life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

have to...

How do I sit, smile, nod my head and say to myself “this is really shitty,” when I listen to the prognosis as they type into a computer terminal the new calibrations that “talk” to the S-ICD implanted in my chest? Is there ever a time that I do not have to be horribly grateful for the technology that keeps me alive?  Do I ever just get to be pissed? Do I have the time to feel the anger and the disappointment when there is so much other stuff I have to do.

I have to do more of what I love.  I have something to say, and need to speak.  But most of all I have to learn to love myself, If I need a hug, I have to be brave enough to ask for a hug….and because I am dying, I have to live.

"The Come On"  Janis Ian

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