life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Ups & Downs...but at the same time!!!

Ups & Downs…at the same time????   This week I am learning that I have a new kind of up & down…that involves ups & downs happening at the same time…and it is really weird…and incredibly difficult to explain!

Ed…the hospice nurse, in his delightful accent, has said several times over the past weeks…. “You are doing really good in the context of this disease”.  I do not really know what the context of this disease is, it is the first time I have had this, all I know is when I feel good, and when I do not.  In the context of this disease or any disease for that matter means…"can I keep doing what I want to do and/or is there any pain?” And there is truly very little pain… and nitroglycerin can relieve it in literally seconds… So as far as I am concerned, other than getting tired very quickly,  I am always doing good!

This week, it got different.  In the midst of some delightful personal “ups” (a huge wonderful class of Artist’s Way, sushi with friends, shoes I ordered through the mail that actually fit, bagel breakfast with my son and his family) I have run into raunchy debilitating downs with my digestive system acting up from top to bottom.  It is what is expected according to Ed, the nurse.  My organs are going to begin reacting to the disease and medications and making my physical body absolutely miserable.
But he promises me .....there are more meds ordered and on the way to help me manage this new set of challenges….

Emotionally UP and physically DOWN…at the same time… is a very weird and difficult emotional territory…
"Golden Slumbers-Carry the Weight"  The Beatles
And in the end,
the love you take,
is equal to the love you make,

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