life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, April 26, 2016

have to...

How do I sit, smile, nod my head and say to myself “this is really shitty,” when I listen to the prognosis as they type into a computer terminal the new calibrations that “talk” to the S-ICD implanted in my chest? Is there ever a time that I do not have to be horribly grateful for the technology that keeps me alive?  Do I ever just get to be pissed? Do I have the time to feel the anger and the disappointment when there is so much other stuff I have to do.

I have to do more of what I love.  I have something to say, and need to speak.  But most of all I have to learn to love myself, If I need a hug, I have to be brave enough to ask for a hug….and because I am dying, I have to live.


"The Come On"  Janis Ian

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