life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The List....

What Most people do not know about me....

1. Despite my desperate desire not to burden anyone and to maintain my previous level of independence, the truth is I am failing at it. I need help and I am afraid to ask for it. (and I hate giving in and accepting it.  It is like letting heart failure win.) 

2. I feel like I have to pretend. I pretend to feel better than I do. I pretend to feel more optimistic, less afraid than I am. All this pretending is done for other people’s benefit, but sometimes it leaves me feeling more alone in the long run.

3. While I may not be managing this illness in the ways I should, it is the only way I know how. The cartoon pamphlet in the doctor’s office taught me how to be sick, NOT how to be well. I need a pamphlet on how to be normal, productive and happy while fighting a disease that I cannot beat. Fighting for normal is demanding, exhausting, hard work but it is worthwhile and I am willing!

4. Resting is fantastic when it’s an option, not when it’s a necessity. I hate missing out on the good stuff. I want desperately to be productive.

5. I envy and appreciate all of you.  I know it is not nice to envy others, but I do. I really really want my normal life back a life like you have!  But most of all I am really glad I still get to do life. And as much as I whine….I really do appreciate every moment.
"You Are the Only Thing in Your Way"  Cloud Cult

1 comment:

  1. My life is no longer normal either...old age issues plague me every day. No one told me that old age comes so early. No one told me the million and one ways in which old age effects my life.