life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, April 18, 2016

so...... why not do the hell what I want to do!

It's Monday morning and I turned 62 over the weekend....

I do not want to sound ungrateful….there was a party with dear friends, dinner with family and lots of lovely sincere wonderful well wishes but I am still feeling how old I have become and the sheer amount of accomplishments I have not managed to achieve. It feels like the big “F” word (no not that one)…..FAILURE….has attached itself firmly to my ass and it is dragging! Somehow I thought by this age….I would have more life figured out, would be more successful and certainly better off financially. And yes…yes…yes…I know, I should be grateful for all that I have, that I should be celebrating the accomplishments I have achieved….but it is Monday and I am 62.

And then a quote by James Baldwin creeps into my pity party. A superb 1962 meditation on the creative process,“but the artist must know, and he must let us know, that there is nothing stable under heaven.”

I begin to suspect, all of this may just be a part of my creative duty and growth process.  It is #1 horribly possible or #2 ecstatically wonderful that the struggle and frustration to find that perfection and/or stability will never be accomplished and never end….
so why not do the hell what I want to do!


"Wild Women Don't Get the Blues"  Cyndi Lauper

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