…if you find yourself or loved one in this kind of situation…find your caseworker and make him or her your friend!

Skip and by association, me…. have had a crazy couple of weeks, but before I get to the grousing part of this post let me say that Skip is doing great!  It really is just short of miraculous about how well he has recovered from a Pons or Pontine stroke! The doctors and rehab therapists are all amazed and we are so incredibly grateful!

The grousing portion is not about the quality of care, or food, or the room, although this is an older hospital all of those things could use some sprucing up and of course, the Adventist Hospital system has a long-running notorious horrible food reputation.  My principal complaint, although perhaps I should wait until the bill arrives, is about something that truly would cost them nothing, it is nothing more than just coordinated communication.  Entering a hospital through the ER with this kind of situation is already scary, but it seems to grow exponentially more frightening for everyone when the communication is so disjointed. I understand that diagnosis and immediate treatment is the primary ER objective, but I feel some amount of communication would be so helpful, if for no other reason…. blood pressure!   We were challenged in comprehending the what, when, why, how bad, test results, possible treatments, etc., etc, about a medical condition that we were not familiar with.  After diagnosis and admission, the stroke team…. Neurologist, PT, OT Speech therapy, then a hospitalist, case manager and all of the nurses were communicating with one another, but their ability to communicate in a linear coherent way with us about Skip’s condition and course of treatment was truly lacking. Each of these professionals came into the room daily (of course the nurses more often) performing cognitive, coordination and speech tests, but not explaining or sharing the results with us. I did find some solace in our frantic but always full of information caseworker.  She was overworked, awesome, helpful, always understanding and a great advocate.  If I did not understand something or treatment plans changed without us knowing about them I would track her down.  I was concerned that I might soon be known as the caseworker stalker!  She was always happily willing to explain any question we had and when possible, she answered in non-medical person speak!  So, the lesson I would like to share is…if you find yourself or loved one in this kind of situation…find your caseworker and make him or her your friend!

"I'll be There for You"  The Rembrandts

Adventure happening soon!

Tomorrow will be a week since Skip’s stroke, and he is doing so very well!  Still lots of appointments here and there but for the most part his physical health is spectacular.  What is left in the aftermath of this week is….where do we go from here?  There are so many big things that need resolution!  Some we knew would come and had chatted about, but never with any thought of needing to press any of those plans into effect any time soon.  So, as we slog through all of the medical necessities of healing, there are also huge forced decisions about retirement income, future health care/Medicare plans and if that is not enough there seems to be a huge emotional part of all of this that stages unexpected sneak attacks!  Our mantra this week has been, identify the priorities (Skip’s Health) and then walk through the rest of it when clearer heads prevail!  Clearer heads may be a bit hopeful, but at least a better ability to focus will be nice! I am putting out into the Universe, we are ready for a GREAT ADVENTURE and I do mean a great big ass fun adventure because we have already done one hell of a job of  “something gone wrong”!

"Changes" David Bowie

Slow Motion....

No easy way to say this….Skip had a stroke last Sunday.  There were a couple of days in the hospital that were a whirlwind of CAT scans, MRI, x-rays physical, speech and cognitive exams.  There were lots of tests and endless meetings with the stroke team members that quite frankly felt more like a cast of thousands.   Skip is doing as well as we can expect, it was not a big stroke, there is some brain damage but a full recovery with good rehab therapy is possible, so, for the most part, we are out of the “scary” woods. But there is going to be some hard work ahead of us!

It was our Sunday journey before the hospital that I feel like I need to share.  As a person without any experience with strokes, my only brush with that info was quite literally from PSA TV commercials!  Apparently, strokes can happen rather slowly, it can begin with a simple loss of balance, or slight almost undetectable slur in speech….and in this house, Sunday morning before coffee, neither of these symptoms rose to the level of concern, in fact it could almost be noted as quite a normal before coffee Sunday morning function.  As the morning progressed those slight symptoms seemed to be increasing, not by huge leaps or even consistently, but it was growing more obvious.  Every once in a while, per the TV and internet recommendation, I would ask him to smile…  His smile was big, even, with a touch of sarcasm but no typical evidence... he could smile like Alice in Wonderland’s Chesser cat.  However, he did become restless, not wanting to sit still, moving from couch to chair to porch. It was beginning to look like he felt like he was a caged animal, slightly losing his balance, catching himself on the furniture as he passed by it…it was then that I did notice a slight droop in his lip…although I will say again, he could still smile evenly on command.  I was trying very hard to put a good spin on this, how can this be really happening, but I finally knew ...this is not normal…this could be the beginning of really bad.

Off to the hospital to and what became an organized frenzy!  The slow motion all of the sudden became light speed! In the stroke world…this was a small one.  We are home 4 days later, and that improves the healing exponentially.  He still has a little slurred speech that phases in and out and an occasional struggle with balance.  We begin therapy next week…but all in all he is good and getting better.

The lesson for me is that not everything happens just the way it is expected.  There is no standard stroke symptom speed but the symptoms are there…

"All Star" OrtoPilot

polite silence is NOT capitulation

I try so hard to be respectful with my words and deeds (although I have been known to throw rolled socks at the president on TV).  I vote, I look into issues, I form my own opinions without great public fanfare and I do not look for intelligent political discourse on Facebook anymore.  It scares me!  But there are times that my silence feels like I agree with or worse no longer care about politics.  I wonder if people think the current illegal policies and proposed legislation no longer upset my sense of dignity and justice. The atrocities continue.  Day after day separating children from their parents, not holding the President responsible for his actions, legislating women’s bodies, ignoring automatic assault weapons legislation, denying environmental issues and the list goes on and on while our democracy and people suffer.  I wonder if some think my polite silence is some kind of capitulation?

"For What it is Worth" Buffalo Springfield

…whatever that is???

Pieces and Parts… hoping that they fit together!  Had the most amazing afternoon with a “real” sculptor.  Watching her creative process move from an idea in her head, through her hands and into tangible reality!  It is about as close to magic as anything I can imagine!  Although I have played with and worked in clay for life studies, I seem to have slipped back to my beginnings of making clay “puzzle pieces” then assembling them.   Untrained in sculpture, sometimes I just need to go with the flow…whatever that is???

"Fear" Jasmine Sullivan

Fitting in vs Belonging

I have had this nagging struggle but did not even understand what the struggle was...just that it was terribly uncomfortable, aggravating, frustrating, never could be achieved.  It was ever present feeling of not being good enough failure!!  Then this woman comes along and describes it so simply and perfectly!  Perhaps understanding the problem is where the healing begins!

I HATE BEING VULNERABLE!  DAMN IT!
 

"Closer to Fine" Indigo Girls

Not Rattling My Chains Anymore!

Maybe it is age or maybe it is where I am in life or maybe I am finally just getting smarter (well, maybe not) I have learned that 90% of the anger, aggravation and hurt was of my own doing.  For all of the grousing I have done about other people’s expectation of me…I have realized that I had my own unreasonable expectations of other people.  Even when their actions or words really had nothing to do with me, I would feel the need to insert and defend my beliefs and opinions concerning the situation.  Maybe it made me feel like I was smarter…or if everyone did things “my way” my life would be so much easier…NOT!  I am slugging through life like everyone else and making enough mistakes for me and 3 other people.  I am finally at a place where other people and situations just do not rattle my chains anymore.  It is not that I do not care I just choose to not engage…saving my love, my life, my energy on happy and positive.  I know it sounds kind of hokey…but it is working!

"Times Like These" Jack Johnson

the significance of the safety pin….

For what it is worth....I have for 2+ years and will continue to include the image of a safety pin somewhere on my FB posts as a personal gesture and a silent protest against the sitting president, his policies, and the Republicans that are up for re-election, that continue to silently encourage and support hateful, divisive and immoral legislation.  Although my voice is not loud, I want the world to know that I was consistently against hate every day!

"For What it is Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

After she lets go....

I will not lie….my Mother and I had a turbulent relationship!  Life choices that we both made created a difficult, if not impossible Mother-Daughter relationship to develop.  But then there was another element that entered into the difficulties…we both had preconceived notions about how and what a Mother-Daughter relationship should be.  Without the emotional tools to develop our own unconventional relationship, we both depended on an unrealistic version of a combination of a religious Madonna and “Leave it to Beaver” definition.  It was an impossible task to live up to and we both failed miserably.  When we finally were able to admit to ourselves and each other that we were truly inept at this Mother-Daughter thing we were able to forgive and forget and move into an adult friendship that we could define on our own terms.  It was not perfect but, oh my it was so much better.  Letting go of other people’s expectations allowed us to enjoy each other as fallible adults, more than I suspect most typical Mother-Daughter relationships are capable of.  The friendship was amazing but I will confess it is the Mother hugs that truly live on in my heart and give me such strength.  Here's to you Mother....your favorite!

"Take Five" Dave Brubeck

A little booty shake!

It has been kind of a scary week or two…there have been changes…I hate when that happens!  There has been a big increase in med dosages to counter the latest changes and I just had a 24 hr check to see if/or what effects it is having.  The official report is…drum roll please…my heart rate has responded just the way they hoped it would, now we wait a couple of weeks to see how my body adjusts. This is a good thing!  There will not be any holy crap, immediate celebrating or dancing in the streets just yet…but an extra nap here and there and a little booty shake at the front door can’t hurt!

"Dance With You"  The Beatles

A New Realization!

A few trump trolls slipped through my “back door” on to my FaceBook page! I have systematically eliminated all bombastic hateful negative political speak on my page. However, I will confess to posting political satire cartoons and publicly and positively supporting candidates and policies that I admire.   

I am surprised at how personally harmful it is to be exposed every day to such negative irresponsible posts and was ashamed of myself for being drawn into their conversations, defending another (my) point of view, which they rarely, if ever, acknowledged as a valid opinion.   I am a firm believer in and I love participating in active political discourse, but those discussions must first be rooted in a healthy respect for the truth and facts.   They are damaging (I suspect they already know that) and I have to protect myself from their evangelical hate and negativity.  

At the risk of making an ugly generalization, it always feels like mob mentality and it is always the same group of insecure uninformed egotistical old white men. Everyone has a right to express themselves, but when that expression does not intellectually recognize opposing views has no purpose other than demean and belittle anyone that does not believe the same, I have to remove them from my daily exposure.

Here is a new realization…an “unfriended” person’s post will continue to show up on your personal page if and when the post is a response to another one of your “active” friend’s posts….and that is how those ugly comments slip through the “back door” …more “unfriending” to do!

"Ants Marching"  Dave Matthews Band

A craving to experience and expose

Writing, blogging, journaling, I believe, is a practice that teaches me better than any other activity the elusive art of solitude and understanding how to be present with myself, witness my thoughts, experience completely, and fully inhabit my inner life, especially as my outer life declines.  I’ve always had an irresistible fascination with the personal diaries and writing of other artists.  They let me know that “it is not just me”.  Well…sometimes it isn’t just me.  I love that creatives will admit to feelings that most people are afraid to even think about.  I suspect that may be part of our creative inspiration, whether it is visual or written creativity.  I recognize, just like in journaling, a craving to experience and expose.

 "Something to Talk About"  Bonnie Raitt

Her real name....

Anger is ugly, negative, foul, disagreeable, hostile, and aggressive.  Anger is never something I wanted to experience and so I did not. Did I short circuit the grief process? I am still not angry but I do feel guilty. And then grief sneaks in without forewarning as fear.  As I have mentioned so many times before…there are so many web sites and support groups for those that are mourning and grieving the loss of a loved one.  Why can’t we have the same for those of us that are grieving and mourning the loss of our own lives that an illness has made us give up and will never have?  The sorrow is overwhelming sometimes.

"Overkill"  Colin Hay

There must be something to it!

Maybe I share too much!  But there is something magical about getting the thoughts out of my head and into the tangible world.  If you can accept that digital is tangible…  “Seeing a feeling” is freeing!  Sometimes it might be a simple as getting a negative out of my head.  A negative feeling on paper or a screen often weakens the fear, anger, frustration, and it loses its power over me.  The opposite holds true for celebrating, laughing or examining the absurd.  Actually, seeing it gives me the opportunity to enjoy it, laugh or have a second, third, fourth chance to revel in gratitude again.  Either way, I am not sure if it is a “creative” thing or not, but people have been journaling for years there must be something to it!

"The Story of Your Life"  Matthew West

Celebrate Me Home!

Simple, peaceful, cheerful is where I am heading…. not just in the house and garden… but in my life.  Surrounding myself with it…. Allowing my feelings to spill out into the physical space and as always love creating with new “materials” and from a whole new and different point of view!  Looking forward to culling out old plants and then placing the healthy (weed free) potted plants back out there today. 

I am sewing happy new chair cushions and pillows to replace the old faded ones and the porch is now “Alexa-fied”!  Enjoying spending time and resources on making a healing comfortable (easy maintenance) space!

"Celebrate Me Home"  Kenny Loggins

Woo-Hoo! Tad-Poles on the way! 
The pond has only been in the ground 2 nights and already the frogs have laid eggs in the frog pond...The Frogs and tad-poles are our mosquito control...it is a whole ecosystem that we did not plan....It just happened!  But it is grand!

I am sure it knows what to do!

This is just what I needed to read!  All of the fear, all of the bad memories, the guilt, the anger, and the pain are (for the most part) only in my mind.  However, this does not mean that those memories are not capable of initiating the very same unbearable damaging negative feelings that they conjured up originally…

I want desperately to let go of the memories, that still “cut through me like shards of glass” and keep me from enjoying life now.  That old pain, guilt, and anger can be even more damaging.  I am smarter and wiser now, I know what went wrong, I learned the lesson.  But that is the rational brain. The emotional brain works differently. Regardless of the intelligent rationalizations, the destructive emotions are as real and damaging today as they were originally.  Because I think I am "bigger than the memories, I do not expect them to have residual emotional power....but boy they do!

Perhaps it is time to just acknowledge them, allow myself to feel the emotion, to let it wash over me, and then remind myself it is not real anymore. Convincing my mind to let my heart take over…. even though it is broken, I am sure it knows what to do!

"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

Not just funny… but necessary!

In the midst of my latest “feel sorry for myself” blog episodes, I came across this post.  After several minutes of rolling on the floor laughing, I recognized just how much I needed to laugh then decided that I am definitely stealing this one!

Through the course of recent real estate history, my little house is now perched approximately 2 miles from a Baptist Church and a Jehovah Witness Kingdom Hall.  What they both have in common is a very active and aggressive door to door proselytizing program!  Clearly, they do not want to stray far from home and I get regular, and I mean almost weekly assaults from these strolling Bible toters, although lately, some arrive in carloads.  I have tried all of the things I thought would frighten them away…some work…some do not.  Not answering the door, if you see them coming is the best one, but every now and again they manage a covert approach and I am caught off guard.  And here is an agonizing lesson I learned the hard way…if you are caught off guard…here is the #1 thing NOT to do!  Do NOT under any circumstances announce yourself as an atheist, agnostic or member of a weird cult.  That is almost like throwing raw meat into a starving lion’s cage!  You immediately become their god project and the pursuit to “turn” you becomes overwhelmingly obnoxious. They will return over and over again, even send in backups to accomplish the mission of saving your soul for Jesus.  Mix this in with the typical (although not that many, compared to the God Squads) door to door solicitors and it makes a sign like this seem not just funny… but necessary!

PS.. In season...I will add  political door knockers to this list

"NO"  Meghan Trainer

Shake it Out

I have been whining a lot lately…sometimes I seem to need to shake this out and dig into the dark that frightens me.  But I also have to remind myself that there is no light without dark…this is just part of it.  What shocks most people is that I talk about it and it is uncomfortable…It is uncomfortable because IT IS!  And not talking about only keeps me afraid. 

"Shake it Out" Florence The Machine