life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Friday, June 30, 2017

horizontal life pauses....

People that hang out with me have heard me refer to this as a “nap attack” a fairly new phenomenon in my life.  I have never been a great sleeper.  NAP...I had no idea what that was!  I was up on all of the hottest late-night programs John Stewart, Steven Colbert, and David Letterman (that one kind of dates me...well hell all of them do, now that I think about it) were my heroes and embarrassingly my primary source of what was happening in the world. Up until midnight + and up at 5:30 was the norm. I have always had oodles of energy and I loved it!  So this annoying demand of my body to just stop and drop is frustrating at best and downright maddening at others.  I know some of it is age but I know the biggest part of it is muscles and organs just not getting enough blood to function well and a combination of meds meant to relieve stress on my heart muscle and keep the BP low.  Naps have become absolutely uncontrollable and it sucks. I am totally ashamed of my lack of ability to keep up with just normal life. There are times I feel like a complete useless lazy slug. I beat myself up for not accomplishing all that I want to do and then promise myself “I can do better” only to find I don’t or can’t.  This vicious cycle only leads to more frustration and more emotional self-flagellation. I recognize it, I understand why it is happening and still, I have no control over it and I hate it!  Maybe If nothing else eases this insanity perhaps just calling it a horizontal life pause will help….if nothing else it does sound much more adult and sophisticated!
"Heal the Pain"  George Micheal

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