life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, August 7, 2017

I know, it looks like complete destruction....but....

I have had 2 days bumped up right next together that the Universe has been talking to me, and I do not believe it could have spoken louder…perhaps it is time to listen.  Artist’s Way has become increasingly difficult to do, and last night’s gallery installation was a screaming exclamation point!  I have loved facilitating; for 23 years I facilitated 27 classes and that is just Artist’s Way it does not count the other creative classes, art business classes,  paint dancing, book groups, full day and weekend workshops.  I can truly say I have followed my passion, shared my gifts, given back to the universe and done what I loved.  Things have changed, what used to come so easily is a struggle now both emotionally and physically. Perhaps it is me changing as well as the kinds of creative people struggling to live in this world with their creativity.  Creatives, in general, seem to be less and less willing to give up ego and control to dig into their own hearts and souls where all of those answers live. Part of my job has always been to create a safe place for them to release ego and control and share those parts of themselves in a supportive safe place. I have always felt more than qualified to guide them through that process….because it is a demon I recognize and fight regularly. I have struggled with recognizing it and disarming it my entire life….but I just do not have the strength to wrestle the difficult personalities anymore.  I have been unable to give some of the dearest fragile creatives a safe place to expose themselves this summer, nor have I been able to capture the attention of others that have let their ego and control run amuck and cast negativity over themselves and the group.   I cannot seem to break through it anymore and the universe is saying it is time to move forward…I do not know what forward is yet, but I recognize the seed analogy, I am cracked, broken and in the process of becoming completely undone.  This is part of my growth, I do not want to see it as a failure or an ending but the beginning of something not yet recognizable… It is time to let this part of my life go.  It is part of life…it is part of death and my choice is to fight it or celebrate it.  I choose to celebrate.
"Death With Dignity"  Sufjan Stevens

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