MAD SCIENTIST!

In a week that I have so many more important things to do….you know…laundry…closet cleaning…etc.  I stopped and had a “mad scientist” art day!  I have an opportunity to create and sell some small sculpture but was looking for another material (other than the clay) to work with.  I have a ton of this polystyrene from and earlier work. It is thin like metal, but getting it to hold a shape was the challenge.  The first attempt was heating it with a plain old clothes iron between aluminum foil…NO GO…too hot edges buckled and curled.  

Then back on to the internet that said that it's molecular structure had little resistance to solvents and I had a half a gallon of mineral spirits!  It worked great…one quick dip and it was totally moldable and when dry held it’s shape….woo-hoo….thought I had it! BUT it also became so brittle that if you looked at it crooked it would break….and I mean just snap!  NO GO #2.  

The third try was to use boiling water, perhaps heat that was consistent and not as hot as an iron (even at it’s lowest setting) might work….wah-lah….!  Kind of tricky to control the movement in the water…but so far using twine to hold a shape in the boiling water works!  I suspect there may be many other options, just will take more experimenting!

"Hammer and Nails"  Indigo Girls

Story

“There's a deep cultural presumption that creating something out of grief somehow makes it all even out in the end. That presumption does such a disservice, both to the creative practice and to you.  We need art. We need to create. It's part of being human. But creating something good out of loss is not a trade, and it's not a cure.  Pain is not redeemed by art. Creating something out of what was is no fair trade for not being allowed to continue *living* what was. There is no fair trade.  Creative practices can also help you deepen your connection with what is lost. Death doesn't end a relationship; it changes it. Writing, painting, and other creative processes allow the conversation that began in the life Before to continue in the life After. The stories we create are a continuation of love.”

~Megan Devine

So many of my friends and family felt like my creativity was going to help me through this.  I thought the same.  But the “attempts” I was making at creativity were horrible!  In the past, the work had provided instant gratification  (well not necessarily “instant” but gratification) .  When consumed with a round of grief I would hole up in the studio certain that creating something, anything would help, but it did not…and the work was bad!

As I learn to separate my grief from creativity it begins to feel like I have found an old friend, I am recovering a part of me, and I am experiencing a new kind of love. My art was a big part of us. My creative work is beginning to be a part of my story not an expression of grief. “Take these Broken Wings” and “Reaching Higher” were both accepted in the Nude Nite Exhibition,  They were my first attempt of telling a story rather than expressing grief and it feels like the Universe has responded.....yes!

"Blackbird"  Beatles

Messy!

Lately, I have been wondering how much energy I spent making me and others think I was organized, in control and quite structured.  I think it was more of an act than me.  I held on to everything mentally, emotionally and physically and some of that is not always a bad thing! I spent so much energy hiding everything that I did not think others would not like.  For the most part, it worked!  

One of the things I am learning, that Skip’s death is teaching me, is how to let go, even when it is difficult, hurts, and the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I am learning to let go of things that do not serve me even when it is uncomfortable.  

I am starving for simplicity and peace but accept there will always be parts of life that are messy and will command my energy…it’s ok!

"Learning to Fly" Tom Petty

Spiritual by-pass

You create your own reality

Meditation

Set your intention

A negative attitude is the only real disability

“Hidden inside this seemingly encouraging advice to take charge of your emotions, and therefore your life is the culture of blame. It's the avoidance of pain clothed in positive, pseudo-spiritual speak. It's the presumption that happiness and contentment are the only true measures of health.” ~Megan Devine

This is spiritual bypass! I learned that experiencing pain, could be accomplished by splitting between the head and the heart--trying to surpass being human by becoming more intelligent.  The way to get through the pain of being human is not to deny it, but to experience it. To let it exist. To let it be, without stopping it up or holding it back, or approaching it from my intellectual side.

Suddenly losing the person I spent most of my life with, my partner, best friend, lover, father, fixer of things and the one man that could also make me nuts and I still loved because he and life is real. And life is not always easy.  The measure of a good life is surviving it!  Sometimes it is easier to allow the pain than to intellectually resist it. Sometimes being with that pain is kinder, softer, gentler, and easier to bear--even when it rips you apart.

I am learning that I am not failing to be a "spiritual" or "emotionally intelligent" person.  My need to feel my pain is a sign of emotional depth and skill. Empathy is my own feeling with myself, feeling with others--is a real-life and reality, it is not easy.

"Holding on to Memories" Corey Tynan

The most powerful tool...

I do not trust my instincts anymore.  Grief and anxiety are tricky combinations of confusion.  Chronic vigilance seems like the only route to take.  I want to protect me, my family, my friends, loss is waiting for me everywhere, I have to be prepared this time!

I am learning that simple acknowledgment is my most powerful tool! It does feel counterintuitive, but somehow being honest with myself about how I actually feel in an uncomfortable situation or moment changes it.  I just have to tell myself the truth…”This is fear, I am afraid of more loss”…It does not always stop it, but it “softens” the blow and slows my raw emotions from running amuck.

"Catch the Wind" Donavan

Working on it...

Anxiety is such a huge issue in grief, who knew?  I am learning that feelings of anxiety are normal for those who have survived sudden, intense loss or trauma. Although I have never had a fear of crowds, doing art shows, gallery openings, teaching…but inside this grief, any unknown and the whole world feels unsafe except for the little home that Skip and I spent more than 40 years in. Anywhere else requires I maintain a constant vigilance: searching for early warning signs of trouble, guarding against more loss. I mentally and emotionally rehearse what I would do if I were faced with unthinkable trauma AGAIN.

I am learning that this problem, rather than helping me feel safe, is becoming a perpetual fear creating a small, hard, painful life that isn't safer than any other life.  I see it and with help I am working on it….

"Her Diamonds"  Rob Thomas

Its like a game, if we look at our emotions from a different perspective.

Ouch!  This one is kind of a poke in the eye!  It is much like a lesson I learned in the Artist’s Way.  Some of the ugly feelings I have, especially jealously, is not just a crappy emotion but a clear signal from the Universe pointing me in the direction I need to go and the action I need to take to get there.  It was easy once I understood the concept.  For example, I wish I had a studio like hers is telling me to get into my studio, clean it up make mine functional. It is like a game...a puzzle..a scavenger hunt... all the information is right there in our emotions if we look at them from a different perspective.

This quote hit me the same way…just so you know…apparently, I have a lot of unhealed places….

"Games People Play"  Joe South

The cha-cha is good!

And that’s life!  A spectacular few weeks of creating, being accepted into Nude Nite, doing a 21-day house purge class…and I have had some stuff to purge! Even beginning to work on the studio so I can work in there more….Not to worry I will not make it too clean and organized… OMG that would be impossible!  So many great things happening and I get a nice little smack in the face having to do with these ugly, for lack of other things to call them “blood bruises” I keep getting on my arms and now my lower legs (they do not hurt, they are just ugly!).  Ed thinks it might be a steroid problem, but Doc coming to look me over this afternoon and see what they mean and what we should do about them…Personally I think it is just time for another “medicine dance” the cha-cha is good!

"Chilli Cha-Cha"  Jassica Jay

I am in…I am in…

I am in…I am in…happy dance...I am in…both of my art pieces were accepted!

In the weirdness of this different life, there is much “old” that I want to hang on to!  The question that I chronically have to ask myself is “Am I physically and/or emotionally strong enough to do it?” Last night I got an email that answered part of that question. 

Most of all, I am telling the world I will not go down without a fight. 

Not fighting against a disease, I am fighting for a meaningful life!

"Don't Give Up" Herbie Hancock, John Legend & Pink

Anyone but me...

This morning it occurred to me that this is the first time in my life that I have no responsibilities to anyone but me.  I have the income to live a modest life without having to work, the children are happily grown with their own children and then, Skip is now gone…It is just me. No cooking, cleaning or laundry if I do not want to, no answering to anyone else about where I am (although this one is still not a big deal, I am almost always at home) and the list goes on and on. 

This is a very new and sometimes frightening situation, one that I had always dreamed of in earlier days of child-rearing, working and managing a household. Now that I have this incredible freedom  I honestly did not recognize it and am learning how to enjoy it.

"Anticipation" Carly Simon

...and my age isn't helping either!

"If your mind isn't what it used to be, you're entirely normal. You're not crazy. You feel crazy because you're inside a crazy experience. It makes perfect sense that your mind doesn't work the way it used to: everything has changed."  ~Megan Devine

I love this woman!  She has made me feel like I am not alone with these miserable changes.  I am not going bonkers, but then I do not think I was ever typically normal and my age is helping any either!  Not trying to push through or get “better”.  I am learning how to accept gratitude and surrender to grief as I need to.  

"In My Own Crazy Way" Rod Stewart

Finding my Strength

I have been taking a decluttering class online.  The title was “Get Rid of 99 Things in 21 Days”.  After 40 years in one house, it is scary amazing how much stuff we had amassed.  Like the rest of my life, I learned well how to hide my imperfections.  My way of maintaining the semblance of calm and organization was simple...hide it.  Under beds, in closets, in cupboards, it looked good but underneath it is was a frustrated, mixed up, unorganized mess of emotions and stuff.  Most of it is stuff I really do not even want of need, but there seems to be an underlying fear of not having or being enough….still!

So, as I heal from my own grief and loss, I can also heal some of my other issues.  The grief still makes it difficult for me to go out into public (you know around lots of people, I have no idea what that is about, it just is) this class is giving me tools to “fix” some of my clutter frustrations, and the time in my most comfortable environment.  Surrounded by love and memories.  I am not hiding from the world I am finding my strength.

"Celebrate Me Home"  Kenny Loggins

Another SUPER POWER!

I would give anything if there were a magic genie that would just come and take all of this, wrap it up in a tidy little package and make all the grief and pain go away.  But we al know it does not happen like that!  Skip was never an “enabler” he made me stand on my own, he never wanted a weepy, whiney, weak wife and told me so!  There were times I was so angry with him about this approach to marriage, sometimes I seriously needed help, he was never my knight in shining armor.

But as I slug through this day by day, I am beginning to realize that this may have been the best gift he ever gave me!  No one is going to save me…it has to be me!

"Time of Your Life"  Ortopilot

Participating relentlessly!

Even if it takes everything I’ve got, emotionally and/or physically.  One thing that these past few years have proven is that nothing will turn out the way I planned!  If I do not take advantage of every opportunity that sings to my heart or my life I may not get the opportunity again.  However, I have to admit it is not easy emotionally or physically to participate in some of the things that came so naturally to me in the past.  The joy has to come from just being able to do it….and being able to say I participated relentlessly!  (This year's Nude Nite entry...we will see????)

"Message to Myself" Melissa Ethridge

There is nothing to be fixed, it is part of life

In the first few months, I was told it would “get better” it is just going to take time to get through this and we all move through grief in our own way. There is a huge hole in my life.  I knew even then this was something I would never get over.  I needed to find ways to stay with it, to stay beside that gaping hole, to find ways to stay present with it and not just skip over it, get better or heal.  I never will.  Pain and grief are part of life. They’re part of love. And no part of love is ever dismissed like it was nothing.

Living alongside grief is the real challenge to my heart. Understanding that this is more of a balancing act. Instead of talking about how to get out of grief, I need to be in here with the grief. Not turning away but allowing grief and gratitude to coexist.

Knowing myself, opening up to new ideas, or reliving old experiences, listening to what is true for me, responding with care and compassion to my own needs.  With help, I am listening to my own heart allowing it to guide me. There’s no moving through and away from this kind of loss as if it were just a blip on the GPS, it was the whole GPS itself going dark.

I desperately wanted a road map, a magic bean, or a pill especially when the pain is new and fresh and intense. But there is no map. The only compass is my own heart. Finding ways to hear me

– that’s the true work. It’s not a solution. No part of love gets dismissed. There is nothing to be fixed it is part of life.

"Undone" The Guess Who

Learning to change with it...

I hope they will always say “What is she up to now?”  Although even I will admit that NudeNite is not a new or different thing for me to do, in fact, it is rather expected that I will enter the 3-day pop up Nude Art exhibition, but the last couple of years I have felt like this may be my last show and then at the last minute I changed my mind.  A full day on my feet painting is definitely off my list...If I do this again...remind me to start much much earlier!  Crossing my fingers that I get into the exhibition!... While I am beginning to figure out who and what I am without him, I do not want to lose the art in me.  I will confess he helped so much, building stretchers to my custom size, kind of feel like I  am cheating, and frustrated at the same time using pre-built canvas and frame, I have to alter the work to fit what I can purchase, not the other way around.  I know that everything has changed, and I am learning to change with it.

"The Story of My Life"  Matthew West

I had to see for myself, but wish I had not.

“Deciding not to view the body is perfectly normal in grief. So is deciding not to remain with their body after they've passed. As with so many topics in this ongoing series, this is an intensely personal decision. Where some people find comfort others find trauma, and then there's a vast in-between.

We also recognize that there are countless reasons why these decisions might not be or have been an option for you. Once again circle back to acknowledgment as the only form of medicine that helps: for everything you've had to do or wished you could do differently --”  ~ Megan Devine 

It happened so fast and so unexpectedly that I just could not believe it was true.  They had to have made a mistake, it wasn’t him, it could not be him! I could not accept what I had been told until I could see for myself.  I had no choice, I had to know but now…I wish there was some way I had not seen.  It is the first horrific vision I see on anniversaries, every Monday morning at 8:30 AM and each 5^th of the month.  I had to know, had to see for myself, but wish I had not.

"Best Friend" Jason Mraz

5 Months and a Monday

5 Months and a Monday, back to back.  It still hurts like hell, but it a different kind of hurt.  I wish I had better words for this.  In the beginning, I did not want to go on without him, I could not imagine how that could possibly happen.  Now I know I do not have a choice (some of that comes with some serious medication) but I take it…I am not so tough and brave any more….It is just a different kind of pain…

"The Fault in Our Stars" Troye Sivan

"Laughing while still feeling sad is perfectly normal in grief. We’ve got this idea that there are only two options in grief: broken or healed. It doesn’t seem to matter that nothing else in life is like that. Somehow, when it comes to grief, the entire breadth of human experience goes out the window. There’s this whole middle ground between those two extremes (as there is for everything else in life), but we don’t know how to talk about it.

You can have a big deep sadness and find something utterly hilarious, all at the same time. This is the coolness of being human, we don't have to choose just one thing. We can hold many emotions at once."  ~Megan Devine

Carry On Regardless...

I have always had a rather private personal life. Although I was chronically on Facebook it was not huge personal stuff.  I claimed that I was not willing to be that vulnerable by exposing myself to so much judgment!  But then, this week under and a pretty dire deadline for Nude Nite I have changed the design no less than 3 times. I think my vulnerability lives big in my artwork  I have always felt that somehow, I am deficient, that I do not share, I do not let people “in”.  I now suspect that I do expose who and what I am. How I feel.  I do more than even I imagined, the only problem is I speak, write, draw, paint and build in a different language.

"Carry On Wayward Son"  Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

How long till my soul gets it right?

Real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird I am fine with…I can wear those labels like a badge of honor.  But beautiful and magical is a reach and I would rather leave them out of the equation totally! So I am just going to have to hang with being myself…which by the way includes lost, grieving, sad, and frightened…it is a package thing…I have to learn to accept the good and the bad! 

How long till my soul gets it right?


"Galileo"  Indgo Girls

It feels so wrong...

Sometimes I really want to be angry! But it feels so wrong!  We had plans that we made our whole lives.  I did not realize or appreciate all the little things you did do around the house.  I have never lived alone in my life…it takes a whole new set of skills that I suck at.  I was supposed to die first wrapped in your loving arms.  It is hard to reach anything on the top shelf without you here.  I forget to take out the garbage.  It is difficult to make one cup of coffee in a pot made for 12 cups. Although I really do hate to cook, I am getting tired of frozen TV dinners!  But most of all….I desperately miss just being touched by you, even it was nothing more than a quick hug.  I miss you more than you will ever know!

"Everything I Own"  Bread

It's Going to Take A While...

To be absolutely honest…none of this is making any sense….and of course, the beginning of a new year punctuates the “time” thing but then, unlike this quote I really never wanted to climb a mountain anyway.  So, I will settle on not trying to start a spectacular new story, just reclaim a little bit of me… a little bit at a time…it's going to take a while

   "I Try" Ben Taylor

The New Year is Here!

The new year is here, and it feels like time is moving too fast and too slow at the same time. Time gets inside my grief and is unmeasurable. Now that it is a New Year I can no longer say, he died this year. The year has passed, so I should be “better” by now. (Although 1/5/2020 it will be 5 months) In many many ways, I am learning and with each new realization of surviving and living without him, even though it still hurts like hell, I feel myself become a little stronger.  I will be different and still unsure how that will look, but maybe it is time that I begin to look forward to the different and who I am becoming without him.

"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"  India Arie