life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

MORE of what excites and scares me!

This is the ongoing struggle for me…it seems like most choices on a minute by minute basis boil down to just this.  Behave, be dignified, elegant, honorable, gracious and respectable.  All of those things are considered good things, which in my mind meant that everything else must be bad.  After 23 years of facilitating the Artist’s Way, I still find little jewels embedded in the chapters and this week, the term “either/or thinking” hit me like a brick upside of the head. Because I have never considered myself as having any of those distinguished attributes, I subconsciously assumed I had just the opposite. In short…I was bad…I can “pull off” the good, I know how to do it, but I have to confess, it has not always felt authentic for me!  Seems all of those and more distinguished character qualities were embedded in me by parents, teachers, and religion for the single purpose of acquiring the percieved rewards of having others recognize them and see me as a “good” person.  No one ever asked if that is who or what I wanted to be?   I am not degrading any of those wonderful good characteristics.  I have just decided that I do not have to be either a good person or a bad person.  I am both…some good and some bad and that makes me just a real person.  My intentions are never to hurt anyone and that includes me. Good and bad, I plan to do a lot more of what excites and scares me!
"Ants Marching"  Dave Matthews Band

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