life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, June 30, 2017

horizontal life pauses....

People that hang out with me have heard me refer to this as a “nap attack” a fairly new phenomenon in my life.  I have never been a great sleeper.  NAP...I had no idea what that was!  I was up on all of the hottest late-night programs John Stewart, Steven Colbert, and David Letterman (that one kind of dates me...well hell all of them do, now that I think about it) were my heroes and embarrassingly my primary source of what was happening in the world. Up until midnight + and up at 5:30 was the norm. I have always had oodles of energy and I loved it!  So this annoying demand of my body to just stop and drop is frustrating at best and downright maddening at others.  I know some of it is age but I know the biggest part of it is muscles and organs just not getting enough blood to function well and a combination of meds meant to relieve stress on my heart muscle and keep the BP low.  Naps have become absolutely uncontrollable and it sucks. I am totally ashamed of my lack of ability to keep up with just normal life. There are times I feel like a complete useless lazy slug. I beat myself up for not accomplishing all that I want to do and then promise myself “I can do better” only to find I don’t or can’t.  This vicious cycle only leads to more frustration and more emotional self-flagellation. I recognize it, I understand why it is happening and still, I have no control over it and I hate it!  Maybe If nothing else eases this insanity perhaps just calling it a horizontal life pause will help….if nothing else it does sound much more adult and sophisticated!
"Heal the Pain"  George Micheal

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