nobody

Rebel's Manifesto

Walking Away from the Crash

If recognizing the problem is half the battle, then I am well on my way!

I have no flipping clue what I am on my way to, just desperately need to move away from where I have been!

It is time to do, move, go, change, shift, refocus…..

“Think of yourself as an accident victim walking away from the crash: your old life has crashed and burned; your new life isn’t apparent yet. You may feel yourself to be temporarily without a vehicle. Just keep walking.”
                                        — Julia Cameron - The Artist’s Way

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
                                               ~ Jimi Hendricks


I have been stewing in a purple haze, not Jimi’s kind (rats) but the one that I know is familiar to other artists. I find myself asking over and over again, “is this “funk” part of the ongoing price of admission in an artist’s life, is it worth it and can I emotionally afford it?” (And…by the way, knowing that these artist funks are typical, or having been through it before does not make them any easier!!!)  

My creative identity has been cemented to a specific style of work for such a long time that it feels like any redirection will mean giving up what little recognition (and income) I have worked so hard to achieve.  

Life changes combined with the mounting frustration at my inability to make my very recognizable and financially productive body of work fresh, exciting or enlivening has pushed me into a nasty toxic emotional corner. A brooding corner where all of the work is boring, dark and stagnant. I feel trapped and snarled in the fear of letting go of my old familiar art style.

I knew that when I began moving back out into the art world, the smart thing to do would be come back with my recognizable work. I had no idea that taking this creative step backwards would come at such a high emotional price. It felt wrong right away, but I was fraudulently lured back into that art and life style I knew and was comfortable with when it was met with some commercial success. As the “funk” set in I immediately took some creative baby steps forward to an entirely different art medium and style, but rapidly retreated to the old established familiar work.  

  I get irritated with my own fear and    incompetence.  I am so afraid of starting all over again that I just close down. I have shut out friends, family, creatives and anyone that I am afraid might think that is a frivolous selfish waste of time. But, worst of all I have shut down my own creativity. I know it is time to reach up in there and pull it back out regardless of what form the creativity takes.

 I know I have to do it, so please,

“Scuse’ me while I kiss the sky”!

working on it....

Every day, I must unlearn the ways that hold  me back, rid myself of negativity, and learn to fly all over again.  ~Leon Brown              
                                                                                working on it, damn it, working on it!!!!

I wonder...

I am eccentric, impractical, blunt and broken.

My days are often too dark, my nights too long.

I need attention, crave passion and long to be desired.

I trip over my own insecurities.

When words fail me and they often do, I communicate with images and music.

with all of my faults...

I wonder...

am I still worth loving?

 

Crazymaker: A L E R T

I have become really good at identifying and limiting the crazymakers in my life. You know…. those people that create and thrive in high drama, suck up your energy, disregard your time, discount your life, steal you away from your own purpose and direction and in general make you crazy (hence the name crazymaker).    

I have recently discovered one of the most insidious stealth crazymakers I have ever known! A crazymaker that is capable of stopping me dead in my tracks, redirecting my awareness away from all of the boundless positive energy and significant gratitude available to me. A crazymaker that is so incredibly sinister, detection has been almost impossible.

This devious crazymaker does not care whether I have the time or energy to participate in its distorted agenda.

This deceitful crazymaker dispenses personal destruction without the slightest hint of detection.

This cunning crazymaker truly deserves an academy award for the ability to hijack the marvelous authenticity of “now” and create a ridiculous destructive fantasy realm of          “what if”.  

This self-absorbed crazymaker ignores reality, snubs the truth, discounts common sense and disregards the blessings that exist now. 

May I introduce you to the most notorious crazymaker of all time

….ME….

 

I choose...

I need to remind myself every day, every day that it is my choice… I choose. It is alright to listen to advice and opinion but inevitably I am the responsible one that will redeem the rewards or suffer the consequences, I have to listen to my heart.

Quiet the outside, turn down the intensity of feelings and just listen to my heart, my instincts, deep down inside all of the answers are already there.

One foot in front of the other

When the only choice is to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving…that is what you do. On these crappy days I need to be vigilantly aware of how blessed I am that so many of my days are focused and full of purpose.

When these ugly days arrive, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

 One foot in front of the other....One foot in front of the other...One foot in front of the other

I have a confession...



What is seen as successful, fulfilled and happy is as simple as this.

if you expect nothing from anybody, you are never disappointed

Expect nothing…keeps my heart protected and lessens pain.

Expecting nothing... keeps me insulated, safe, strong, but extremely lonely.

I am incapable of trusting and unable let anyone fully into my heart and/or life.

I cannot afford the emotional cost.

Whew...it is not just me!
from 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
14.  Give up attachment.  This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words

Grades are posted!

And… the semester from hell is finally signed, sealed and scored! I finished with an A in Linguistics. Not a bad class, language, semantics and what constitute a truth or a lie, especially as it applies to politicians, a hard class but very interesting.

Astronomy was a bitch! I figured I would be lying on a blanket with a bottle of wine, romantically staring up at the planets, figuring out constellations and the names of stars. I sure as hell did not figure on a massive dose of physics and quantum mechanics as part of it. I was woefully unprepared for the astronomical amount of (pardon the pun) math and science required to calculate chemical compositions, orbital speeds and rates of decay. I finished with an unimpressive C, but am thrilled that I passed at all. I am ready to dance in the streets! (If I had someone to celebrate with, it would be perfect!)

I am so ready for summer! Bring on the heat!

disconnect...

Seems simple, but for me this statement is full of guilt and selfishness instead of being an uncomplicated statement of self-care.

The sharing and engaging are easy; it is disconnecting that creates the problem. The disconnecting is the source of my angst.  

I want to be liked and loved...sacrificing my own feelings to make that happen.   

Am I the only one that does not know the difference between self-care and selfishness?  

How do I learn this?

What next?

I launched back into my life last year, thinking that was all I needed to do. It was a huge emotional step.   I rescued what I had lost by digging into the past, resuming life where I left off and evoking the courage I once had to continue on the path that seemed so right for me.  

I felt returning to my work, my art and the outdoor art show circuit was all I needed to do to reclaim my life. However, while I was physically and emotionally healing, life changed or maybe it was just me.  I did learn that I can do much more physically than I thought was possible, but found out that it often comes at a high price. I am learning that I cannot simply go backwards to the life I knew and had control of.  

There has been a shift in my world.  I felt like I knew and understood that my life would be different but I did not expect that my confidence, future and purpose would lose focus and become so muddy. I wanted to effortlessly slide backward into my comfortable life, but I see now that is not going to happen. I am going to have to work hard to move forward, create a new life and it scares me.

I am frightened, lost, and I hurt. I understand that this discomfort and uncertainty is not a punishment, but a necessary part of growth and transformation.  As much as I understand this concept intellectually it does not mitigate the emotional pain I feel. 

I do not know what is next, all I can do now is release my past and faded expectations.

Maybe the Universe is telling me....more creative facilitating

It was a great opening reception!  The Artist's Way Artists enjoyed themselves, they were proud of their accomplishments  Every single umbrella sold and the proceeds will fund 4 scholarships for summer art camp. 

ummmm.....and they missed my last name on both counts....what is that about????

Outside my Comfort Zone

"Umbrellas"   2013 Leesburg Artist's Way Group Exhibition

I wish all of the answers were more clear, but maybe all I need to do right now is just keep putting me, my art and my creativity out into the Universe without any expectations.  

Facilitating the Artist's Way in Leesburg introduced me to a brand new group of artists.  This should not come as any news to me or anyone else for that matter.  However, I was quickly reminded after the first class that they were all new.  I cannot remember the last time I taught or facilitated a class that there was not at least one "repeater" and sometimes more.  It was comfortable for me to begin a new group with friendly recognizable faces.  This time they were all newbies, not one familiar face with approving nods as I work through the chapters each week. 

Tonight was wonderful and different, as this new Artist's Way Group installed their remarkable exhibition.  All of these new artists trusted and believed in me.  They followed my lead and created and reached way outside of their comfort zone. What they have created is genuinely remarkable!

They are teaching me that maybe outside of my own comfort zone is where I should consider spending  more of my own  time.

Do I have to decide NOW???

It is not hard enough to have one life situation that craves a decision, but several people, circumstances, and life all demanding I decide NOW.  

Who and what is creating all of this pressure to make these decisions? I will freely admit there is a possibility that a good part of it is coming, not from others, but from me. I am the one looking for the clean, simple, easy life, but there appear to be times that life is going to be messy no matter what I do.


What is worth my love, my heart and my life to try harder?  

When is it time to walk away, stand still or move forward?

in my heart...

Expectations & Reality

Expected a marvelous successful art show but the reality sucked!

There is no other way to describe it. All of the expenses, all of the preparation, combined with all of the physical and emotional investment needed to do an outdoor art festival are no guarantee for success.

Although it would be easier to point out the faults of the show organization, and the many egregious deficiencies that included, little if any marketing, lack of staff involvement, way to many and poor quality crafts and the inclusion of “buy sell” vendors, I must assume the responsibility. I have to step up to the plate and acknowledge my part in the failure and sincerely look for the lessons I need to learn.

First, I have to recognize that I chose to do this show. Years ago, after many failed local shows, I opted to move out of this market. It was a very successful and lucrative decision.  

Unfortunately the fear created by an old difficult experience of being hospitalized while out of town blinded me. I am afraid (and perhaps rightfully so) that it will happen again.  

I expected I could start new by continuing with my same old work, in an area I already knew was not going to work for me. My fear insisted that I stay close to home with work I knew would sell…. 

I failed anyway.

I have the experience and common sense to know better but fear of failure crept into my life and rational thinking disappeared.

I need to look at me realistically, what I can do, where I can do it, honor my life situations and make some big hard decisions about how and where I move forward with my art and my life.

And most of all I need to remember
I cannot move forward by repeating past successes.
I cannot move forward without RISK.

 

 

and...a fantastic Friday night!

The weekend is not over yet, but has already been full of ups and downs but Friday night was the bomb!

Art show tent set up was dicey at times, with the afternoon winds gusting to 20-25 mph.  A tent with all of that canvas is a square sail without a boat.  We had to keep the thing weighed down all through the "building" process, and those ugly unyielding weights ended up just being more crap to trip on and over! 

However, we gratefully escaped the forecasted rain.  The local news stations (all of them) predicted a 50% chance of heavy thunderstorms.  This is never an ideal situation for an outdoor art show and especially one that opens at night! 

Against all odds, the opening night was dry, calm and beautiful.  The lighted art tents were spectacular, the live jazz was across the lake (ummmm pond) which was great to listen to.  The music traveling over the water produced the most magnificent sound and at perfect volume.

Then I had a spectacular surprise.  A visit from a bevy of my greatest "art girls"  Tory had an early opening at Gallery 1350 West (which explains that "drop dead" gorgeous black dress and heals) and they all came from her gallery opening down to see me.  No way I could ever explain to anyone how excited and tickled I was to see them all!  Skip played bar tender pouring wine behind the tent and we celebrated ART like only we can do in the tent, well after the show officially closed!

Friday night was a phenomenal start to what I had hoped would be a fantastic weekend, but Saturday produced minimal crowds and no sales. I am discouraged but hoping tomorrow is much much better. 

Regardless of what happens next, no one can take away the joy of sharing art, dear friends and a fantastic Friday night!

Thank you all!

What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

The last couple of weeks I have become disgustingly aware of the fact that I am just NOT a spring

chicken any more. Just not popping back up after being sick and to add injury to insult, I seem to have brewed up another totally aggravating situation. Whether it is age or HF or a combination there is no question about how much it sucks!  

And just for the record….. What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?