1. Despite my desperate desire not to burden anyone and to maintain my previous level of independence, the truth is I am failing at it. I need help and I am afraid to ask for it. (and I hate giving in and accepting it. It is like letting heart failure win.)
2. I feel like I have to pretend. I pretend to feel better than I do. I pretend to feel more optimistic, less afraid than I am. All this pretending is done for other people’s benefit, but sometimes it leaves me feeling more alone in the long run.
3. While I may not be managing this illness in the ways I should, it is the only way I know how. The cartoon pamphlet in the doctor’s office taught me how to be sick, NOT how to be well. I need a pamphlet on how to be normal, productive and happy while fighting a disease that I cannot beat. Fighting for normal is demanding, exhausting, hard work but it is worthwhile and I am willing!
4. Resting is fantastic when it’s an option, not when it’s a necessity. I hate missing out on the good stuff. I want desperately to be productive.
5. I envy and appreciate all of you. I know it is not nice to envy others, but I do. I really really want my normal life back a life like you have! But most of all I am really glad I still get to do life. And as much as I whine….I really do appreciate every moment.
"You Are the Only Thing in Your Way" Cloud Cult