind of good, and I find myself wondering why I did not think this way much earlier in life, not all of the time….but more of the time… I think I would have been much happier!

"Good Life" One Republic

"voice of reason"

Kind of what happened yesterday!  I have been struggling with a raunchy infection in my lungs, just breathing has been a challenge for more than a week now….ahughhhh!  The first round of antibiotics brought some relief but it did not take long for the symptoms to return, coughing and breathing even more difficult, and beginning to involve my head and ears this time.  When Ed came first thing yesterday morning and after the standard poking and prodding…announced your lungs are clearer, but we have a long way to go.  NO SHIT!  Dr. EVANS….me…. recommended another round of antibiotics and increase the steroids I am over this and so ready to be done.  After Ed spoke to the real doctor…we are going with more antibiotics and upping my daily steroids….yikes…following my recommendation!  Could be trouble! When I am the voice of reason....

"Die Trying" Dave Matthews

I am ashamed....

My heart is broken and my embarrassment is even worse. I am ashamed of Florida’s political ignorance. Mortified by the white people and money myopia, as a racist prepares to ascend to governor and Medicare con man goes to Washington, I wonder what has happened to people’s honor?  Although, how much more should I expect from the land of “The Villages”, Willis McCall and bible thumping trumpian Christians?  It does feel like am flying a whole new flavor of racism, and maybe I am.... but do we no longer hold people accountable for their actions?  I guess the new rule is to do what you want if it feels good, if it gets you what you want, blame others, lie, cheat, and steal. It does not matter if it is right or wrong.  Are honorable and decent the tenets that only apply when they are convenient?  The one thing that brings some comfort, is the Democrats became the majority of the House and it is returning the country to a 2 party system and a quote by a CNN reporter. “We no longer have a one-party rule - now there are more female, younger, warmer, browner, Muslim,  Native Americans in office.”

"Time Has Come"  The Chambers Brothers

The worst it can do is suck!

The weather is a bit cooler; I have literally done NOTHING for almost 2 weeks…It was time!  The little outside grill sits on this small counter height old table.   Years of being outdoors and having a hot “drippy” little gas grill have really taken a toll on the wood top. It seemed kind of silly to refinish the wood but some old tile, broken plates and grout put a new face on it.  Feels good to do something…even if is bad!

"Light On"  Mark Ballas

Oh...I have been playing with new watercolor crayons.....

Maybe next time asking for help will not be so damn hard!

For my northern friends...the only way I know it is fall in FL when the
grocery store pastes construction paper fall leaves in the produce department.
These are REAL FALL LEAVES!

And just about the time, I think maybe, just maybe I might be getting a tiny grip on what this journey and dying is about…it slips away from me.  The most magnificent friends and family have offered and have asked me to call if I need help….and I have promised that I would let them know when I need it…but then it occurred to me that I cannot let them know when I need help, because quite frankly, most of the time, I do not know myself.

So when she called and asked… I said yes…I did not want to say yes. I am afraid to need help, to give up any of my independence. “Help” to me feels like being weak, or quitting, or not being good enough.  And OMG I hate it.

But today may have been the best thing I have done in such a long time!  She picked up my groceries, the one thing I really was not supposed to do, but then she brought me homemade leftover roast beef, fresh green beans and carrots and roasted potatoes…so so good and some great REAL FALL “turning” leaves from up north. One of my “Bucket List” trips to see the leaves turn, that I screwed around and waited too long to do!  She taped the leaves to my front window and “poooof” Fall is here!…. Thank You, A….you made my day!  Maybe next time asking for help will not be so damn hard!

"Summer Song"  Chad & Jeremy

still.....fearless

So I apologize....this is a re-run from 2013...and I just really needed some fucking fearlessness to fight another round of pneumonia.  Fought like a crazy woman to keep it at bay...and I lost....so I have to depend on this spectacular body and another round of antibiotics to prove to me and the world I am stronger and better than this...and I am still laughing, living, loving, creating, dancing (well that may be questionable) and still incredibly, wonderfully, magically grateful for this life...I am not done yet!

The world does not expect me to be happy, powerful and loved.

I take away the power of unrealistic and false expectations,
every time I smile, giggle 

and do something I am not supposed to do!

Laughing, living, loving, creating, dancing
and incredibly grateful every day!

fucking  fEaRLeSs…..

"All Star"  Cover by OrtoPilot

Time for my sacred pause...

Have no idea who the author is, it just arrived on my FB page.  It was just the message that I needed today.  Sometimes struggles sneak up on me when least expected.  It was detected yesterday and today it is a whopper.  There are pieces and parts of me that my heart just struggles to support and it just takes one little blip in the program to throw everything off!  So today I have got some wonky lungs and the nebulizer is on double duty, the hopes of cutting down the prednisone are nixed and we are back on the heinous lockdown program….Damn, I hate when this happens…It just must be time for my sacred pause…

"When Angels Cry"  Janis Ian

and it sold! 
It has been so exciting to be a part of this charity art auction!  One local artist wanted to “do something” to help some of the incredible devastations of Hurricane Michael…and so he invited 173 artists to join him and we began a week-long online auction with the hopes of raising $20,000….As of this afternoon 3 days in…we just hit $80,000.00.  It is just amazing how wonderful people can be even in the midst of the political stink we all seem to be stewing in.  And on top of that, my art ego was in dire need of a little kick in the ass.  I have spent the best part of my life creating and selling art.  I loved it! As that part of my life has come to an end, …so have my own feelings of self-worth.  This was so nice to have my work sell again…to feel validated again as an artist, to be who and what I love.  This did so much good in ways that I did not expect…and it is truly wonderful!

"Belly Belly Nice"  Dave Matthews Band

I have created something!

I do not know how to say it any better. It does not matter what happens now,  I have been given the amazing gift of knowing that I created something…I created a whole bunch of somethings and every single one of those somethings was nothing more than my heart singing how happy it was… that is why I am here!

"Shaking the Tree"  Peter Gabriel

Any day now…you could be in my shoes!

I will not vote for one single Republican, because every single Republican voted against me (except one, and unfortunately he died).

When some of you ask why am I so involved in this election? It is because the quality of my life literally depends on it.  I have a pre-existing

health problem and am an ACHA (Obama Care) Insurance participant.  It is the only insurance that will cover me, and I pay dearly for it, well over $400 per month that is estimated to go up to over $500 a month if it stays the way it is.  I am not complaining about the cost, although I would love for it to not cost so much.

I rarely share publically that I am in end-stage heart failure, in hospice care and my insurance pays for their amazing, loving, supportive palliative care!  If the Republicans win…and impose their current health care proposals it means I will have a much more painful difficult medically unsupported and harder death…it is that simple.  It is that ugly.  The quality of my life depends on my insurance and hospice...and every living Republican Senator voted against me.

Any day now…you could be in my shoes!  So I vote with and for my heart! I hope you will, too!

"Heart of a Hero" Cathy Heller

Not While I am the Queen!

I have recycled this one from my FB page...but thought it was worth posting again....

So….I am thinking there may be some that still do not understand how my Facebook page works. In the real world, I have very little control over what happens to me now.  But Facebook is NOT the real world…This page is “Facebook Cheryl Land” and I am the absolute queen and ruler of all that I and others post here! I am not a newspaper or TV network required by law to give equal time to all sides.  If you choose to be negative, combative, pessimistic, caustic or just plain disagreeable on my page… I will delete… I choose for my page to be positive, constructive, encouraging, peacefully active and just a little deliciously witty wicked anytime I think I can get away with it.  The one thing I have learned… above all, is that I have never solved one problem in my life with fear, hate and/or negativity and will not allow it to begin here or now!  Not while I am the queen!

"Think"  Aretha

So Damn Easy

Most of the time carrying their expectations and their beliefs had become such a habit; I did not even realize how much crap I was carrying around. Nor did I realize how important it was for some of them to convince me that their way was the right way or the only way.  I know now…  I do not have to defend me, I do not have to convince them. I do not need a team or a congregation.  I just have to be me….why do we make it so hard….when really …It is just so damn easy.

"Wonderful Unknown" Ingrid Michealson

I am peaceful but I am NOT powerless!

Quite frankly, it took about all I had to screw up my courage and unfriend then post like yesterday. I really do want to be the one that everybody likes! 

Yesterday’s unfriendings included a family member and  Artist Way tribe members. They know me and deliberately posted very negative remarks anyway. It would have been one thing if they publically posted “I disagree with you” and here is why… but that was absolutely NOT what was done.  My space was used to spread their (or in this case others) fear and negativity. It was an unbelievable display of how powerful and ugly negative can be, as I really do not think this is how these people really are, but then maybe I am wrong. But they were negative words in my space...My heart was squealing…standup …do not let them use me and my space to spread this!

I do not expect nor do I want everyone to agree with me.  Dear god what a boring world that would be!  But I do not expect anyone to deliberately be ugly or rude because they do not agree with me either.  It boils down to simple honor and respect for another’s ideas, especially when they do not harm. I am not tidy, predictable, or holier than thou but I am not powerless either.   

"Take Me As I Am"  Mary J Blige

The marvelous UNFRIEND tool....

AHHHHH! another “Trumpian” election season!… and I just unfriended 3 more…


I truly have no time or life to waste on the people that choose to spew political negativity. If you do not like what I have to say, you are not required to respond. Please feel free to ignore me, delete me, unfriend me, snooze me for 30 days…to be honest I have done that many times to many of you…

However, please note, that I have always respected your opinion and have never ever posted anything negative on your page…

If you cannot value or respect my opinions with dignity, Facebook has given me a marvelous tool, UNFRIEND. I have learned how to value myself, my life, my time, and my glorious happiness by using it. 

I prefer to fill this little corner of my life with intelligent dignified people, that can respectfully share real difficulties and ideas. They are filled with positive energy, life-affirming, problem-solving discussions, and unbelievable open-mindedness mixed with a little outrageous wicked humor whenever we think we can get away with it! I am so very grateful that there are more of you in my life….Thank you!

"Reach Out in the Darkness" Freinds & Lovers

More than just regular old undiagnosed bipolar....It's friggen' Multi-polar!

At least once a year, I feel the need to pay homage to what I feel must be my 432^nd round of undiagnosed multi-polar-ness. It is so much more than just BI-polar, it is the full round of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief!  The book does not explain that you will go through these steps again and again and again if you have a long terminal illness. Successfully working through all of the steps once, only offers temporary quasi-nirvana… it never ever sticks!  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance run their way through my life on an almost routine recognizable basis.  I will celebrate and revel in acceptance each time I get to that point, only to find that after a while “acceptance” is friggen’ depressing, at which point I choose denial to pull me through the depression….and there you go…I am off on another round of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief!  I guess as an artist, I see no particular value in doing these steps in the prescribed order, so the bargaining and anger, are dealt with as they arrive but I do recognize them and I do have to work through those damn buggars again and again too!

"On a Carousel" The Hollies

That hits me the hardest....

WHINING WARNING!

The things, whatever the hell they are, fly into my life, out of left field, kick my feet out from under me and while I am still laying on the floor wondering what the hell just happened, those damn things disappear and I am left in a rumpled mess of fear and pain.  And believe it or not…it is not the mess, the fear or the pain that makes it so bad, it is the least expected feeling of overwhelming exhaustion that it leaves behind that hits me the hardest. 

"Death With Dignity"  Sufjan Stevens

Holy Crap!

I have no idea about what that specific magic shit is…I just know somewhere in my heart I am supposed to do it. And to make it worse I do not know magic!  All I know is that I am compelled to keep writing about this.  I always thought it was more about me, getting things out of my head and seeing my thoughts become tangible in written words.  Almost makes it easier to figure out really difficult thoughts and problems!  It used to be, that I did not share this blog with anyone, I mean it was on the internet but I did not announce it….and a lot of people found it anyway.  It is much easier now.

I do not care what people think of me anymore…

Holy Crap!….. You know what? ……..

That might be MY MAGIC!

"Magic Bus" Hollies

Being me...

I will not be what anyone else thinks I should be.  I will not allow anyone or anything to take my power from me.  My power exists in my heart and my soul, not what other people think of me!  I do not have to agree with anyone if I do not feel it is right. That is the only explanation needed.  And if I happen to be wrong, which it might very well be, then that is my choice, I am responsible for my thoughts, opinions, and actions and I am willing to suffer the consequences. I no longer need to listen to others points of view unless I deem it necessary for my own knowledge and growth.  So I will continue to allow or delete people, comments, statements, posts into my life that are positive, factual, truthful and uphold not only my power.  I am taking my power back! Oh...and I got on that Orlando Eye...rode it to the top and I win!  I am not afraid!

"Living in the Moment" Jason Mraz

...a box of Depends before I go!

The first thing you all need to know is that I am scared to death of heights!  Not long ago I spent a very scary few days on one of the top floors of a downtown hospital recovering from open heart surgery.  It was definitely not a “stress-free” environment as far as I was concerned and my entire focus was to get out of there.   Out of my very high and very huge picture window, I could see most of Orlando and way out to I-Drive.  A great view…unless you are afraid of heights, which meant I stayed on my side of the room, never getting close to that damn window!  From my safe side of the room, I spent quite a bit of time watching this thing turning slowly and muttering to myself….who the hell in their right mind would pay to get on that thing? 

Well today, the answer is me.  In the last few weeks (and I suspect from now on) a good part of this life is going to be about battling fear.  I was coached by my amazing hospice nurse Ed, to not waste my energy fighting the disease (which seems to be what everyone wants me to do) and I will admit, it is frustrating to fight day in and day out and still watch my body losing the war. But I need to live and learn how to make the most of what I have!  This week I decided that fighting this disease is a futile battle, but fighting the fear that surrounds it may not be!  My focus, my battle is to take control of the fear!  And I am beginning by conquering this fear of heights!  

At 7PM this evening I will be in one of those gondolas, just Skip and I, at sunset, medically approved aides, champagne and chocolate, facing down this fear!  Although, I have to admit I may need to pick up a box of Depends...before I go!

"Higher Ground" Stevie Wonder