They Can Live in my Heart, but Not in My Life....

I have ruined many pieces of art overworking them, because I could not let go, I wanted it to look, feel and be different than it was.

So many times in my life, I could not let go of the way I think life, love, friends, siblings and relationships should fit into my life.  Mashing, coloring and reconfiguring them into something I could relate to while ignoring the truth of our situations.

Finally, I am beginning to see the harm I cause myself when I cannot let go of my own distorted views of reality.   I work too hard to make parts of life fit into what I think they should be rather than seeing and accepting them for what they truly are.  I cannot force others to see and share what is in my heart, or to honor what I see as important in my life.
 
The time has come to honor and acknowledge the wonderful experiences I have had, be grateful that I had them, then let go and move forward.  

They can and will be wonderful memories that will live forever in my heart, but not in my life.

Building the New

In the past few years, friends and family will tell me how wonderful I look, I always assume that means that I do not look sick. I am also grossly aware of when I am not looking so good, because those same incredible wonderful friends and family will not say anything at all. I suspect that falls under the heading “If you can’t say anything nice….”   

On the good days (and there are many more of those) I want to explain and justify why I am doing so much better than even the doctors and nurses expected, especially since most of the time I elect not to follow their instructions and medication. I am certainly not recommending this for anyone else, and I do not ignore them all of the time, but my body has been really good at letting me know when things are and are not working.   

It has been a journey and I will freely admit there have been wrong turns along the way. It has been hard to follow my “heart” (excuse the pun) against professional advice, but it has been the best thing I could have possibly done and it all boils down to one central idea that I have struggled to put into words. Then this morning a Socrates quote showed up on my FB page. His quote sang to my heart and it is the perfect explanation for my own magnificent healing!

Leesburg Art Festival is finished!!

-It was wonderful to return to the art festival circuit! 
-Packing was a bit awkward, but we figured it out.
-Tent went up relatively well, not as stiff or dusty as one might expect after being in storage for 4 years. 
-It was wicked cold and windy, but our tent held firm, and there were many artists with tents that did not.

-I got to sign the posters that had the image of my Heron on them, when people bought them.  I really felt like a movie star signing autographs. 
-I saw lots of old high school and neighborhood friends, was supported and cheered on by my Orlando art friends, and made new art friends.  Does it get any better???
-Moorings was selected for judging, but it did not win anything.  I was so tickled to have it picked up!
-All in all I sold 4 originals, (Dinghy, Great White Heron (after the show) Sax and Violin) and about a dozen prints. 
-It was hard, I was grossly tired, and I would (and will) do it again in a heart beat!!!
-I loved every minute!!!

Still Standing....

to all my cardiac docs.....HA!!!
doing what I love doing is the best medicine....EVER! 

waving red flags and snickering at me

…a few minutes to myself, before I march back into the studio, finally getting these last 3 pieces in their frames and wrapped for traveling.  All of the fear, nerves and self-doubt have shown up in mass, marching around me waving red flags and snickering at me.

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”..... there is a big difference!

What a phenomenal few nights! 
Physically exhausted and emotionally challenged!

There have been so many incredible experiences that I could not begin to communicate them at this point, it will be days of “processing” before I can begin to get them in to perspective!

One thing that I have learned without question is that I am in pursuit of Life. That is capital “ L”  Life!  A full, outrageous creative life filled with joy, laughter, and experiences that push me to the edge.

I love having friends and family but I am strong enough to do this alone.  So you can just imagine how incredibly blessed I am to have amazing open hearted (and open minded) people in my life that want to and willingly share my life as well as support my (rarely sensible, slightly outrageous) ideas. 

For the first time in my life, I am ok with living LIFE on my own terms.   It is an amazing and extraordinarily freeing feeling! 

I do not need anything…. Everything I need for a most extraordinary creative life, I already have.

I  do want ……to go anywhere and everywhere my creative heart takes me.  No boundaries!

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”...there is a big difference!

Nude Nite 2013....I did it!

 

Took a Walk on the Wild Side.....and I liked it!!!

this is exactly what I am meant to do...

The ride downtown felt like a slow walk to the gallows. A tenacious litany of questions unraveled inside my head, as I got closer. Do I belong here? They must have made a mistake. My work is not good enough! Why did they select this piece? This piece is not big or impressive enough. If I turn around now, and go home, I am certain no one will even realize I am not there. I pulled into the parking lot with about dozen other cars and artists, wondering if the same list of ugly thoughts was playing in their heads?  

I climbed down out of the van and started the long walk toward the line of artists checking in. I approached the check-in table with my image turned in and clutched to my chest I did not want anyone to see it, keeping my option open to turn and run the other way. Finally, it was my turn. They asked my name, had me sign in, handed me a brown manila envelope with my lanyard and comp. tickets then pointed me into the gallery area with further instructions. No one made any faces, turned their heads, or made any comment what so ever, it was a simple matter of fact business transaction. I mustered up every ounce of courage I could find and made my way to the area where I was to unwrap and leave my work. 

I got to the empty spot and stood long enough to take in a deep breath and look around me , really look around me. I wanted to feel and see everything happening to me, inside and out. All of that incredible art work, massive amounts of glorious talent, and images that took my breath away. A feeling of incredible satisfaction enveloped me. I was surrounded by the most phenomenal art and magnificent creatives and like magic, my breathing slowed and my heart calmed. At that precise moment, I knew this is exactly what I am meant to do.

Fearless

What a wonderful day...
 art, friends, food!

Could it possibly get any better?

Taking my life back…


FEARLESS

 

fAt FeEt dAYs

I hate fat feet days. Fat Feet do not hurt but they do feel little weird. “Snausage” toes are the reminder “things just ain’t right”. It is a benign but ugly warning that my heart is struggling and fluid is building.  These are the days that I am grateful for flip-flops!

I find that I do best and am the happiest when I do not focus on or give this disease any attention, when I continue my life doing what I want and can do. Then just about the time I have convinced myself that I have this mess whipped....BAMM…fat feet!! Like my heart is talking back to me and saying....Oh no BITCH you are not going to do that!!

Heart failure does not have symptoms that anyone can see, so I CAN  fool most of the people…most of the time. The only one I cannot fool is me, and these damn fat feet. Some days I am still afraid.  Some days fat feet just plain scare me.

Can I still do it....

It’s CRUNCH time….

Four on the boards, some better than others, but all better than the 2 I blew a couple of weeks ago. I still find my biggest problem is OVER WORKING them. This is an ongoing problem I not only have with my art, but I find this issue showing up in my life, too. Trying so very hard to let go of all things that do not move me back into the life I loved and…… then let go of this obsession to over work everything that is in my life now.  

Three weeks to my first outdoor art show in 4 years. My stomach is in knots, the work is so-so and I am wondering if I can still do it??????

2013 First Full Moon

 

 

Drumming on the first full moon of the year. It was quite a few years ago that a dear creative friend introduced me to the first full moon of the year celebrating. It has become a night that I look forward to celebrating, every year, thank you Lillian! We had so much fun, but boy did we miss you!  Reconnecting, and the drum rhythms were amazing.  So much satisfaction to just melt into to the sounds of the night and flow with them.  It turned out to be a marvelous lesson for moving forward with my life.  Just melt into it and flow!

 

I should have known better

I should have known better….Anytime any piece of hardware or software promotion says “The easy new way to___________” Do not believe it!

In a world where technology moves so much faster than me I am chronically mired down in a technology learning curve and I am well down on the left hand side of that curve.

Last month my trusty and well-worn Windows 7 laptop took a hard drive dive. Replacing it meant I was forced into the Windows 8 world well before I was ready, and for that fact, well before Windows 8 was ready, also. Hours and hours of frustrating, “it don’t work like that anymore” issues!  

Just about the time I had a quasi-handle on my new computer operating system, UMASS has decided to upgrade their online learning system. AUGGGGGHHHHH! Enough already! I am a firm believer the “if it ain’t broken DO NOT fix it” mentality. Unfortunately that type of thinking does not sell more software or hardware.

Then yesterday…in an attempt to access the latest simple credit card acceptance technology, which in theory is so very cool, was met with another overdose of overwhelming amount of technical learning curve before I could even participate. I was immersed in Square up software technology that allows merchants to accept credit cards from any location. A little “hickey” that clicks into the audio jack input on your data enabled cell phone that will swipe a credit card, send an email or text receipt to the client (with a picture of what they purchased), and automatically make the deposit into your bank account. (For us OLD “knuckle buster”credit card people, it does away with the daily chore of batching and sending in the day’s receipts for processing and payment). What was promised as the easiest method to accept payment from anywhere, turned out to be a miserable journey to yet another technical learning situation when I found out the smart phone (that I have finally after 3 years learned how to work) does not have the latest necessary operating system. So there is a new phone updated correct android operating system on its way here. I am certain it will take hours of study before I can answer a phone call, much less text, and I shudder at the thought of what it is going to take to accept credit cards.

I should have known better.

 

a piece of cake!

The heart generates the largest electromagnetic field in the body. . . The electrical field is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the brain waves. The magnetic component of the heart's field, which is around 100 times stronger than that produced by the brain. . . can be measured several feet away from the body.
-Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.

 A heart with all of this incredible energy has got to be much more capable of healing than doctors are willing to give me, or anyone else credit for. It is amazing to me that the medical industry will not even attempt to admit to the possibility of a heart physically healing. Even though they will easily acknowledge the development of “collateral” arteries. (arteries that develop and/or grow larger to go around damage to supply the heart with blood).

If we all can agree that the heart is an amazing muscle, then why does it make sense to medicate and slow down. This is not how to facilitate a muscle healing, it only insures atrophy and certain failure.

They have no idea what MY body can do. This body made two human beings, fixing and healing a broken and damaged heart should be a piece of cake! And we all know how much I love cake!

Check off the bucket list...and yes….I will be wearing clothes!

I am so excited! Just had one of my pieces accepted (one of two) that I submitted for Nude Nite. So, if we were in baseball season, I would be batting 500. For what it is worth, we could only submit a maximum of 2 pieces. I would love to have had both works in that show, better chance of selling more, but I will take a ride on the one.

Years and years ago when Nude Nite had just begun, I did it a couple of times, but have sat out for many years. Most of the time I was out on the road doing the outdoor shows and at the time was the mother of 2 "OMG mother you wouldn't do that" teenage boys. They are all grown up now and perhaps even appreciate having a weird Mom.

This feels exciting and almost like starting over again. Back to the very beginning, trying to figure it all out.  Is it going to be different this time or will I end up back in the same place.

But in the meantime….I think I will take a walk on the wild side,  not try to figure everything out.... just play, dance, watch...and enjoy Nude Nite.

(and yes….I will be wearing clothes)

                                                                                Yay...that's our Marla E from last summer's class!

Woo-hoo me! 2 Miles!

2 miles…2 miles…2 miles…back up to 2 miles…not all at one time like I used to be…but I made it! 3 months ago they told me to slow down, and I gave up going to gym completely because I just could not keep up without 2 or 3 nitros, but the treadmill at home I can go until I need to stop get off…rest...and go again. 2 miles today! Good for my heart, but delightfully good for my head! Woo-hoo me!

Either Give Me a Crown or...

Danielle LaPorte in one sentence described me,better that I could have done myself, “a whore for synchronicity”. I crave the connection, the information, something or anything that confirms I am moving in the right direction. 

“Either give me a crown or, just make me a soldier of the day to day because being an artist is making me bleed.”

The Universe is screaming at me, and I do not understand.

Yesterday evening…
Max (the cat) died, for no identifiable reason. A big, 8 year old, strong, 20 pound “take no prisoners” got more attitude than most people I know, cat. Unexpected and unprepared, a spear through the heart would not have hurt as much. Max was not a “kitty” or a “pussy” cat. Max was a CAT, initially a rescued feral, with a slew of medical problems of his own, he reminded me daily, how tough he was. He reminded me daily how tough I need to be. I cannot believe how much I miss him. Where will I find his strength? 

This morning…
I have 2 clocks in my bedroom, one 50 year old clock was my grandmothers, it does not work, but hangs on my wall as a decorative reminder of my grandmother, the other an old fashioned wind up alarm clock. It is the “back up” insurance for the cell phone alarm, only used when it is really important that I wake up on time, and has not been wound in well over a year. 

As I dressed this morning I heard a ticking, certain the ceiling fan had developed some kind of problem; I went to the wall to turn it off. The ticking continued and I realized it was my grandmother’s clock. As I closely examined the clock, to come up with some plausible explanation to why after all this time it would suddenly begin working again, the wind up clock on my bedside dresser alarm went off.

Life….Loss…Time….?  Please, What are you trying to tell me? What am I not seeing?

…and the answer is very clear

If you are not sure or in my case, scared to death, the answer will come if you "put it out into the universe". I have preached this for years. As I look back on the past few months the answer to the question I have been too afraid to ask, has been appearing.  I was unable to see it or put the pieces together. I did not officially put it out in the Universe, I was sure that my sick heart had insured that there was no question. 

Although I was unaware of the question, the answer began coming anyway, not like a lightning bolt, not in one sitting or a single event.  There have been several different situations that like a jig saw puzzle, required assembly on my part.

It has been several years since I have been on the outdoor art festival circuit, first it was the economy, then the heart attack. Scared and broke I retreated, I quit doing one of the things I loved the most and I gave up my gypsy spirit.  

Helping a friend prepare for her first show several months ago, I celebrated her courage and excitement but inside of me, after she left, I was in tears. My heart ached and I wanted it to be me preparing for an outdoor art show.

I was chosen as an outdoor art festival poster artist for the Leesburg Art Festival (even though I did not apply for the honor) and it obligates me to participate in their actual outdoor art festival, still scared to death I did not recognize this as the universe screaming at me to get back out on the streets. Fear blocked my ability to appreciate all of the facets of this marvelous gift  and I still did not get it.

This morning Skip mentioned the Spring Maitland Art Festival application came in the mail, which will be a few weeks after the Leesburg show. His comment was the show is close, it will be fun.  There is live jazz and wine on Friday night, (I love jazz and wine), it is close, you can sleep in your own bed, (I had come to really detest hotels).   I immediately answered "no", not ready, I am afraid, and besides I already threw the application away.

....I went in the kitchen, fished the application out of the garbage and faced my fears.  

Do I want to spend the rest of my life wishing I had done the things I love? Do I want to continue the fear of my physical heart? And finally all of the pieces of the “answer” puzzle that the universe has been laying out in front of me began to fit together.

Is it a good thing for me, for my heart?  That is no longer the question. Is it the right thing for my soul, my life and the reason I am on this earth is the question…and the answer is very clear.

Let it go...

I suspect a good healthy dose of fear is the best way to wake me up to my life. 

After spending so much of my life trying to avoid it, pretending it is not there I am beginning to finally recognize that instead of hurting and making me feel afraid, fear can in fact be one of my greatest teachers. But make no mistake about it, fear is not a gentle teacher.  

Fear targets my most vulnerable place. My first knee jerk reaction is to protect myself by striking back, ignoring, feeling sorry for myself or taking on any emotional position that protects me.

I need to remember every day, every day to allow the fear to penetrate my soul, examine it, expose the lesson it has come to teach me and then…

Let it go.