It Stops Life...

My ugly four-letter “F” word is fear.
Nothing has had more impact or done more damage in my life that this little four letter word and all of the repulsive emotions that are lined up behind it.

No more fear...No more fear...

Someone should just strangle them with those lights!

Grouch...Grump....Gripe....Moan....Bitch...Belly Ache...Crab...Fuss & Fume

It is bad enough that Christmas arrives in the stores the week BEFORE Halloween these days, and now with Thanksgiving barely over, the neighbors are stringing Christmas lights on their houses. I have even seen fully decorated Christmas trees through the windows at night. For heaven’s sake, it isn’t even Dec. yet. Bad enough that the stores are doing it, now the neighbors are too.  Someone should just strangle them with those lights! Bah Humbug!!!!

Fire Up the Keg-er-ator, Here Comes Your Momma and the Green Bean Casserole!

Holy CRAP!!!
It is that time of year already and there is a wiff of turkey in the air.  I am lacing up my “go” shoes and getting ready to head out of here.   Last year the official Evan’s Thanksgiving was delightfully non-traditional. We celebrated on Wednesday, the night before, at the Outback Steak House, a thick cut medium rare steak and lots and lots of beer = a full tummy and a nice buzz! .  No cooking, no cleaning, no leftovers.   The PERFECT THANKSGIVING!

I was not always this cynical, there were many many many years that I spent the entire Thanksgiving day in my tiny little kitchen, messing up every pot, pan and dish we owned, producing a semi-perfect Thanksgiving dinner for what felt like a cast of thousands. Then washing all those pots and pans and dishes, and cramming tons of leftovers into an already overwhelmed refrigerator.  I can appreciate the first Thanksgiving story, but have never really understood how that story translates into me wedged in a tiny kitchen all day and night, performing unspeakable heinous acts of cooking....Damn you Pilgrims! 

My version of "Over the River and Through the Woods" is heading up I-75 to Gainesville to spend T-day with my sons, and all of my grandsons (that is all 4 of my little guys), 3 of my best big guys and a smoked turkey with all the trimmings (cooked by #1 son and his awesome wife).  Yes, it will be a very traditional Thanksgiving day, which has not been my style lately, but there will be beer! 
Let me see...No cooking, no cleaning, no leftovers (for me anyway) a full tummy and a nice buzz....hmmmmm- this will fit nicely into my current idea of the perfect Thanksgiving! 

Fire up the keg-er-ator, Jason, here comes your Momma and the green bean casserole!

Oh Momma, Make this Stop!

BARF! No seriously…. BARF!

I hate pills…..they hate me!
New batch-o-pills talking back (ugly) to me! I was told this new stuff would be like magic, I would get so much energy back. AAAAACK!!!!!  I was not counting on that energy being used up running back and forth to the bathroom!   
Oh Momma, make this stop!

and the Test Results are in....drum roll please!

Drum-roll please…..there is good news and not so good news. Kind of sounds like my life, there are good days and not so good days. But, you know now that I think about it, isn’t that everybody’s life?

First of all 91 on the Logic exam, an 84 on Latin American History, (was marked down 8 points for not citing the (very young, and oh so egotistical) professor’s lectures in my essay.

The medical tests are about the same, there were no perfect 100’s but the final report is respectable and passing. Everything seems to be progressing as expected. However, I had such a spectacular year and was doing so phenomenally well that I had become quite spoiled. We were all kind of hoping that this latest down turn could have been attributed to another, but easily fixed clogged artery, unfortunately that was not the situation (sounds a little nuts that I was hoping for a clogged artery). The recent symptoms are just heart failure doing what heart failure does and heart failure is pretty much self explanatory.

They are adding one crappy medication, the kind I really, really hate, but have agreed to try again.  There is a new happy wrinkle in this story, I now qualify for a new clinical trial medicine that is reported to be getting great results (and bonus...... it is free!).  I am anxious to try anything that might give me back some of my energy.  It is a little scary that they do not understand why this medicine works but hey, I have got nothing to loose here and I have a very busy year ahead of me, an art show (yep you heard me, I am the poster artist for this one), lots and lots of teaching, a kick-butt bucket list to get working on and I am going to need every ounce of energy we can squeeze out of those little pills!

So, stand back, the paint slopping, wine drinking, clay spanking, art hauling Cheryl will be  kicking butt again very soon and I will be expecting a Drum-roll!

Where the hell is my fairy godmother?

I am sick of reality!  All I really want to do is not pay attention to what my heart is or is not doing. I am convinced that it will do what it will do, and fretting and focusing on what is going on in there only wastes my energy and steals my time. But tomorrow I will have to pay attention and focus on what they tell me, tomorrow I find out what is going on in there and what we are going to do….or not do...and I am scared.  The less I think about it, the better, healthier, and happier I am. But tomorrow for just a little while I have to look reality right in the face and deal with it.  Where the hell is my fairy godmother?



One test result down….2 more to go!

The worst part about taking tests, I have discovered is not taking the test, but waiting for the results. The Logic mid-term came back, 91/100 and I’ll take it and dance in the streets. Latin American history mid-term is still being graded and I just got a call from the HF Clinic for an appointment in 2 weeks to go over the latest heart stuff.  

The only test I did not have to study for is the one I will have to wait the longest to hear about. I used to file that under the “no news is good news” but in the medical world I have learned the hard way that ain’t necessarily so. In the meantime, I wait.  

All that being said, I had a new kind of angiogram. They slowed my heart down to 45-50 beats per minute and then are able to shoot contrast die into an IV and run me through a CT scan. Whew….that is soooooooo much better than the heart catheter. I will happily wait for those results…if it means I do not have to have that catheter run up a groin artery and lying still for hours!   

One test result down….2 more to go!

The treasure of living life beyond the expected...

Halloween with all of the ghosts, goblins and candy has come and gone and every year I swear that I go be bed with pumpkins and wake up to Christmas trees. These next few weeks fly by, and there is never enough time!

After a week of mid-term exams and hospital tests, we ran away to St. Augustine with our children and grandchildren to play. It was a wonderful weekend, even though hurricane Sandy kept the Pirate ship in port and that entry on my bucket list will have to wait for another time. The ghost hunt and putt-putt golf was not effected by weather and was very fun.

Sometimes the kids are willing to follow my lead, sometimes not. However, the decision to stay at the Casa Yallaha hostel house was fantastic. After years of art shows and staying in hotel rooms that can best be described as monotonous, sterile boxes carved into the side of long undistinguishable hallways, the hostel is a breath of fresh air. No TV’s but oodles of interesting people from all over the world with fascinating conversation, better than any TV program could ever be! I think my socially hygienic sons are beginning to see the treasure of living life beyond the expected.

Sweet-Sweet Good Days!

Whew!  I was way over due for a good day and got a spectacular one today!  A delightful meeting with an art center about teaching! 

Delivered an original piece to its’ new owner.

Delivered I hi-res scan of the Great White Heron that is going to be used for the Leesburg Art Festival poster in March 2013.

Oh how nice to be coming out of that nasty funk!  I understand the ugly days are a necessary part of life.  How would we recognize the good days, if we did not have the bad ones?  Those nasty, ugly, bad days sure do make the good days sweet!

Head vs. Heart

I am just now learning how to “step outside of myself” to look at life and situations from a different, less emotional perspective. When handling difficult circumstances or making important decisions it is the most valuable emotional “ tool” in my box. Working from a strict “head” position has some serious advantages!

It is interesting that in today’s world so much of the media, marketing, medical and political industry are counting on me working strictly from my heart and fear. Fear (heart) is how we are controlled, thinking and common sense (head) is how we stop this.

In a recent medical situation, when I stepped beyond my emotions, and pragmatically looked at what was being done and why, it was grossly evident that these actions were not about my health needs but the desires of the financial and legal liability of others.

Using my head allowed me to take my power back, to listen, to hear and to make an intelligent decision without struggling with my fear and emotions. However, regardless of how much control I have of a situation, I often feel my heart creeping in to complicate the issue.

My heart, my emotions are mine, they are personal, they give me the ability to love, they give me the power to create, they define who I am. I cannot allow them to be used against me, so I will not behave in ways that others feel are appropriate or for their personal or financial gain. Allowing others into my heart gives them power over my head.   It is a war.

Loosing Ground

I had to stop, re-group and remember this one, because I am angry and I want desperately to “throw dirt” at the medical industry.  

It is more business and less care. Fashioned after a corporate manufacturing business that produces immediate results, efficiency and profits, they have forgotten at its roots it should be about people. In emergency health situations, immediate results are easy to identify but in long-term chronic illnesses, they are truly in need of work.  

The medical industry plugs every health situation into a standard rubric to come up with the logical (you will be cured) conclusion. They have not figured out that chronic illness and our lives already have a “standard” conclusion, but it will not fit into the, “you will be cured” rubric. Trying to mash me into that rubric makes me (and the medical industry) feel like a failure. 

Nobody wins! 

It does not have to be like this! 

It should not be like this!


i am just pooped...

Pity party ALERT

There are days that this is really really hard. More than the physical issues, the emotional part of this makes it so grueling. There are days it just does not seem worth the struggle. Some days my heart hurts, but my head keeps me together. Other days my head is exhausted but I am so grateful that my wonderful heart is still working, and then there are days like today, when my head and my heart crap out at the same time. It is overwhelming and I begin to wonder why I am doing this. I am very tired. I know I should be grateful, but have to wonder when this will all be over? I am so ready for it to be done. I am just pooped…

saving my heart...



AMA again....

A day at the hospital was absolutely horrible.  I have been poked, prodded and pushed and the only answer was... that they wanted me to stay for a day or 2 longer in the cardiac unit, so they can do more. I cannot do more! Why can’t they understand, I cannot do more emotionally!  I cannot do more financially!  I cannot do hospitals.  I do not want to be sick, I do not want be around sick people and places.  I do not need molecular, enzymatic, nuclear electrical answers, to everything?  Just make this stop. I cannot stay in a hospital while they just look around and do test after test to tell me what I already know. I have another hospital black mark on my name and I have checked out AMA again. Why won't they understand?  Why don't they understand? 
Never again...
Never again!

The Razor's Edge

Sometimes, I think too hard.
Should I damn the torpedoes (or the feelings of others) just make myself happy with all the art and passion, I can get, while I can?

Should I “not rock the boat” maintain the status quo, be the good girl, make everyone else happy?

Should I aspire to the higher good, leave a lasting mark on the world?

Every day I wake up with a different focus and a limited amount of time.  I should be able to choose and focus on at least one of the above, but cannot settle on one or the other.
Is there some way I can do it all? 
Is this the razor's edge I am trying to avoid by NOT chosing?

Time

You can always tell when school has started; my time is stretched to its limit. Creating art and writing are the first activities to take a hit! And I am feeling it! 

Time is inexplicable, there is always too much or too little.  

My one-woman exhibit came down today, and it was bitter sweet. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it has been and as it turns out it has been magnificently lucrative, too. I was pushed physically and creatively and although I got very close to my breaking point, I did not! I rushed so to get the art finished and framed , I dashed back and forth to Leesburg to the events, but looking back I wish I had taken more time to just stand back, look at what I had accomplished and truly enjoy it.  



Time to figure out what I need to do next.  But this time I want to pay more attention to the "doing" and less concern about the time!

Gifts

Some gifts come in boxes covered in pretty paper and tied in ribbon. They are fun and easily recognized but the gifts that life delivers are not always so easy to identify. Sometimes gifts are life lessons that come packaged in fear, heartache and hurt. But they are gifts nonetheless. I have to wade through the grief, before these situations reveal their rewards and point out what is important, where my power is, how to be strong, what to let go of, what to hang on to and how to move through difficult situations with strength and grace.

I am beginning to recognize all of the gifts and lessons I am receiving and I am learning to accept what comes next with dignity, strength and grace. I still have a long, long way to go.

Bitch… Moan… Whine…

Monday has lapped right on into Tuesday!   Not that Tuesday was anything special.  Tuesday’s only real claim to fame is that it is not Monday. 

The “logic” class I am taking is anything but logical.  After struggling for days with the beginning semantics I find that a big part of my problem is that in logic “valid” does NOT mean true, or factual or any other word I thought all of my life it meant.  Perhaps it does mean those things in regular life but NOT in logic.  Is that logical?

City advisory board meeting tonight, nuff said!

Heart Failure Clinic appointment at the butt crack of dawn in the morning....and again, could we please call this office something-anything else?  Hate the place, hate going, intensely dislike everything about it.  It is always an embarrassing, humiliating, frustrating, horrible experience.  YIKES!   Hate-Hate-Hate it. 

I know I should be grateful for all of my wonderful gifts, and I want to,  but sometimes I just need to be gross, ugly, outrageously offensive and just let it rip!  Bitch....Moan...Whine.....

Wonky and a Cheeseburger

I really needed this reminder today! 

Been dragging my ass because things have changed and I am not able to live up to the expectations I have for what a normal should be or look like. 

Sometimes I get so caught up in the appearance of normal and perfection that I cannot see at all. 

There are some days that I am physically exhausted for no reason, and most times that can be fixed with a short rest,  but the worst days are the ones I am emotionally exhausted,

there is nothing that can fix that,

except a little wonky

and a cheeseburger!