What on earth makes her think I do not get this!

The cardiologist ripped into me this week.  Her words exactly….”you are not taking this seriously” …. “Denial”…. “When are you going to understand, this is your life?”…”Does your family know how sick you are?”

Are you fucking kidding me?  What on earth makes her think I do not get this!  I asked her to tell me how she thinks I am going to die, then I will consider her way of how I should live (why should I take medications that make me sick…surgeries…etc…etc…)  Her answer was, "everyone dies differently, “I cannot tell you that.”  So  “Why is it so hard for her  to understand that I want to LIVE it differently?”

I really did not know how I am going to die, and perhaps it was unfair to make such a definitive statement.  Then I found this book in the second hand book store. It turthfully, clearly, frankly, told me what I can most likely expect (well actually, it is what all of us can expect) but NO ONE, especially the doctors want to talk about it.

When this day comes, (and it is not here yet!) it is going to be ugly...it is going to hurt but I will be able to do it better, knowing I have had the best, truly fun, with incredible outrageous experiences, marvelously full life I could possibly have had.

And I cannot do that if I am sick and scared all of time!

"Strip Me"  Natasha Bedingfieild

Bitch, moan, crab, kick, belly-ache, gripe

Bitch, moan, crab, kick, belly-ache, gripe and in general I am not a happy camper. I know that lessons come to teach, that everything can be an ordeal or an adventure depending on my attitude, and 42 other platitudes about having a positive outlook on any situation….but sometimes they just out and out suck….There is no attitude or happy quote that will make a pile of shit be anything other than a pile of shit….if it stinks, walk away from it!

Whew...that feels a little better. Not much....but a little.....


"Satisfaction"  Rolling Stones

Divinely Misguided

Never certain what experiences open for me or why, but on some level I understand that I asked for them all.  Consciously or unconsciously there are lessons I need to learn.  Some I go into knowing exactly what I need to learn…others I have no idea what is waiting for me.  Those are the ones that scare me.

Is the lesson to keep moving forward, risk the pain, for an unknown pleasure?

Worry about the future…or stay in the now?

The fear of the furture or the pleasure of now.

"No No No" Paolo Nutini

Faith

So if fear has been my poison, is it possible faith is the antidote?
Not the typical worn out bible thumping faith, I mean real faith!
Faith in my own heart.
Faith in myself.
Faith that I will know what to do when I need to do it.
Faith that I can do this on my own!

Just big fucking faith….that is what I need!

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

I Just do Not Know it Yet.

Desperatly grasping for things that should not be, will never make them be so.

Maybe it is something deep inside of me, my subconscious or the universe saying.

this is not you, this is dangerous, this will only cause you pain.

Twice I listened to that voice and walked away, Twice I discounted my own gut and went in anyway. It failed both times.

  

Perhaps this is not an ending, but a beginning.

And I just do not know it yet...

"And Your Bird Can Sing"  The Beatles

Brave.

Here is what I am up against, a medical industry that has set tests, treatments and procedures, if you fall outside the norm or the medicines fail to produce the results they want, they will keep pushing until you are mashed and forced into their “management” box.  If your body does not perform according to their expectations, then I am wrong.

Heads dug into pages of test results, not once do they ask,

How are you feeling? 

What do you want the rest of your life to look like? 

What do you want to accomplish with this life?

I am forced to fit their protocol. To stay alive as long as possible it does not matter to them what “alive” is to me, the definition of alive for the medical industry is breathing (and even that is questionable).   I want to live now.

….and I so am tired of trying to get someone to hear me.

"Living in the Moment"  Jason Mraz

Lovingly, Georgia

I had truly forgotten how wonderful it felt to just read!  After several years of textbooks and digesting words for no other reason than to regurgitate them at a later time seemed to have just about killed whatever desire I had to just read.
Lovingly, Georgia was by no means a story, but a pretty amazing compilation of letters that were written to her friend, Anita Pollitzer.  I almost felt like an unwelcome voyeur peering in on some of their most intimate thoughts.  Amazed at how the thoughts and feelings of women artist really has not changed that much.

"No Sugar Tonight"  The Guess Who

Change

I want this to be easy. It is not going to be.
I do not want to do it alone, but the reality is each of us has to. No one can do it with me. The universe has kicked my crutch out from under me, and is making me do this by myself,

First a curse, then a blessing…growing and becoming emotionally stronger is not easy but I want to do it. I need to do it. I have got to be strong enough to do this by myself.
I will be strong enough!
And the art is going to show me the way!

"Change"  Tracy Chapman

"Never let FEAR turn you against your playful heart"

Some gifts come when I least expect them.....thank you
a friend sent this via FB and it could not have come at a more perfect time
...on days when it gets so hard, it is nice to be reminded.....

be still

Please….. I am so tired.

…be still

It hurts.

…be still

Why?

…be still

I do not want to.

…be still

Is it me?

…be still

I do not understand.

…be still

It’s too late.

…be still

I can be still,

will it make this stop?

"Save Me"  Gotye

Broken

Could there possibly be anything more broken than the current state of health care?  At the most incredibly inopportune time I receive a letter from my health insurance company…Humana…stating that my doctors and hospital (Florida Hospital) will no longer be in their network.  It is an income generating multi-million dollar business.  The state of my heart is of no concern to them. Makes an already difficult set of circumstances, absolutely cruel.  I am exhausted.

"A Prayer for...." Seal

Out of the Loop

I was told somethings would begin to happen, 

I chose not to deal with it at the time. 

The thought process was…. if they were right, and this was still up for debate as far as I was concerned, the time to deal with it and make the necessary provisions would be when (and if) it happened.

I am beginning to detect the circles. 

One thing always leads to another; it is never a single isolated incident. 

It keeps going around in circles and 

I want to get out of the loop!

"Save Me"  Goyte                  

Just plain UN-natural

Oh how I struggle to have faith in the natural process (of anything…of everything)!  Shouldn’t the natural process, in just about any life situation, just happen without so much directed effort on my part?  It feels as though sometimes the circumstances of my life take over and wear me out.  Then I find that I have to exert a great deal of energy to recover gracefully and maintain that horrible self-defined and most probably unrealistic facsimile of an appropriate respectable life.

Should any natural process be so difficult? Or maybe my expectations of “natural” are just plain un-natural.

"Every Day is a Winding Road"  Sheryl Crow

Meds & QVC ….no-no-no....

I cannot be held responsible for my actions while watching TV on prescription medications!  A recent round of new meds produced a massive mental breakdown.  The fact that I had even considered watching QVC as a form of entertainment should have been a huge red flag regarding the state of my mental faculties.  But, that I ordered a pressure cooker/crock pot combo is proof positive that I was medicated completely OUT OF MY MIND!

I hate cooking!  What on earth could they have possibly said or done that made me think this was a kitchen appliance I needed!  I need a coffee pot and a refrigerator, as far as I am concerned all other kitchen appliances are optional!   

I cannot even figure out the “effing” instructions! 

What the hell was I thinking!

  "I Should Have Known Better"  The Beatles

Secrets

Secrets….I never used to believe in them…I was certain that they were always destructive and cruel. This is my lesson. Secrets may not be the evil wicked things I had always imagined. The awful ugly things and the exceptionally wonderful things will always be secrets.  They are my secrets and I would not change one of them, I do not want to miss a thing, but I understand, I have been there, I know why they will prefer living in the middle of the road, it is much safer there.

   "All of the Stars"  Ed Sheeran

I am keeping them!

(Top) "Holding on to My Heart"                               (Bottom)  "Anticipation"

For as long as I have been creating this style of work, I have never hung one in my own home.  I think for the longest time, they just felt like work, a job….hanging my work, the layered paper pastels somehow felt like stapling a 50 page report about office procedures to my wall.

But these 2 pieces…these were different, not in execution, but in conception.  

These came from my gut, without consideration of how they would sell.  

They spoke to me. They sang to me, as they moved from my heart, into my imagination and finally, into reality.

They are my reminders that
I need to touch and feel it all,
be willing to fight to hold on
and prepared to let go.

"There is a Mountain"  Donavon

normal ????

When did normal happen? And why?

At what point in my life was I convinced that normal was the goal?

Who is in charge of establishing normal?

What happens to “not” normal?

Will we ever be able to except “not” normal?

Holy Crap…. what if I celebrate “not” normal!

That’s it!  I am not only going to search for “not” normal

I am going to sing, dance, paint, write and celebrate NOT normal!

"Coming Around Again"  Carly Simon

Hot Tea and Tissues

As it turns out there have been little gifts tucked in between the never-ending nose blowing and constant coughing! The time to read a new book and watch an old movie and not feel the least bit guilty!

The little gifts of a kindred spirit and admiration of another female artist in the book “Turn” and the giggles, tears and connection to the movie “Same Time, Next Year” are so comforting.

Hot tea and tissues, new books and old movies, why do I always wait until I am sick to indulge?

"The Lazy Song"  Bruno Mars

I Remember This Day... I Remember That Day 9/11

I remember this day.  I remember that day. 

I remember in 1994 there had already been one attempt to take down the WTCs. I was searched and scanned before I could get on the elevator.

I remember thinking to myself, what a ridiculous idea…anyone thinking they could bring down the WTC 1 or 2.... never mind both.

I remember passing Calder’s giant red stabile on the streets as we arrived.

I remember the absolutely huge,  35’ x 20’ tapestry by Miro’ in the lobby of 2 World Trade Center. 

I remember the severe contrasting scale of the art, the buildings and the teams of people that were perfectly comfortable and at home, living and working in their presence. The awkward balance of size and scale was beyond breath taking!

I remember how high up in the air I was, how exposed I felt, but how much I could see from such an amazing advantage.

I had forgotten how spectacular that day was!

I remember the day they came down, thinking to myself, this cannot be real. I was tucked safely in my own studio, and still felt an overwhelming, paralyzing and terrifying fear. 

.....a fear  that took over every one of my magnificent memories and the absolute awe of The World Trade Centers, the feelings, the people and the art
                                                  …until today.

"Auld Lang Sine"  Maira Campbell

Shutting Down

I move from strong, hard ass, independent to wounded, sensitive, failure on a daily basis.  Yes, I am strong sometimes, I like being full of strength and resolve, but more often than not, I just plain hurt.  It is a pain created by years of not being heard, seen or valued.  Art gave me value, above everything else,  When I shut down there was art. I was not seen or heard but my art was.  

Art is my voice, my ocean. 

I wonder if not being seen or heard is the reason I chose art to speak for me, or did the art choose me when the ideas needed a voice.

"If Only"    Dave Matthews Band