life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Thursday, August 10, 2017

Redirecting...every chance I get!

I confess…I have her book on death and dying, and I did read some of it, but at the time it was way too “clinical” for me. Then there were the stages of grief, the concept that she gained so much recognition for, that are important and truly recognizable, but for those of us with long chronic terminal illness, they forget to mention that you might go through these stages over and over and over again! And I have truly labored with that and it made my angry that she did not tell me that!

It just takes a while to get to the place she is describing here. I do not think it is work through the stages, once and poof, you arrive at her “beautiful person”. I didn’t…but maybe that is just me. Most of us think we should fight, and I think we all should fight but I also think we should be taught there is a time that we each need to quit that fight and accept the amazing process of end of life.  Fighting sucks up so much time, energy and money.  I do not want anyone think that giving in to the inevitable act of dying is some easy peace that suddenly just arrives….it does not!   It is a difficult, hard, sometimes sad, and horribly consuming lesson, which by the way there are NO books that give you any help or direction with this.  It is not so much a giving up as it is a redirecting.  In my life “redirecting” means changing where I spend my time, energy and money. Redirecting it from fighting to live…to actually living.  Living the best way I can!  It is not a giving up, it is redirecting and it may be one of the most difficult things I have ever done! And just like the stages of grief, I am going through this over and over again.  Each time I bump into something I used to be able to do and can’t any more…I am angry, then hurt, then sad but eventually I have got to learn how to redirect that wasted energy into the life I have. I do not want to waste any more of my life being hurt or angry or afraid.
"Doing the Things that We Want to"  Lou Reed

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