In the past 4+ years, I find myself rethinking what healing and happy is. I had been sucked into a culture that focused on perfection as the only path to happiness. I forgot that flaws, pain and suffering are necessary parts of life, they are how I grow, and they are not always to be avoided at all costs. I do not think I am intrinsically virtuous because of this disease and my grief, but I feel clearly empowered by it.
Grief in the broad sense, has taken me outside of the mistaken logic of happiness. Grief sends me on a different course.
The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that people who endure suffering are taken beneath the routines of life and find they are not who they believed themselves to be. Grief and loss broke through what I thought was the bottom of me but revealed an awareness and emotion I did not know existed. When I finally felt comfortable with this layer of awareness, it kicked through even a lower area revealing more.
Grief and fear drag me deep into myself. It has given me a new sense of my limitations, what I can control and cannot control. I am not clear how or where relief comes from. I do not understand what situation provokes peace, or eases grief. However, I have discovered that it is not the medical curing of the disease controlled by others, but the divine life healing process that exists in me.
I know I am not the master of my situation, but I am not helpless either. I cannot determine the course of this disease or my pain, but I get to choose how much I participate and respond to it.
"Barely Breathing" Duncan Skeiks
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If someone was desperate enough to spy on me, hack into my email accounts they might read this blog from beginning to end…..I take that back….maybe just read a couple of months’ worth (it’s easy they are short posts). They would recognize that I am on an emotional carrousel ride …”around and around…up and down”! I might be seen as a bona fide bipolar nut job and do not need the extra excitement. Sometimes it is just plain scary how easily someone I do not know can become me. And if they really knew me, me is the last person they would want to be! I really do not need any additional help getting to nuts, I am doing just fine on my own....
Monday morning and the clouds have cleared enough for the sun to rise on me! 
mmmmmm…..Sat outside early this morning and literally soaked this spectacle in. Am not sure why I am so attracted and influenced by full moons, but I am and this one was truly amazing. It seems like some of my most memorable life events, both good and bad have been attached to full moons. Do not know if that is by accident or design, it just is. From a science/spiritual point of view, a full moon is carrying, without interruption all of the energy from the sun. Ocean tides are the evidence of how significant this energy is.
Maybe not physically as strong….that is not how this works and I know that. But I am stronger than I ever have been in every other sense of the word because I smile and I think in the long run that does and will continue to keep me physically strong.
Smiling is the outward sign to the universe that I am grateful.
Smiling invokes synchronicity from the universe.
Smiling puts everyone around me at ease and helps them not be afraid for me.
Smiling just feels good.
It is life…and I have decided to live it….I mean really live it!
“life is good, it is happening just like it should, these are the
lessons I need to learn, walk through this and learn, or it will come back
again and again and again until I learn
this lesson.”
