It’s the little things…or in this case the super mega ultra-strong!

In days like these, I have been grossly reminded of how many things I have truly taken advantage of.  The availability of toilet paper has never been at the top of my priority list but had always been readily accessible to me and now it was GONE. 

Almost 2 ½ months of gloving and masking up to stalk the dollar store the moment it opened, hoping to score 1 of the 3 miserable packages of 4 for a dollar 80 grit TP they put out each morning then having relatives box up rolls and ship them to me in plain brown boxes finally came to an end. 

It finally happened!  I received 6 Charmin mega rolls with my regular weekly Walmart Grocery order delivery Woo-Hoo!  

Between the stalking, masking, negotiating, shipping and receiving I was beginning to feel like a class A smuggler in training!

"Smugglers Blues" Don Henley

Trust the Timing...Not Yet!

Really?  Loosing a spouse regardless of timing is lousy!  More than lousy, worse than any of my worst dreams! I did not just loose the love of my life I immediately lost half of our income, half of my identity, half of my courage, 90% of my conversations and just about the time I think I have made a fair assessment of the losses and beginning plowing through the efforts to rebuild, another thing happens and a vile amount of vulnerability is exposed.  Trust the timing? NOT YET!

"No Such Thing"  John Mayer

The next 8....

OK…I will start this list…for me

 #1 is…ouch… pain!  Even when it is pretty much under control with meds, when the pain begins it stops all of my efforts to do anything, it stops whatever I am doing, and wait for the meds to kick in.  As it turns out it does not matter what I am doing, this will bring it to a grinding halt!

#2 I am pooped, just out of energy.  I am learning how to generate, spend, and reserve it.  It is my most precious “commodity” and gift.  I will stop anyone that attempts to draw me into an energy-wasting effort.

So…if I could get #1 and #2 whipped, I think I would really have the next 8 under control!

"I'm No Superman"  Lazlo Bane

Goals....

Ah…this one has been around for a while, but I need to re-remind myself what it all means every now and again.  Those 4 words came from a book group study.  “Desire Mapping” by Danielle LaPorte.  The subject was about goal setting, but it came at it from a whole new perspective!  Instead of setting long term goals that may or not be achieved and regardless of which it is, both of those possible outcomes present the obvious question "What next?" or beating myself up emotionally because I did not achieve it.   This book got me to rethink goals in terms of how I want to feel EVERY DAY.  These are my goals for how I want to feel every single day I am here.  Everything else will fall into place if I can keep these 4 feelings in front of my daily existence. Life and shit happens! I have had my share of both, as I am sure most of us have.  Long term desires and goals get sidelined.  But my daily emotional goals get me through it all! excited, fearless, connected, passionate....yes!

"The Life I Know"  India Arie

More Confessions from a Control Freak.

For someone that had so much control of my own life in most areas, there were clear and obvious areas that I did not! The overwhelming changes in my life the last couple of years have truly pointed this out, along with gross amounts of fear and vulnerabilities that are now ever-present.  I am giving up and have no desire to control anything that has the power to “talk back”.  I am enjoying “Not My Cat”, working on much overdue house projects, dotted with small sewing or garden projects.  Yes….I am still a control freak, but I am choosing more carefully the areas of life that I have a small shot at having some control of!

"All Star" OrtoPilot

The Junk Man Cometh!

It has taken a while to get this far, but here I am!  Made an appointment with “Got Junk?” to root out the old picture frame equipment, picture frame molding AND the front storage room….whew! I have been watching too many episodes of “Hoarders”! The last thing on my list of “need to get done” is a plumber to fix the studio bathroom toilet…Finally I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!

"Closer to Fine" Indigo Girls

Even when what is true is pain...

“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved – can seem futile.

You aren’t the person you were before. This experience of love that you’re living has knocked you off course. When you gain your footing again – and that takes the time it takes – you’re going to be facing a different direction. You’ll have to find out how you fit here now, who you are in this new place.” ~Megan Devine

As I began to “re-enter” my life, I realize how much it has changed.  I am not sure if it is me, or everyone else.  I suspect it is me.  When I had an idea, a plan, or a problem Skip and I talked it over, figured it out, made a plan.  Then we moved forward, we did not care what other people thought. Then we would celebrate or fail together, carrying the brunt of responsibility together.  Now it is all on me.  All of the self-help books tell me to get out there, make connections, but it just is not working out.  I am uncomfortable, the creators I always felt were like me risk-takers, trailblazers, rule-breakers the lovers of different, the pushers of the envelope are frozen by fear.  I am still here, I still have so much learning to do…but I have to be careful about how I fill in the blank spaces.  Fear cannot be a part of my life.  I have to learn to make my own decisions, own my own failures and successes.

"I am Here, I am not Here" Julia Stone

This Box has to go!

But I am running into lots of people that sure do like their boxes!  I do not want to waste a moment of life and those boxes that other people have created for the rest of us to live in…suck.  Yes, there are some “boxes” that we must work in…. Like traffic rules, the IRS, laws, city codes, and a few others but most of the boxes are created out of our own fear.  I was up all night last night….panicked and afraid!  Afraid because 2 people knocked on my door and when I had Alexa turn on the light, they ducked under the camera and ran.  They were probably kids…. but I could not climb out of that “fear” box.  I was up and down all night afraid they would come back. I cannot let fear creep into my life. Not now!                                             This BOX has to go!

"Fear" Jazmine Sulivan

...and a new bed spread!

It has been an ugly week of being a grown-up  Possum catching, AC fixing, water main breaking, and a doctor’s appointment on top of the regular nurse visit.  It was nice to get chocolates for Mother’s Day and I bought myself a new bedspread.  It has not been all bad! But this “adulting” thing….more chocolate please!

.


"All You Need is Love"  The Beatles

The Buggar Thinks he has Won!

I have been beaten by a possum….and yes, I know I spelled it wrong…on some level I am claiming it as a victory because every other way he/she has won and I have had to contact a professional.  The buggar thinks he has won, but I have pulled out the big guns and my wallet!

I understand what these creatures are docile and a good thing for the environment, but…they are a BAD thing for my attic and my cat.  Two rather expensive trips to the vet's office, treating Not My Cat for bites and scratches created by most certainly “something than another cat” combined with my sighting of a possum in the back yard, a torn soffit vent screen, and my son actually seeing possum poop in the attic has confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a “freeloader” wreaking havoc at my house!  And then the possum catcher said there is a chance the possum urine may seep through the insulation and the ceiling drywall.  GROSSSSSS!!!  As it turns out…attic possum catchers may fall right under plumbers and electricians when it comes to the cost of service.  But here I am in the middle of possum remediation, including animal removal, sanitation, mitigation, and securing all possible entry points.  My only hope at this point is that my empty wallet will equal an empty attic!  I really hate being a grown-up sometimes! Nobody ever explained this part of living alone!

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

Showing too much

Every time I write here, I feel like I am whining, complaining, exposing, being too personal, or being everything, I was taught I should not do…showing too much of myself, but here I am…doing it almost every day.  I am certain that on some mental-emotional level it is the best thing I can do for myself.  It is the best way for anyone that really wants to know me, and how I am surviving life and death, Skip’s and my own, I am leaving a record.  I am also leaving written evidence of how much I hate being a grown-up!  I hope like hell, that Neil Gaiman is right and maybe I am starting to get this right!

"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

Scotch in the waiting room...

I am not a believer in heaven where we all live happily ever after in the bosom of your family after death, but it was hard to deny the smile that crawled across my face today, as imagined Skip and my Mother together.  

Much earlier in our married life, I had one hell of a battle with my kidneys. Seven major operations in 2 years…followed by 5 more in the next few years. It was a struggle for newlyweds and a new family. Skip and my Mother had established a surgical waiting room ritual that involved a flask of scotch. They developed a relationship over the hours of waiting and that flask that I would never really be a part of, but clearly, something very special between a mother in law and son in law was born. There is some unexplainable feeling of comfort today as I ridiculously imagine the 2 of them in some waiting room, telling each other stories, assuring each other I would be fine, laughing with their scotch, waiting for me. I will finally get to know their scotch, secrets, and stories!

 

"Into the Mystic" Van Morrison

Next to the last first....

This first year is not over yet but what it is full of is “firsts without you” Halloween, Thanksgiving,  45th wedding anniversary, Christmas, New year’s, Valentine's, and the list goes on.  Each one is like another stab through my heart, but each one I survive.  As your 69^th birthday arrives, I realize this may be the “last FIRST” until the anniversary of your death in Aug.

From then on, my heart will know what to expect, it will no longer be an overwhelming and debilitating  loss of emotional control but it will always be the source of memories and love and loss.

" I will"  Ben Taylor

Your Bell...

Your bell still rings all day and all night.  I cannot see you or touch you anymore, but I can hear you and feel you, I know you are here with me, in our little house waiting for us to be together again.  I am trying to make you proud of me and be a strong woman you made me, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…I miss you so very much!

"Till There was You"  The Beatles

What I Give Power to, has Power Over me....

I did not plan for any of this…a widow with terminal and end-stage heart failure. It sucks.  And yes, there are times when it hurts like hell, there are days, if I had a choice, I would throw my hands up and scream “I Quit” doing this alone only seems to compound the fear and loss...or maybe not, since I have only seen this from this one perspective.  But I am learning daily that I do have the power to find and control a good part of this. It actually falls into what I have always felt but somehow could not apply to my own situations.  “I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it”.   It does all begin and end in my own mind…

"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

Brain Farts...

And thank goodness for Alexa!  I am not sure I could function at all without her constantly prompting me when to take meds, use the nebulizer, where I need to be, meetings, and now I have Alexa in the car too.  I still lose words in the middle of a sentence, that I laughingly refer to as “brain farts” and the probably the biggest reason I knew it was time to quit teaching. Alexa, cheat sheets, and a watch that sends me notes…. I will do and use anything to convince you and myself that I am just fine!

" I Got This"

A New Definition of Self...

Some 5ths are harder than others.  Just about the time, I am ready to proclaim to the world…it is better….I can do this…my heart and my body scream…not yet bitch!  Grief is not done with you yet!  Maybe is it a Monday and a 5^th back to back, or one of a thousand other possible “triggers” who knows what or why maybe it was the trauma and shock of that morning, maybe this is what PTSD feels like, I just do not know, but I do know is that it forces me to make alterations and redefine who and what I am, and apparently as much as I have gotten myself together there is still so much more I do not know or understand!

"Me" Paula Cole

"The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of.

You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold you hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.

Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

There is so much work to do to change this grief-averse culture. We need a whole bunch of tools to help grieving people feel supported, and let friends & family know how to give their support. " ~Megan Devine

Back to Life...

I recall vividly and still see it on my bad days, the look and the unsaid words by those that want to grab me by the short hairs and scream, “You aren’t over this yet?”  Under my breath…I answer No…you asshole I will never be over this….but some days are better than others. Skip’s death blew a giant crater in me, my life, and my family.  At first, I immediately went to work filling the whole, only to find out it was a bottomless pit.  The more love, emotion, and care that I put in it exactly… that much would leach out.  I was taught that this hole can never be filled in or covered up or ignored.  It is love, pure love, and that never goes away.  I am learning to honor and respect my damage and scars but to also begin building a life on the edge of the crater.  I cannot go backward, I cannot do it the way I used to, I am not who I used to be…and that is ok.

"Back to Life"  EnVogue

What's New Pussy Cat?

Guess who got a new kitty…and is totally in love?

"What's New Pussy Cat?"  Tom Jones

Finding Grace.....

Grace was always defined for me, now I am embarrassingly having to find it for myself.  I know, I know, I ask myself constantly how did I let this happen??? The year has been filled with more grief and pain than I thought I would ever experience, much less survive, and the thought of even growing, moving forward was beyond all comprehension.  But…there are times that I see cracks in the grief.  The one thing they all have in common is that it takes time and my “want” to regain those parts of myself that were good, recover my strengths and talents, and move forward. I want to enjoy life, I want to love (even though I now know how much pain can be attached to that love). I am embracing a new set of skills in taking care of me because quite frankly, it is just me now!  Yesterday I got for myself new snazzy headphones, Bluetooth, memory card, FM radio, and computer.  It was a gift from me to me just because I wanted them, could afford them (they were not that much) and I am learning that living without is not a sign of great character and responsibility, although there have been parts of my life that sacrifice for the family was necessary and it was expected and honored as being good and selfless, it does not really matter anymore.  So…I am learning…I am learning to find my own worth, my own grace.

"Grace is Gone" Dave Matthews Band

It is a great healing thing!

Got out my resource books and have ordered a couple more that hopefully, give us some guidance in producing and getting grants for the upcoming exhibition reVISION.  A hands-on sculpture exhibit designed for the visually impaired and an opportunity for the sighted to experience sculpture, which is always a no-touch situation... from a new perspective.

It is the first time is a great while that I have felt useful and artfully connected to other creatives without having all of the responsibility of doing it all myself!  It is a great healing thing!

"So Much to Say"  Dave Matthews Band

Not My Cat...My favorite little thing!

It’s the little things…If I have not before, may I introduce you to my current roommate “Not My Cat”.  Yes, that is his name, not actually an intentional name, but when this stray continued to show up sad and emaciated on the back porch, I would feed him while constantly reminding him that I would feed him, but he is “not my cat”.  He decided otherwise and by then the name “Not My Cat” was already established. He is my best buddy now.  We keep each other company!  However, recently “Not My Cat” tangled with a much bigger cat, however, I suspect It may have been a possum or perhaps a raccoon  There is no doubt that he will recover, but it is not going to be a simple recovery, and I have truly realized it is the little things like “Not My Cat” that have truly contributed company and joy to my life. Given the depth and seriousness of the injuries. Either way “Not My Cat” was definitely on the losing end…And we have made a second trip to the veterinary clinic.  But I will do whatever it takes, he might be a little thing, but he is my important thing!

"little Things"  India Arie