life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Friday, June 30, 2017

horizontal life pauses....

People that hang out with me have heard me refer to this as a “nap attack” a fairly new phenomenon in my life.  I have never been a great sleeper.  NAP...I had no idea what that was!  I was up on all of the hottest late-night programs John Stewart, Steven Colbert, and David Letterman (that one kind of dates me...well hell all of them do, now that I think about it) were my heroes and embarrassingly my primary source of what was happening in the world. Up until midnight + and up at 5:30 was the norm. I have always had oodles of energy and I loved it!  So this annoying demand of my body to just stop and drop is frustrating at best and downright maddening at others.  I know some of it is age but I know the biggest part of it is muscles and organs just not getting enough blood to function well and a combination of meds meant to relieve stress on my heart muscle and keep the BP low.  Naps have become absolutely uncontrollable and it sucks. I am totally ashamed of my lack of ability to keep up with just normal life. There are times I feel like a complete useless lazy slug. I beat myself up for not accomplishing all that I want to do and then promise myself “I can do better” only to find I don’t or can’t.  This vicious cycle only leads to more frustration and more emotional self-flagellation. I recognize it, I understand why it is happening and still, I have no control over it and I hate it!  Maybe If nothing else eases this insanity perhaps just calling it a horizontal life pause will help….if nothing else it does sound much more adult and sophisticated!
"Heal the Pain"  George Micheal

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