life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Maybe it is time to use my imagination first!

I have heard this before….hell I have even posted it on FB before (and quite frankly again today)!  But today it feels different.  In the past, it felt like the battle cry to go out and imagine a new life.  I have done that, it was not easy but it felt right, there was always a pull in that direction!  I would see someone doing something and there would be a tug or some kind of immediate recognition in my heart.  I would know immediately that I was “attached” to that job, activity, class or whatever I was looking at.  There was some kind of unexplainable knowing.  Perhaps the closest thing I can relate it to would be a religious calling, but since I have never had one of those or know anyone who has actually had a calling….it is just a guess.  Recognition was always the first step.

My imagination was the second step. I would see something and then imagine myself doing it.  I would make it mine, figure it out, create in my imagination a scenario of what this would look like when I did it. That was historically how I have made me and things happen. Life is changing, heart failure is really beginning to take hold of my physical abilities and I do not get out as much.  Of course, income, although still very important is not the #1 driving force… unfortunately it really never has been. I have always lived on the edge.

Maybe it is time to shake things up a bit…maybe time to imagine what I want my life to look like first.  I am not sure, I am truly wrestling with “what comes next”.  I just know it is time to understand where I have been, be incredibly grateful for all of the opportunities and people and then I have to release myself from having to live up to my own “history”.  Maybe it is time to use
my imagination first!
"If Only"  Maria Taylor

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