life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Remember the Truth!

A hostile heart failure coupe has taken my identity, disrupted my life’s purpose and undermined my self-worth. It was a fast and incredibly effective onset and in a state of upheaval and disbelief, I was unable to mount an effective defense. “Cheryl, the victim” consumed me.

Confusion is this disease’s weapon of choice as it hurls a barrage of mixed messages.

My heart is the primary source of love and life but my heart is dying.

A primary care doctor can order and Medicaid will pay for a mammogram and a colonoscopy to look for a disease I do not have, but severely limits cardiologist visits’ for a disease that I do have.

I am told go immediately to the ER for the slightest chest pain but I am sent to the free clinic to reduce hospital visits.

I have a very small balance left on my 2010 Medicaid outpatient services allowance, and turned away by doctors because of it, but have an almost unlimited hospital budget and a very generous hospice allowance.

I am consistently challenged by the rules and regulations of Medicaid, embarrassed that it has become my only option but grateful that it is available.

Medical inconsistent and authoritative nonsense undermines my intelligence and self-confidence.

Muddling through this disease, I am learning that if confusion is its effective on going weapon of choice, my best defense will be the truth.

The truth is I am intelligent, I have and will continue to contribute, I still have purpose, I have value now, and I am only a victim if I allow it.

I have to be on constant guard and always remember the truth!
(but it is not easy)

2 comments:

  1. You have more purpose than anyone I have ever met. You enrich the lives of everyone you come into contact with, directly or indirectly. You teach & inspire all of those who know you and anyone who is blessed enough to witness any of your incredible creations! You are my sister, my friend and the motivation behind what drives me to growth and motivates me to be the best person I can be. You have been my rock for as long as i can remember! I am grateful for you every minute of every day! I respect your feelings, I support you now and always and I love you for everything and all that you are my dear sister - I am here for you now and always!

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  2. You will never know how much you mean to me! Thank you for listening to my secrets. xoxox

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