life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.
Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, November 15, 2015

There is no time for anything else

OK, so here is a confession…At first I was horribly upset, angry and frustrated when they told me all indications are that the hibernating tissue in my heart has not responded and probably will not.  The ejection fraction has not improved.  I have never gone through more pain and more expense for anything as much as I did for this.  I wanted it to work so badly!  But…I also wondered how my life would look afterwards.  Would I always have to be vigilant, giving up foods, activities and things that others might think would not be good for me?

Last week…I got permission again, to do anything I felt like doing!  If I enjoy it and my body can tolerate it “do it”.  (I do love my cardiologist Heart Failure advice!)  I have had almost 5 years of this kind of thinking, risk taking, rule breaking and doing what feels good.  I was really kind of afraid I might have to give that up to nurse a weak surgically altered heart for the sole purpose of living longer, and I do not think I really wanted to live like that. (yikes.... Did I say that out loud?)

I risked it all….I lost…but not really!  I do not want to tip-toe through life, afraid.  I want to be kind, silly, warm, compassionate, weird, loving, emotional and if I am lucky ....somehow be wildly inappropriate at least once, every single day!  “There is no time for anything else.”
"Ob-La-Di - Ob-La-Da" Life goes on…. The Beatles"

No comments:

Post a Comment