life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

What I can and what I will...

I can feel my life changing again and at first blush it sucks.  Unsolicited life changes are much like adult naps.  Naps are wonderfully extravagant mini-vacations when they are not necessary but when you do not have any choice in the matter they become annoying reminders of my inability to function normally for a full day.  This week and a typical art gallery installation became a glaring realization that I cannot do the things I used to do.  Life is changing and again I find I do not have a choice.  It is horribly difficult to give up activities I loved, even when it is obvious that I cannot do them like I used to. If I give up those things I could do and do very well then I feel like I am giving up on who and what I am. I keep feeling like I just need to push harder, longer and it will all come back to me.  It always did in the past.  But, that was the life that allowed me to do anything I wanted to do. I never really appreciated what a spectacular gift that was.  Now, all I can do is remember and celebrate the person that I was but admit to myself and others that I can no longer function as that person. I do not want to keep feeling like a chronic and constant failure because I cannot do what I used to do.   I have to learn how to grieve the loss of the person I was and then begin to look for and find the person I can be. I need to find the creativity, the balance and the strength that will move me into what I still can and will do…. And I must confess, I am looking forward to the excitement of searching for and finding a new path!
"Kola"  (I Remember)  Damien Jurado

1 comment:

  1. This describes how I also feel dealing with my "old age" to a tee...and like you...they have come too early in life