Skip's Treasure

"Horsefeathers"

I think perhaps instead of whining, which by the way, I do extremely well, perhaps I should spend more of my time remembering our good times. 

For many years we had a sailboat, and in one of our annual week-long trips on the boat a really bad storm blew up and after fighting the boat and the weather we were desperate, exhausted, wet, and cold.  We found a natural spring on the charts we felt we could sit it out and rest a bit. Unfortunately, according to the charts, it should have been just a little bit too shallow for our draft to get through the quarter-mile canal into the spring.  We crossed our fingers and hoped the water levels may be a bit higher than reported on the chart and forged on. I got up on the bow with an extendable boat hook and we slowly picked our way up the narrow cut and into the spring.  It was beautiful, calm, perfectly clear water surrounded by nature, not a sign of anything man-made in sight and we were the only ones there. It was so wonderful we decided to just stay for a few days! Later we were told that this was the notorious “Silver Glen” a very popular summertime big boat hang-out with wild “partying” and stories of being able to walk from boat to boat through the entire spring area (at least the size of a couple of football fields) without ever getting in the water.  Skip had an “ah-ha” moment and figured that many drunk big expensive boat owners would certainly drop or lose untold quantities of jewelry into the water climbing from boat to boat.  It was a treasure waiting to be found. All he needed was an underwater metal detector and we would be rich!

Each October from then on, when the summer boating season was over and especially in the mid-week we included several days alone in the spring as part of our trip. We loved the peace and serenity, one year there was an eagles nest full of very hungry and noisy chicks, another year we saw a Florida black panther, and every year we were constantly entertained by the ever-growing family of otters. But there was always the treasure hunt!  Skip as the metal detector operator and I was the one designated to dive down and retrieve the “treasure”.  Although my shallow diving and snorkeling skills were adequate, the digging proved to be the challenge!  Each time I forced the scoop into the sand the force floated me back to the surface.  Who knew that one of my top-secret talents is outrageous buoyancy! Skip's solution to the problem was to stand on my bottom to hold me down! After the retrieval of literally pounds of pop-tops, beer bottle screw tops and several near-drownings I emphatically resigned as the official “treasure diver”.  Skip rigged another extendable boat hook to the scoop and continued on the hunt for several more years. I lounged on the

deck reading and “sipping” as he doggedly pursued the treasure and more pop-tops.  It was the perfect compromise!

Through the years the hunt did, in different years yield a nickel and 2 pennies…and then finally…a gold ring with 3 small diamond chips!  I framed the coins in a mirrored shadow box that we called “Skip’s Treasure” and it hangs in the wall bookshelf unit we built together.  He then had the ring sized to fit my finger.  

Although it was not the treasure we expected, the happy memories of those years of sailing I wear every day have proven to be more of a treasure than any amount of money could ever be.

" I Will Remember You"  Sarah Mclachlan

...do something

I do not know what I miss more….Skip or the me I was when he was alive.  I do not know who I am anymore.

He was half of me….good bad or indifferent…he was half of who I was, what I accomplished, my strength and my confidence. I am trying so damn hard to recover and I just cannot seem to, so we (hospice) are doubling the Celebrex…I hate it, but my level of desperation is overwhelming.  I have to do something!

"Better Together"  Jack Johnson

and...this is where I whine!

The hard part…. realizing how much of my own strength and self-confidence came from his support.  Not overt, soupy support but the quiet just get in there “you can do this” support.  Or at times the raised eyebrow question…. REALLY?  Just knowing that when I had spectacular failures….and fell flat on my face, you were still here supporting me.  So yes, I am living 2 lives. Pretending I still have the strength, talent, and confidence I used to when in my heart I am still screaming in pain.

"When Angels Cry"  Janis Ian

Trying...

Although even I will confess, I do not feel like I succeed very often.  Every once in awhile, I pull it off only to fall apart again.  There is no straight-line healing, you know the kind of healing that you can see or measure, like a cut or a bruise.  All I can say is that I am trying…but I have no idea what I am “trying” to do.  I am still trying!

"Try"  Ben Taylor

It's Monday...just breath....

It is the beginning of the 14^th week without you and some small moments are better but for the most part  Monday morning jerks all of the small steps forward away from me.  I wake up, make my coffee, and that dreadful Monday morning begins playing through my head and heart…one long unending minute after another.  The words, the disbelief, the shock of holding your lifeless body, it just does not get easier…and I was so sure that with time it would…So I just have to convince myself to breathe.

"Monday Monday"  Mamas & Papas

It just feels better...

The porch French doors, the last “project” we did together.  

I always feel you, I know you are still here with me, maybe just comforting me or waiting for me…at least that is what it feels like.  Sometimes it is so real that I can almost hear you rummaging around in the kitchen early in the morning making coffee, putzing around on the porch or just rustling on your bed covers as you read.  Last week when I went to replace the filter in the new AC system, I think I heard you laughing when I could not figure it out.  You are here with me and even though I try to get out more, it just feels so much better to be home and close to you.

"Listen to Your Heart"  Roxette

A work in progress...

I am trying...but it aint'easy!



"It Don't Come Easy" George Harrison

And another piece of you left....

Yesterday they came to pick up Skip’s truck to sell. I wondered when it would happen but really did not mind having it here.  As crazy as you may think it sounds there were small seconds of happy comfort seeing it parked in the driveway.  For a second maybe 2 my mind instantly told me “ah, he is home” before the reality would quickly rush in and bite me again.  But yesterday his truck pulled out of the driveway for the last time and I waved goodbye just like we had done for the past 40 years and another big part of you left, and I cried and cried and cried.  Sometimes I feel like you are still leaving me bit by bit and I am responsible.  All I want more than anything in this world… is to have you back..to have us back.

"Here, There and Everywhere"  Beatles

It's not the BIG things...

My first holiday season without him has not even started yet and I am already overwhelmed!  Although there were many years of huge family celebrations recent years have been spent reveling in the quiet, the memories and each other.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas had become more about looking back with gratitude and sometimes amazement that we even survived the 2 boys (now grown with their own families). There were lots of stories both funny and harrowing!  We had done our share of “Norman Rockwell” holidays, some worked for us, others did not. We had spent years redefining how we celebrated the holidays and it was good.  As Halloween approaches, I gave the yard decorations to my son and will be going over there to see our granddaughter trick or treat.  Part of me is looking forward to it….the other part is already mourning that we will not be passing out our own treats and giggling together at how excited the little ones are to get candy and their costumes.  It is not the big things I miss so much…it is the little ones.

"Fear" Jazmine Sullivan

Just like you said it would!

It is a beautiful morning!  Porch doors open and the rare Florida cool air is flowing through the house.  Yay Skip!  It is perfect just like you said it would be!

"Morning Girl" The Letterman

Now there are choices...

I love when I have company…I love when I am alone. Both seem to be equally important.  Figuring out when and where is new for me.  At first, being alone all of the time, without Skip was horrible, but seemed to be so very necessary... it still is most of the time, but I find myself reaching out little by little.  I have driven my (new to me) little red car twice to pick up groceries, have breakfast bagels with the family and buy a plant at Lowes.  There was a time that would have described the typical first couple of hours of any given day not a 3-month goal.  There did not seem to be a choice about where my life was going, it was just happening and I was along for the ride, performing all of the proper functions.  Now there is time, life experience and loss that give me some new tools to figure out some things about me and my life. Perhaps for the first time I will make deliberate choices about me without guilt.

"Details in the Fabric"  Jason Mraz

Life unfolding in words

Every night at 6 PM I make myself a drink, light the candle with 2 wicks and sit out on our porch, with the soft sound of the water trickling in the pond. I pretend you are still here with me.  I look over at your empty chair and remember all of our serious life-altering and silly conversations.  They were everything from politics, work, children, grandchildren, car repairs, budgets, vacations…our lives unfolded in words and love on this back porch.  Then I realize again, you are not here and the pain returns.

"Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" 
Gerry and the Pacemakers

Release it ???

It seems so simple.  But like so many things that look simple, the actual execution is really hard.  I always equated simple with easy.  It is just another lie I have told myself my entire life. For the dead and dying, death is simple…one moment you are here the next moment you are not.  For the living, there is nothing simple about it.  The emotions are overwhelming.  The amount of business associated with death is ridiculous.  Established family dynamics change.  The ability for most people to relate to a grieving person is all but impossible.  Everything has changed and none of it is simple.  Yesterday, I went by myself to Lowes to buy a plant.  (although I have comfortably been out with friends and family, this was only the 2^nd time I have gone out by myself) and I almost feel guilty for doing things I used to do by myself.  I have witnessed it, I have allowed myself to experience all of the feelings that came along with it…but I am still having a struggle releasing those feelings of guilt.  The guilt of resuming a life without you. How do I let that go, release it?  I do not think I ever will.

"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

Where are the pills for this????

There are hundreds of medications that deal with pain, but the one most difficult pain imaginable is grief, and there is nothing like it…physically and emotionally.  It is like the universe demands that all viable souls on this planet experience the full depth and breadth of loss.  And so, I stand in it, unmedicated grief, letting it wash over me, I thought the well appreciated and socially recognized relief from religion, friends, and family would be my saving grace.  It gave me a few precious moments of welcomed distraction but I have discovered there is nothing that will ease the pain of grief and loss.  My only choice is to learn how to incorporate pain into my life.  My biggest question still remains why our culture does not talk about it, prepare for it or figure out what it takes to see each other through it?  We do not talk about or prepare to be alone (especially if you have not been for over 45 yrs).  Making a decision good or bad and suffering all of the consequences by myself.  Seeing something funny or infuriating and having no one to share it with.  Going to bed alone, waking up alone. Trying to cook for 1…Thank goodness for TV Dinners and Slim fast.  I know there a millions and millions of people that do this every day….it can be done.  Why does it still hurt so much? When does it get easier? Where are the pills for this?

"Jagged Little Pills" Alanis Morisette

Who we were....

After several years of not being on the art show circuit, between the economy and then my heart failure we just felt like it was time to let this wonderful part of our lives go. Last year there was an insatiable craving to do just one more art show.  I cannot explain it any other way. The question was no longer should we…but can we? And so, we did…It was a show up at a local winery, the scenery was beautiful, the weather really really cold and the sales pathetic.  But WE DID IT!  And it was just as fun and wonderful as we remembered it being.  Skip never complained or questioned why I needed to do this; he just knew it was important for both of us.  Thank you my sweet love, for giving me this last gypsy art weekend and all of the love that created so many amazing art show adventures. It was not just what we did...it was who we were over the years.

"Love for the Last Time"  Carol King

I thought I was doing it right...

I am just finishing her book “It’s OK, NOT to be OK”.  It has been an amazing new, or maybe old look at our culture’s inability to deal with grief and loss.  I am learning that everything I thought I knew about grieving and loss was mostly wrong.  That means when I thought I was doing everything right (based on what I thought I knew) I was truly doing everything wrong. There are no easy answers, there is no right way, there is no time limit, every loss is different and I am the only one that can figure out what is right for me.  But I will admit right here and now that it can change from day to day and then there are days that I am just too exhausted to deal with it.  However, I am learning that some of the things I do and feel that would typically fall under the heading of weird, macabre, self-centered and a host of other inappropriate behavior are in fact absolutely normal….we just do not want to talk or hear about it.

"Everybody's Talking" Nilson

Mondays are still so damn hard!

“Not My Cat” still looks for you.  Expecting you to be there in your bed, next to him reading, reaching over every now and again patting him on his belly.  So do I…Damn…Mondays are still so hard. Today makes it 9 weeks since that horrible morning and I still cannot believe this is real.

"Wish You Were Here"  Avril Lavigne

Rapunzel...

Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!  Harper’s Halloween request this year is Rapunzel and it is under way.  Still lots of work on the dress to be done, and I cannot wait to begin the long yellow yarn hair braid with flowers.  Seeing the world through a 3 yr. old’s eyes is a such a healing thing!  Everything is possible, make believe is as real as you want it to be.  

Creativity is not always in the form of serious art sometimes it is just the joy of making something from nothing!

"I See the Light" Mandy Moore (The Movie Tangled"

And so I write…

And so I write…Although no one talks back there is some degree of healing that happens when I allow my feelings to flow through me.  I let them move out of my heart, through my thoughts, into words and out into the world.  Somehow it feels like getting the painful feelings out of my physical being stops the wounds from festering.  I understand that I need to experience all of the pain. In the same way, there are times that I feel the need to share some of the joy, too. I recognize that getting stuck in either emotion does not change anything.  It does not mean that there are not times of uncontrollable overwhelming grief or even brief smiles of happy memories but there is some kind of healing magic that happens when I write and allow the feelings to move through me.  They go from being an intangible thought to tangible words…it is very much the same process as creating art.   And I need this, now more than ever!

"Closer to Fine"  Indigo Girls

Your Grits!

I made your Sunday morning grits. A tradition that began 10 years or so ago for no good reason, but you made grits just about every Sunday unless you had a very early golf T-time. It was never a smooth procedure, you would shout from the kitchen, which bowl, how much water, where are the grits, how many scoops and the questions would go on and on and on. Every time I would answer and wonder if it would not be easier if I just got in there and did it myself. Each time when they were done you would proudly spoon them out into our bowls and claim that you, hands down, make the best grits ever. This morning I heard you in my ear as I followed the same instructions that I gave to you a hundred times before and you are right my love…you did make the best grits ever!

"Sunday Will Never be the Same" Spanky and Our Gang

Open the door....

The day we waited for has finally arrived! Last spring we worked so hard together to pull out the sliding glass doors and replace them with French doors.  Doors that would open a full 60” instead of that skinny-no airflow 20” opening that was left after installing the cat door. We both groused and giggled through the whole project, thinking it would only take a day….it took us 4 days… and we found a whole new appreciation for trim carpenters!  It is a beautiful morning, and you have no idea how much I wish you were here to feel how good the fresh “coolish” air feels and is moving through the whole house just like you planned.  It is the little plans we made and dreamed about that when you are not here to share them with, break my heart over and over again…I love and I miss you so very very much.

"Open the Door to Your Heart"  Van Morrison

Skip's Light

Thank you, Maureen and Casselberry, for giving me the courage and opportunity to express Skip’s spirit in the best way I know how.  He always lit my way by supporting my art and creativity, regardless of how good (or bad) it was. He always quietly and elegantly elevated me to be the best I could be.

However, I was rudely reminded how broken this body of mine is, but in all honesty, even if I had known ahead of time how hard this would be on me, I would have still done it.  I felt like I was able to reclaim just a small part of me and those opportunities do not come around often.  I am glad I did not miss this one.

"I am Light" India Arie

"Pain, like love, needs expression. The human mind naturally goes to creative expression: it's the way we're built. We are storytelling creatures. We look to art, and to story, to help us make sense of the world, especially when what's happened makes no sense." Megan Devine

Sometimes my darker sides leak out.... and that is OK, too!

Outside and Inside, I forgot that there were of my older pieces in the gallery last night also…  “They can See Right Through Me” and “When my Boundaries become my Barriers”.  Sometimes my darker sides leak into my work and I am learning that it is ok, too!

"Just Dropped In"  Kenny Rogers

Oh please, let the confidence follow!

I am not confident!  Not anymore, not like I used to be.  My cheering section is gone.  Not the big “rah-rah, pom-pom” cheering section, but the “go for it, what have you got to lose?” The quiet support, I believe in you cheering section. Although I have wonderful supportive friends, it is not quite the same. It is just me now at 4:30 in the morning waking up in terror as my mind violently asks what the hell do you think you are doing?  No, I am not confident, but I am trying. Tonight, at iLLminART I will have a collaborative piece (with Maureen Williams) titled “Skip’s Light” it is my first work since Skip died and will be my third attempt to be at an opening with my work.  The first attempt failed miserably when I had to abruptly leave in an emotional meltdown.  The second opportunity I just could not go, this time I need to “just do it”.  Oh please, let the confidence follow!

"Die Trying" Dave Matthews Band

Sometimes I just need permission.

"Broken Things"  Dave Matthews Band

Waiting for the next first

The well-known quote “Long ago and far away” applies here.  I cannot even remember the year!  But it was our first vacation together.  First time I had flown in an airplane, and obviously the first time I had been out of the country, well not really but the St. Thomas kind of counts as out of the country.  My parents were living on a sailboat there at Red Hook Marina (the other side of the island from Charlotte Amalia) and we had a free place to stay and sail!  Every really important “first” I have ever had in my life you were right by my side. that is how I know that you are right here now, waiting for me, for my next first.

"Into the Mystic"  Van Morrison

Your Memory is the treasure...

There is not a day that I do not cry and still miss you like crazy.  This week you have been gone for 2 months and it still hurts so much I am not sure how I am going to get through one day to the next…but somehow, I do.  I keep trying to replace the hurt with all of the good memories, the laughter and the life that we shared and sometimes it works and sometimes there is absolutely nothing that seems to take away the loss.  I cannot wait for the day that every memory is a treasure.

"You Have Lived"  Don McLean

Just when I think....

Just when I think I have done the last of my “to-do’s” this one slips up on me…Picking up and paying for all of the legal work that needed to be done.  I think perhaps it is a reminder that this will never really be done. There was somewhere in the back of my head that as soon as I got all of this expected “business” finished that I would feel better, that the pain would stop and I would be back to normal.  I have accepted that “back to normal” will never happen but I suspect that if I had not gotten all of this done it would nag at me, so in my own way, it does make me feel better to get it done.

"Just Don't Think I Will Ever Get Over You" Colin Hay

Never be the same...

The moment you left me, my heart was split. One side is filled with memories, the other died with you. I lay awake at night and remember us with tears running down my cheeks. Remembering you is easy, I do at least a 100 times every day, but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly in my heart and there you always be. Life has gone on without you but it will never be the same.

"So Far Away" Carol King

I know how hokey it sounds, but it really is one day at a time

Skip had been a “card-carrying cat hater”.Swearing for the first 10 years of our marriage that we would never ever ever have a cat and then this stray slipped into our lives and converted him.  Not only was Skip converted, but he was known as the “cat whisperer” in our family.

Sometimes it breaks my heart when I see “Not My Cat” still look for him.  He goes in his room and cries for him and most recently seems to have taken some comfort in sleeping in Skip’s porch chair.  We are coping the best we can without him, maybe not what other people recognize or understand.  We are just doing what we need to do to get through, one day at a time.

"Everyday"  Dave Matthews Band

Skip's Light

Some people have told me how lucky I am to have my art, that it will help me get through the grief…WRONG!  The art distracts me, pulls me into “my other world” but nothing will help me get through this grief…I suspect now, that grief is necessary and it just something I have to do. Nothing relieves it, makes it feel better or makes it easier.  It just has to be lived and felt and eventually I will learn how to incorporate it with the life I knew and to incorporate it into the new life I have to create for myelf...  

My first step back into creating was this huge sculpted piece. It seems right that as I begin figuring out what this new life will look like, that I do not necessarily run back into the old comfortable things every time.  Safely pushing into the new and different has felt scary but good at the same time.  I collaborated with Maureen to create this piece, actually, it is the other way around, she taught, coached and directed me.  She has booted my fledgling sculptor leanings into high gear and kept me on task, which has not been easy, to enter the Casselberry “Illuminart” event.

So, on the right is our first “test lighting” of the 3 pillars, the tall one is 8 feet tall!  We still have some manipulating to do with the actual lights inside but that should be rather easy to figure out. The work has been officially titled and entered as “Skip’s Light”.  Other people will get to see how much light he brought into my life! How he guided and supported me without words or loud boisterous instruction, but always quietly lit my way.

I am also grateful for the peaceful, recognizable, sacred time of just creating.  You get to see the product, but I have experienced the magical process of creating that I love so dearly!

"Light On"  Mark Ballas

What is normal?

This never-ending cold and allergy crap has managed to stir up pneumonia and I am back on antibiotics.  The good news is that I have breathing treatments and O2 already here at home and with today's antibiotics, it will be just a few days before I am back to normal…

Then I realized that “back to normal” is what I have been expecting my life to return to.  That I would eventually get used to Skip’s death and sometime soon my life would go back to normal.  Normal, for me, means back to the way things used to be.  I now understand that my life will never again be like it used to be. It can’t be. Skip is gone and my life will never be the same.

Somehow, some way I have to learn to take the loss of the future I thought I was going to have, and take my love and my scars and move forward, it won’t be the normal I have been trying so desperately to return to, it will be different. I have no idea what my “new normal” will look like and there are times that it is just plain frightening and overwhelming. I need to quit beating myself up for not getting back to normal.

"By Your Side"  Ben Taylor

Curmudgeons SOLD! YAY

The CURMUDGEONS! They are everywhere! Grousing

and complaining! But really, when you look carefully,

they are just talking heads with little or no substance!

I was so honored to have some of my fledgling sculptures accepted at the Albin Polasek Museum…even more surprised when they sold! 

When #45 began his campaign and the divisions and hate talk (even among friends and acquaintances) on FaceBook erupted…I could not believe it…but it occurred to me early on that those speaking the loudest and being the most aggressive or intolerable, actually knew the least about the subject they were trying to defend.  They were only repeating ugly talk ….and they still are!

I was not ready to go to the opening last night, just still to people-y, not ready for more questions and condolences.  I know how silly this will sound to most people, it just is what it is...it will get better....but right now it is what I need.  Thank you, Maureen, for making me do it!

"Old Man" Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

The last of my “to-do’s”!

Here it is….the last of my “to-do’s”!  A new for me used Kia Soul. Much much easier for me to get in and out of.  Do not have to climb UP into it with a stool or squat down to get in and out.  The seats are the perfect height to just sit down.  Another great part is I got to trade in Skip’s truck and my van for an even trade, no money out of my pocket!  All I knew was that I could no longer drive those 2 big vehicles, and letting them sit was going to be more damaging over time. Keeping them would have cost me more in maintenance and insurance.

I will confess that letting go of the van was hard and I cried…so many great memories of all of the art shows we did, all of the places we went. Spending the night in it with an air mattress when we could not afford a hotel room.  Sometimes it feels like I am selling, trading and giving away parts of him, parts of our lives and memories.  The changes and decisions are difficult to make and I am used to having him here to advise me.  He always allowed me to make the final call but I always needed and respected his input.  Making these big decisions on my own is different and challenges my own self-confidence.

It has been almost 2 months of huge life changes, and I want desperately for this to be the last big change I have to make.  I do not want any more changes.

"Change"  Blind Mellon

I am just going to have to be a weirdo and heal in the best way I can

Coming up on 2 months since Skip died and I am still struggling.  Life has just changed so much that it is hard to keep up with day to day life at times.  Then there is this terrible frustration with myself that I have been unable to move through this grief on this imaginary timeline that I have no idea how I decided this was how it should be. Somehow, I decided grief was like the flu, it was a 2 to 4-week illness and then it is over, life went on as usual, except for an occasional remembrance with tears.  I had lost parents and grieved, I thought I knew grief, I had muscled through them, not missing work or other commitments, but I have never experienced grief like this. 

None of the counseling and reading has addressed my grief better than this book by Megan Devine. It is specific about grief, and how it manifests. It has given me permission to have them and given me some "tools" to survive them.  

It is OK that I do not want to be around lots of people now, even though it never bothered me before, It is OK that I feel guilty donating and giving away his things, It is OK that I have bouts of “Widow Brain” another version of “can’t remember shit”, but this is so much worse!  Like finding my car keys in the bathroom medicine cabinet, finding it difficult to read or “string” words together to write.  Running into people that are truly kind and concerned but their way of relating to my grief is to tell me about the death of someone they loved. I wonder if they have any idea how hard that is for me to listen to, or how much it truly does not help, in fact, it makes things worse.  The first thing I want to do is kick them in the shin, make them shut up, but I listen and smile politely.  Why do they think I want to hear about their grief experience? Right now, I have all of the grief I can possibly handle, and they want to share more pain and grief with me. I am too overwhelmed with my own.  Then I feel guilty for feeling like that.  It is just easier to avoid most people than to go through that over and over and over again. There are literally hundreds of doubts, pain, and awful feelings that I am still going through, but I know that this is part of it.  That not allowing myself to have them can do more damage than good.   So, for now, I am just going to have to be a weirdo and heal in the best way I can even if it does not make sense to anyone else.

"Hide Your Love Away"  The Beatles